Sexual Troubles with new relationship
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| Mon, 09-12-2005 - 8:54am |
Hi All,
I'm new to this discussion board so bare with me. I have a situation that
I'd love to get others feedback on. I've been in a strong relationship with
my bf for almost 7 months. For the most part we get along extremeley well.
Our work schedules don't allow us to see each other too too often however we
get to spend the majority of the weekends together - we are the best of friends
and enjoy each others company and have a lot in common. Recently, I've noticed
are sex life has plummeted. Mostly on his end. He doesn't seem to be interested
in sex hardly at all in teh last 2 months. I've asked him about this gently and the reason that he gives me is that he loves me but wants our relationship to be more than just sex. He's 27 years old. I thought guys his age craved sex constantly. I'm 90% positive he's not having a side fling as most of the time he is not with me he's working and he calls me quite often through the day. Everything else in our relationship is wonderful. There are no signs of any straying that I can see. I just don't understandn why he is not interested in the sex. And when we do have sex (which sometimes I feel is just to make *me* feel better) recently hasn't been able to complete the act. I'm so confused by this. We've talked several times about it but he always says the same thing - that he loves me and wants us to be together but has had so many relationships based on sex that he doesn't want ours to be the same. I'm confused by this and my low self-esteem doesn't make things any better. Advice on this would be MUCH appreciated.

He's got a problem. I don't have a clue what that problem is, nor can anyone else but him, and he's not talking.
You keep saying there's no one else, so even though you say not, you're suspecting it. I have news for you. Usually a guy that's cheating will have more sex with his partner, not less. Age has nothing to do with libido. Some guys of 18 aren't interested, and some guys of 80 ARE interested.
I don't buy his story about not wanting this relationship to be based on sex. It doesn't sound like it is. He keeps telling you he loves you and he wants to be with you. Well, it's a good story, but something is wrong. The fact that when he does have sex he can't finish says that he's got some kind of emotional hang-up. Until you can get him to tell you the truth (if he even knows it himself!) there's not much you can do.
You can tell him how it makes you feel. Don't tell him what he's doing wrong, tell him how what he's doing makes you feel. You can just leave him alone for a while and see what happens. You can suggest counselling. You can do many things, but ultimately, it's up to him to be honest with you, and tell you what's REALLY going on. If he continues this way, maybe it's time to just consider that it's over, and move on. And maybe that's what he's thinking, too, but doesn't have the guts to tell you that.
Leave your low self esteem and paranoia out of the situation. If he's not happy, it's up to him to do something about it. It has nothing to do with you, it's all up to him. Good Luck!
I wouldnt say emotional hangup necassarily - Maybe Physical. If he cant finish it could very well be an issue to take to the Dr.
My husband is 27 he has had a low libido for the past 2 years or so... he's not cheating, he's not wanting to end the relationship, nothing alarming. Simply alot of stress from work and not enough time to rest.
Find out whats going on with his work, maybe he is really stressed and tired. You might also ask him why he thinks your relationship is based on sex? Or why he feels that having sex more often is going to change your relationship negatively?
I think you need to take him at his word. If you trust him, then why wouldn't you?
He's said that he's concerned about your relationship revolving around sex so he wants there to be more substance than in his previous relationships. Nothing wrong with that. But if you aren't getting your needs met, within reason, then you need to sit down and negotiate for what you want.
I don't think it's ever good to assume that all 27 yrs. old men have a high libido though. They don't. And all kinds of things can have a temporary effect on libido...stress, fatigue, depression, medications, and underlying, undiagnosed medical conditions. IF he doesn't know why he's not interested, then suggest a physical.
Tell him how this makes you feel and ask him to do the same. IF you care for him and he's been trustworthy up to this point, then give him the benefit of the doubt and work together to meet one another's needs.
Edited 9/12/2005 2:35 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
>>I don't buy his story about not wanting this relationship to be based on sex. It doesn't sound like it is. He keeps telling you he loves you and he wants to be with you. Well, it's a good story, but something is wrong. <<
Yep. That's my take on it. I'm sure that part of him believes that story. But I think that there is something that he's not telling you. What is it? He's the only one that can tell you, but there is something up. Maybe it's as simple as a lower libido and he doesn't want sex as much as he did before (in a new relationship you always have sex more than normal and after a few months the frequency drops back)? Maybe he's worried about where the relationship is headed and it's almost getting too serious for him? There isn't a lot you can do about it unless you can get him to talk about it openly and honestly, and unfortunately if he doesn't want to talk the continue nagging could have a negative effect. So try to get him to talk about it by telling him how you feel and what you are worried about, but drop it if he doesn't want to and see how things go for a while. Not much more you can do at this stage.