Found his stash of porn
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| Fri, 09-23-2005 - 7:48pm |
Hi...I'm new to this board and would like some insight. My BF and I have been together 1.5 yrs. We're in our 40's. We don't live together. Sex is really great. A little traditonal, but really good. We're very compatible. Let me say I don't have an issue with porn. I view it online fome time to time myself.
This started last week whe he changed his screensaver from a water scene to a young Victoria's Secret model. OK, I know, not a big deal. Men are visual, etc. I even made a little joke about it. He said he downloaded it by accident and now can't get rid of it. The next day there was another one.
But it kind if irked me. This was the first time he displayed an interetst in this kind of thing. So today, while he was getting his car washed, I snooped. I know that it's wrong and it's the first time I've ever done any thing like that. But geez, did I hit the jackpot! A cabinet full of stuff. DVD's, magazines, etc. All "Young College Co-eds" and "Barely Legal". Some of these young women were dressed in bay doll dresses, licking loolipops,etc. It's like a side of him that I never knew existed.
I have no real issues with a "fantasy woman". (Hell, I have a "fantasy man".) But they didn't seem very "womanly" and to see it so vividly depicted kind of threw me for a loop!
I guess I'm bothered that he has hid it from me and that he's never asked me to do some of the same postions or acts. He's never asked me to dress up.
When I've hinted that I'dike to do something a little more "naughty" (like spanking) he just kind of shruggs it off. Before this discovery of mine, I figured that he just wasn't into it and I was cool with it because the sex really was good. So no biggie. But NOW...
Anyway, I'd appreciate it if anyone could explain to me why he likes this very young woman thing (they seemed more like girls to me), why he's hidden it (when I don't think I've given him a reason to) and why he doesn't seem to "want" me in the same way.
Thanks.
P.S. Actually, I found some of the positions,etc a turn on. How can I get him to do some of that same stuff with me? I'm afraid if I ask and he turns me down I'll be hurt.
Thanks again.
Edited 9/23/2005 11:49 pm ET ET by randomheart

Because his fantasies might be of younger women but they are his fantasies, not his reality.
>>I'd appreciate it if anyone could explain to me why he likes this very young woman thing (they seemed more like girls to me)<<
The answer to the first part is easy - ALL VS models are young. Young women simply look better. That's society today, everyone is trying to retain their youth because youth is considered attractive. Good skin, firm bodies without the effects of age and gravity. No wrinkles. No big deal, that's just the way it is. If I've got a choice I'm going to be looking at young attractive firm bodies rather than old saggy wrinkly bodies - even if I'm a bit wrinkly around the edges myself. In all likelihood these "models" are atleast 18 years old so they're not THAT young. And women in their late teens and early twenties are attractive. I don't think that you should worry about it too much. It's not like he's actually trying to date young women. It's a fantasy and he's grounded in reality enough to know that while he finds young women attractive, he's too old to try and date them!
>>why he's hidden it (when I don't think I've given him a reason to)<<
Boys grow up learning that porn is not something that you leave lying around. It's naughty, Mum gives you a lecture (or at least embarrasses you) if she finds it under the mattress and "good girls" think that it's smutty and disgusting. Even your males friends give you a good natured ribbing if they know that you use it. So you learn to hide it and it's very difficult to admit to a woman that you like, that you use it. You expect the natural reaction to be one of disgust and disbelief. That's why he's hidden it - although I am impressed that he has hidden it for so long from you. Perhaps the screensaver is his way of gently breaking you in? He's finally decided to open up and he let you know about this side that he has. He was introducing something that he considered relatively harmless and "safe" to begin with.
>>and why he doesn't seem to "want" me in the same way.<<
Well, he might actually want you in the same way but just hasn't been able to figure out a way of asking you? That's food for thought.
On the flipside,he may not want YOU the same way. That's what fantasy is about. If it was reality then it wouldn't be fantasy. He might enjoy the fantasy of dressing up or whatever, but find doing it in real life a little corny or outside his comfort zone. Or he simply might enjoy the physically perfect little female bodies in their outfits, and know that in real life he's not going to find anyone that is as physically perfect. And finally, don't forget that he can control every single aspect of a fantasy but in reality he has little control. He clearly WANTS you, otherwise he wouldn't be WITH you. If you could dress up like an 18yo cheerleader and cater to his every whim he might well want you in the same way too - but you're not going to do that, and he's not having a relationship with the porn girls but he is with you.
Another thing too - although he has all these videos and magazines, not everything in them is going to be his cup of tea. Of the dozen or so sex scenes in one video there might only be a couple that really tickle his fancy. He might not be overly worried about the outfits that these girls are in, he might (for example) just really get turned on by certain acts of intercourse - or the oral sex or something. The outfits may not actually be what he's interested in. That brings us to your "spanking" - that may simply be something that he is not interested in. But there will be other things that he IS interested in. Having a collection of porn doesn't automatically make someone interested in every single kink or variation of sex that's out there.
You snooped. That was a no-no. But I wouldn't disavow any knowledge whatsoever. It gives you an opportunity to broaden this part of your life. I don't think that you should confront him with it, but now that you know roughly the kind of thing that he's interested in, you might be able to introduce it and use it together. Maybe suggest one night to hire a "sexy" movie. Talk about porn if it comes up? Maybe even ask him if he has any? "Oh, I was wondering. I thought that most men had a few magazines stashed somewhere and I must admit that it gets me horney too."
If you can get him to open up a bit it will provide an opportunity for you to find out exactly what turns him on, and likewise, will provide you an opportunity to discuss what turns YOU on and what you'd like to try in bed.
Thank you for your advice. I agree with it being his fantasy and keeping it seperate from reality. I hadn't really thought of it that way.
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I feel badly that I did that. It's really out of character for me. I wouldn't say I have trust issues, but I may be feeling a little insecure. A couple of weeks ago he went to the city with a friend. Guys' weekend. OK. But his friend (married) brought a 23 yr old girl with him. Also, I've put on some weight and, don't laugh, I have started sprouting a lot of gray in my pubic hairs. So after seeing the screensaver I guess I was thinking that maybe he's thinking a "newer model" may be of interest to him too. Especially since he acted so sheeepish after me spotting it and the story about "accidentally" downloading it.
And I really wouldn't care what he looked at in my house when I'm not home. He can peek and poke around anywhere he likes. The only thing he'll find are a few dust bunnies! LOL I haven't hidden a thing from him.
But I feel better now that I can see that it really nothing to do with me. Thanks.
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Well you know, that was really it. If it was earlier in our relationship I'd be OK. He doesn't really know me, etc. But at this point we've shared so much and up till now, I thought we had been open with each other sexually. But he was raised in very religious family so I can see why he might want to hide it. Makes sense. But I do feel bad that he feels he can't share that with me. I like to feel that we could be each other's best friend. That he can trust me with anything.
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I just used that as one example. There have been few things I expressed a desire for, (nothing outrageous) like a new position and he'll say that's too kinky or he doesn't think he *could* do it. And many times during foreplay I'll ask if there's something special he'd like to me do and he always likes the status quo, which, BTW, isn't so bad by itself.
And yes, I am very sorry I snooped. Even while I was doing it I felt I shoudn't have. I kept thinking that cuirosity killed the cat. Love can make you do crazy things soemtimes, can't it?
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And thank you so much for your encouraging words! They really put all of this into perpsective.
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Dear Randomheart
Don't feel alone... There's alot of us out there...
A good way to initiate a sex position is to get a kama sutra (Or any other book, check Cosmo), circle the position and leave it open on that page on his pillow... believe me, it works!
A good way to initiate dress up, just do it!!! Send him an e-mail, or sms and tell him you'll be the maid, or what ever, toningt. It also helps to tell him exactly what you'll be wearing and doing to him.
and the porn... men will always be men... ask to join him in one of his sessions and give a hand, you'll be quite surprised how they react to sertain things...
Make everything an experience and remember it will help in knowing your man better. One thing i learned is never to ask, just do it and see how he takes it. They're sometimes to scared to admit to something they really really like, and what you'll think of it.
Be fearless and enjoy.
Hope this help.
Regards
Liezl
I casually mentioned that we should have a night in and rent a "naughty" movie sometime. He really seemed to like that idea. We set aside a "special night". He suggested I pick to wear that I feel sexy in and he's going to pick the movie.
Thanks to everyone.