Libido after divorce.
Find a Conversation
Libido after divorce.
| Sat, 10-01-2005 - 8:11am |
I was recently divorced, with it being finalized in July. Since then and during the separation my sex drive has swung wildly in both directions. Sometimes I'm really craving sex, other times I think I don't care if I ever have sex again...and this negative feeling can go on for days. I didn't want the divorce. It was very emotionally traumatic for me.
What's the experience of others who have gone through a divorce?

Pages
Libido is a strange thing. It's partly hormone driven, but it's also very much brain driven. Obviously, a divorce isn't going to affect your hormones, but it will and does affect your brain (emotions).
Of course, it's an individual thing. Some guys are ready and waiting for their freedom to unleash themselves on the female population. Others are just the opposite. Some, like you swing back and forth.
Maybe it's nature's way of saying "whoa, get your head together before you jump into something you'll regret"!
I'm sure as time goes by and you're more accepting of the divorce that you didn't want, things will settle down. That will coincide with your emotional acceptance of what happened, and your readiness to start looking around again.
Lucky you.......there are a LOT of women out there looking for a decent man. Decent men are in short supply! Give yourself some time, and then ENJOY! LOL
I've never gone through a divorce, but have been through other traumatic experiences.
I'm not sure how it goes for you guys, but over here you the normal and easy way is to be seperated for two years before getting divorced, and then it's a simple signature on a piece of paper. Of course if it's a messy divorce then it's more complicated.
For me I think that my libido took a hit for the first few months. Just wasn't interested in women or sex. After that it came back to normal but I just couldn't stomach the idea of getting involved with a woman in any way - so masturbation was my friend. I desired sex, but I just didn't desire or feel ready for any relationship at all. That lasted for about 12 months until I felt that I could probably handle a casual relationship (and the sex). It wasn't until two years later that I could confidently say that I was ready for a long term relationship and comfortable with myself about the divorce and getting emotionally involved again.
So in summary, I guess my libido was more or less fine after the first few months - I desired sex just as much as I always had. It was my emotional state that prevented me from having sex.
Sorry you had to go through that, Man. But what you've described sounds very normal to me. You're going through a grieving process and the divorce makes the loss very real. Divorce is the death of a relationship.
I haven't been through a divorce myself but I lost my mother a few years ago, as well as my father when I was 18. And I experienced strange flipflops in sexual desire as well. I think depression, loss and grief are behind it. With time and healing, your libido should even out again. Good luck.
Hello,
I have not made a contribution before, and have just lurked, but I am in the midst of a divorce. My ex and I had separated for a while and were just beginning to see ways that we might get back together again when he found someone else and moved her in with him. Now we are in the process of ending more than twenty years of marriage. My libido has been all over the place, particularly since I learned that he had someone else. I had always been a rather self-controlled person when it came to my sexuality, but now it seems to be all over the place. There are days when I am very repressed and restrained, and then there are days when I want to force myself on any male that I could find. There are days when I just ache for sex, and I do play with myself a lot more than I ever did.
Kate
My heart goes out to you, klassickate. Are you aware that there is a "Surviving Divorce" board on iVillage? I mostly lurked on that board, but it was very helpful just to know that I wasn't alone. When my ex and I separated two years ago after more than a decade of marriage, I thought my life was over. I still have bad days, but good ones are happening more and more. I know now that I'll be OK.
I hope things go well for you.
Greg
Greg, that is very sweet of you. I appreciate your thoughts and concern. All this has been very baffling, and I find myself very difficult to understand these days. It is as if suddenly being on the road to singleness again I have this incredible need for someone to sexually affirm me. I have never really been like this before. I feel like a teenager again, but worse. Thanks for listening.
Kate
<>
Pretty much the same as yours.
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
<>
How is that simpler and easier?
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
Man's suggestion is a good one. I posted fairly regulary on the Surviving Divorce board after my breakup. Also on the "Life After Betrayal" board for those whose marriage ended after/due to an affair.
<>
Yep. And you might find, after a while, that it isn't only the sex. When I met my now dh, after only being separated a few months from now xh, I needed emotional affirmation as well. So, getting both in one package was totally amazing and healing.
And can I just add ... hand-held showerheads are a female divorcee's necessity.
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
Pages