Sex = no pleasure... help plz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2005
Sex = no pleasure... help plz
7
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:59am
I am an 18 year old female who has been sexually active since I was 17. So i've been sexually active just over like a year and a half. I've only been with one guy and that was my boyfriend (who is an ex now). During the relationship we tried numerous sex positions, had oral sex given to me all the time, tried masterbation and bought a vibrator. With all these activities you would think I would recieve pleasure right? wrong, I've never onced orgasmed or even came close to it. All these activities feel 'okay' but I can't see my ever orgasming because of them. I'm so mad and confused about why I'm not really enjoying these activities. I'm in college now and I'm taking psychology and I know that I don't think sex is dirty or wrong, my parents did not give me those messages. I was ready and responsible for sex and I dated my boyfriend for over 2 years.
I can't think of what the reason could be. Is there a disease out there that some females can't recieve or have sexually pleasure? I hope not. Sex is to the point that I could fall asleep because it doesn't do anything for me. I've even up masterbation because it's useless.
Some one please help me with this problem. I need answers i'm going crazy just thinking about what's going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:10am
I became sexual active a little earlier then you and it took me a while before I was able to orgasm, I am not sure why but as I became more comfortable with myself, my partner and sex it seem to come naturally. Now I am not sure how you are masterbating, but try different settings, locations and explore yourself see what makes you feel good and don't concentrate on the elusive orgasm just have fun with your self. Try internal as well as external stimulation. Be sure to be relaxed and comfortable. Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 12:16pm

I never even came close to orgasm for the first few years of being sexually active. I think it was just not knowing my body well enough and not have expereinced partners.

#1 You shouldnt have to reach orgasm to enjoy sexual contact. You should be able to enjoy and feel pleasure from the intamcy, THe touches and the sensations you give and recieve.

I suspect although you've been sexually active for over a year you still havent found the Things that give you pleasure, and its different for all women... for me I never orgasmed until I was with my husband and was in a comfortable relationship where I could relax fully and my partner and I were able to explore eachothers bodies and figure out exactly what made us feel good.

I'd wager once you get into a relationship and have some time for you and your partner to learn eachothers "buttons" you will start to enjoy sex more and more..

Dont worry about an orgasm at this point, many women just dont have them, but they can still enjoy sex. Instead you should focus your energy on finding what works and teaching your partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:22pm

You are mistaking orgasms for pleasure. That's two different things! You can have lots of pleasure but never have an orgasm. You will never have an orgasm if you ignore the pleasure. If you're upset, worried or angry about not having orgasms, you'll never have one!

There is no mystery disease that you have. What you have is lack of knowledge of your own body, and probably a b/f that has the same lack of knowledge. You will have orgasms when you learn to relax and enjoy sex, and learn to allow orgasms to happen. Being "experienced" means nothing, if you don't understand what is happening and not happening. Experience doesn't equate knowledge.

There are many women who have never had an orgasm in their lives, but they still enjoy sex, because it's two different things! I never had an orgasm till I was 43 years old, had been thru a 20 year marriage, and several years of being divorced, but I still enjoyed sex! I finally had my first orgasm when I was in the right relationship, with a man who knew more about my body than I did, and he was patient with me, and encouraging. He taught me the main thing........do NOT think about what's not happening, think about what IS happening, and enjoy it. Orgasms don't make sex good, good sex makes orgasms happen.

You have to learn what works for you, then you have to communicate that to your partner. They're not mindreaders, and since every woman (and man) is different, they don't know unless you tell them. But, first you have to figure out what works for you, and you do that by reading, learning and experimenting. Check out www.the-clitoris.com for lots of info about how your body works, and things you can do to make it work.

With time and patience, it will work for you. But it won't work if you're not in the right mood, or you're with someone who's not aware of what you need, and doesn't do for you what you need done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:51pm

I've got the funniest feeling that you are trying too hard and analysing it too much. You're only 18 but it sounds like you've tried every sexual thing under the sun including getting a vibrator - call me crazy but I don't know many 17yo's that have a vibrator. I'm not saying that it's wrong, it just makes me think that you're moving pretty fast. And because you're doing psych at varsity I wonder if you are over analysing things?

I wonder if it's almost a case of having tried too many thing too fast? You seem to have done everything but probably haven't had time to really relax, enjoy and get comfortable with anything.

Avatar for luvmylittleones
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:53pm

I think the answer is quite simple. If you don't know how to bring yourself to orgasm it is wrong to think someone else could. Take time with yourself and explore your body and your desires so that you know what works for you. Once you have it down you can help your partner help you. If you aren't feeling any sensation of pleasure (even if it is not the ultimate one) then perhaps you are to focused on the goal of having an orgasm.

If you are that concerned you could see a sex therapist but I have a feeling they might suggest pretty much the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:03pm

I agree with everyone else - you need to stop focusing on whether or not you are achieving orgasm, and just enjoy what you are receiving. I know personally that I can achieve orgasm every time if I just take the moment for what it is, but if I'm focused on achieving that orgasm, doesn't happen. In fact I don't really even enjoy what is happening.

Inexperience plays a huge part in enjoyment, in my experience. I was with my ex for four years, and he was my first. He'd only had sex once before. And basically I had to teach him everything I knew about myself. However, since we broke up a few months ago I have been with two guys that had more experience than him, and the difference in my enjoyment of sex has been phenomenal. Especially with the guy I'm seeing at the moment.

My advice is:

1) you need to figure out what you like and how you like it so that you can guide the next guy that you are with.
2) you need to relax. don't focus on your enjoyment so much. go with the flow. if you have to use your imagination to think of something that is a real turn on for you.

If, after a while, none of this helps, maybe you might want to see your doctor and make sure your hormone levels are OK. Also, if you're on birth control, your libido can decrease quite substantially. It's different for every woman, but I've experienced it before and it's not much fun!

Good luck

Janet

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:42pm

I'm going to echo what everyone else has told you.


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