Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)
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Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)
| Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:53pm |
Hello all. I've just discovered some disturbing news about my "fiancee." As it turns out, he is still married to his 2nd wife as on May 5, 2005 and he is in the process of getting the divorce. I have all of the fiancee's contact information. Should I contact her or just end it with my fiancee. Please advise.

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>>As it turns out, he is still married to his 2nd wife as on May 5, 2005<<
Could you elaborate a little more please? I'm not sure what part of this is more serious.
Did you not know that he had been married before?
If he led you to believe that he had never been married before, then Yes, I would have some VERY serious questions for him. Neglecting to mention that you have been married in the past is a significant lie.
If you knew that he had been married before but had been led to believe that his divorce had been finalised, then I would still have some questions for him but maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal - after-all, the divorce IS being processed, it's just not finalised.
At this point I see no benefit in contacting the soon-to-be-ex wife. There is no point at this stage. All you would be doing is satisfying your morbid curiousity about what she is like - and that is not a good idea.
You say he is still married as at May 5th 2005. That is almost 6 months ago. It is entirely possible that the divorce has been processed and he IS not married at this point. How does that fit in to what he has told you?
How did you find this information out? Have you been snooping? Why did you feel it was necessary? That in itself may be more significant than any of this information that you have discovered.
OK< I've tracked down that first discussion of yours that made much more sense of this whole thing.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-csmen&msg=1174.1&ctx=0
>>Plus, my fiancee's biological clock is ringing loud and clear now as all he can think about is having children of his own. Why did he wait so long?<<
Sometimes you don't have much control over these things. Guys have to rely on women to have their children for them and if the women aren't having the children then the guy just gets older. Us guys can't just have kids. In his situation of two failed marriages I can see how he just hasn't been able to have kids and how finds himself past forty years old. It can easily happen.
>>I cannot understand why these women would get so enraged at him or why my fiancee doesn't remember what those arguments were all about?<<
There are two sides to every story. I'm sure that he CAN remember what the arguments with the exes were about but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to tell you what it was about. It's likely that it's about some of his faults, and he's not going to talk to you about those. It's also likely that the women were enraged and left him because of these faults. Everyone has faults. Some people's only faults are that they don't have any major faults and that in itself can be very frustrating and lead to a relationship breaking up. For example, one of my friends recently broke up with his wife because he had no faults. He didn't drink, gamble or womanise. He doted on his wife, spent all his time with her, and helped with the housework and everything. Problem was that his wife ended up feeling suffocated and got mad because he never seemed to have a life without her. So you see, sometimes even no faults can be a bad thing.
Who knows what these other women really wanted and needed in a relationship and who knows what they really got from this guy? Maybe he IS a nice guy and just lucked out with these two other women? He and the two ex-wives are the only ones that can tell you for sure.
The photo of his 8yo cousin in his wallet? If he says it's his cousin that would explain some family resemblance. If you think that it's his daughter, then you have to consider the possibilty that she'll turn up one day and that he lied when he said it was his cousin. What would you do about that?
There is also the possibilty that he has spent time with the children that his brothers and sisters have had because his own biological clock is ticking. That could explain why he has a picture of someone-else's kids in his wallet too.
Overall, tread carefully. This guy will have issues and will not be the perfect guy that he seems to be. You don't get to forty plus years of age, and two dramatically failed marriages without there being something going on. And if he can't explain to you what happened in these marriages satisfactorily then I would be a little wary of why they failed or why he stayed in them for so long when they went bad. The only thing that I can see so far is that he is telling little lies or avoiding the truth here and there. Nothing major or too serious, but over a few years and in a marriage, the fibs can mount up and become a problem.
Yes, it is very odd.
I would be concerned about it. If he can't tell you something like this, then what else is he or will he hide from you?
I would not have been terribly concerned if the final date of his divorce was shortly after the date that he proposed. In that situation the divorce was in the process and alomost finalised so I think that he could be forgiven for not wanting to worry you about a small technical detail. But your situation doesn't sound like that. As you say, he hadn't even filed the papers for divorce.
So is he still married? Or is he now divorced?
How did you find this out?
Hey guys thanks for getting me through all this over the last few days . . . .
I ended the relationship about an hour ago. I started the conversation by asking him whether he has ever lived in my borough before and, of course, he denied living at those prior addresses listed on his public record reports . . . . .
I let that slide and went in for the kill by asking him when was his divorce to his second wife finalized. He said it was finalized in November 2004. Wait - I should tell you that he gave me all the passwords to all of his emails this afternoon and I found 3 email exchanges from him and this 2nd wife from about April 29, 2005 through May 7, 2005. Anyway, I proceeded to read those emails out loud to him. In those emails, my ex-fiancee was requesting their pre-nupt agreements and any other material contracts so that he could file the divorce. The 2nd wife was beside herself because she thought the divorce was already finalized. She also asked my ex to stop calling her mother's house to leave a message for her there. She basically said "once this divorce is finalized, please divorce my family too . . ."
Once I finished reading these emails, I asked my ex again when was this divorce was finalized. He started tap dancing and said that he had first thought that the divorce was finalized in November 2004 but then learned that it was not. He has since filed the divorce papers and the divorce decree was issued last month.
I began to explain to him that he lied to me and betrayed me throughout our relationship since he told me that he had divorced her 4 years ago - a flat out lie. So basically, I have unknowingly been living and sleeping with a married man for the past 9 months! I've introduced this man to all of my family, friends, and co-workers and have presented him to the world as my future husband! Hell, he continued to lie to me tonight by first saying that the divorce was finalized in November 2004 when (according to him) it was finalized in September 2005 (see above)! This man not only dated me, but he proposed to me and moved into my apartment knowing full well that he was still legally married.
After all that, I told him that the relationship is over and that he should make arrangements to move out of the apartment immediately. I hate liar and manipulators and I cannot live the rest of my life verifying every word he says . . . He agreed to move out of the apartment but after making a last ditch effort to change my mind by saying I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to loose you, I love you, I was dumb, everyone told me to tell you upfront, etc. . . . He even tried to ask whether this could be patched up and whether we could start again in the future and I replied "I need some space." I have spent every single weekend with him for the past 10 months! I need a break . . . .
He then asked me whether he could sleep here tonight and I told him "I don't know where you are going to sleep." So he proceeded to pack his overnight bag and bounced. But before departing, he tried to "Get a Kiss Goodnight" so to speak and I refused and requested that he return the house keys. I also returned the engagement ring and his check for his share of the rent for this month.
After reading your first post asking if you should talk to the ex, or just end it, I was in shock. Phew, I read your second post, and thank GOD you got rid of this guy. You aren't serious about "needing space" are you? There is nothing to even think about....be glad he went peacefully, but don't be surprised if he comes crying to you again! Do NOT fall for it! He's a proven liar, even his own father told you he's no good and he might be a thief if he took your check. It's also possible that he's one of these guys who marries a woman and then cons her out of her life savings. He says he only lied to you so he wouldn't lose you? Right, which means he thinks it's ok to lie if it gets him what he wants.
You really don't need to talk to the almost ex......but then again, maybe it would convince you once and for all that the man is a creep! This guy didn't just get like this, he's been like this all along, and you are VERY lucky that you didn't turn out to be wife #3 and ex-wife #3. And, if you keep digging, you might find even more lies and fabrications that he's fed you. That wouldn't really serve any purpose, except to just verify what you knew all along, and make you feel better about not letting this guy con you.
I'm glad that you ended it, and now you have to STAY FIRM, and not let him con you or sweet talk his way back into your life.
His father? A check? Where is this first post? I missed all that.
BTW, sounds like getting rid of him is a good idea. Sounds like there is just too much that he lies about. A few small white lies - yeah, that'd be OK. You could understand that. But there is major stuff going on here.
If you found the first post: Missing pieces make me unsure.......if you'd read the whole thread, she posted more and more as the thread went on.
I just looked for it, and I can't find it anywhere. It's late, maybe I'm just too tired! It was in the last few days!
By the way, do you think that saying you've been divorced for 4 years when you're not even divorced YET, or maybe it's finally over, but only within the last few months is a little white lie? That alone is enough to dump the guy, as far as I'm concerned.
I guess I just got a second wind! The reason I couldn't find the original post is because it wasn't ON this board, it was on guy talk......
Here's the link: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlguytalk&msg=24503.1
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