I get a "do-over"! HELP! I have issues!
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I get a "do-over"! HELP! I have issues!
| Sun, 10-09-2005 - 5:01am |
Yikes! The good news? My divorce should be final failry soon. Believe me, its a very good thing. I should have done this YEARS ago.
The bad news? I am going to have the same old sexual issues i did in the past ... no orgasm

First of all, you DO have an issue! You think that without an orgasm, sex is not complete! That is totally wrong. You can and DO have pleasure during sex. Having an orgtasm is a bonus, not a necessity for pleasure. More than likely, the reason you don't have orgasms is because you're too busy worrying about not having them.
As you said, you know what it's like because you've had them in your sleep......so you are perfectly capable of having them. What's the difference between being asleep and being awake? Your brain! When you're asleep, you have no inhibitions, no expectations, and it just happens. When you're awake, you THINK, and it's the thinking that probably holds you back. Making an orgasm a goal is one sure way to assure that you won't have one (or more).
How about masturbation? Does that work for you? There's no pressure when you're doing it yourself. Try it....lubricate your fingers, and start stimulating your clitoris. It might take a while, but eventually it will happen. You're under no pressure to perform, it doesn't really matter if it happens or not.......
Are you expecting to have orgasms from intercourse? Most women (like 80%) do not have orgasms from intercourse alone....it takes clitoral stimulation at the same time. How much do you really understand about your own body? For a lot of information and ideas, check out www.the-clitoris.com
Mainly, just forget about orgasms, and learn to enjoy all the pleasure you DO have, thinking about nothing BUT that pleasure.....and eventually, the orgasms will come.
There is NOTHING "embarassing" about not having orgasms. Most men don't even really know anyway, and if they do, hopefully they're smart enough to know that it has nothing to do with them.....they don't "give" orgasms.......you learn how to have them and allow them to happen. Take it from someone who never had an orgasm till I was 43 years old. I'd been married for 20 years, had three children, and was divorced for 4 years before it ever happened. I wasn't embarassed, I just accepted it, and didn't worry about it. Learning to have them was great, but so was sex without them! Incidentally, it was a guy who taught me how to clear my mind, and just ENJOY.....thinking about nothing at all. One day, it just happened, and it will for you, too. Remember, orgasms don't make sex good........good sex makes orgasms happen!
I agree with Dakine. Let go of this GOAL and enjoy sex for what it is for you. It sounds like you are SO focused on the orgasm that you sabotage the whole experience for yourself.
I would recommend spending more time alone, exploring your own body and sexual thoughts and less trying to live up to some standard of response that you've imposed on yourself for fear of judgement.
Believe me. MANY people do not orgasm and have great sex lives. With or without a partner. It's not uncommon at all!
Let it go and you should become more responsive with time. Only self exploration will yield answers for you though. The MIND still has to be willing, even if the body is.
Not saying i dont have an issue. But the issue is not that i dont think sex is wonderful without an orgasm. I think i said that fairly clearly - i love sex. It feels good. It is satisfying. But obviously, w/o an orgasm, ever ... its frustrating as well. In NO means do i think sex isnt complete without an orgasm. Ive been doing it that way for 20+ years ... & dont feel its not complete. Its just that i know there is more, as well.
You are right, I am sure the issue is my brain. I am a very type-A, go go go, in charge, type, personality. It is very hard for me to let go of control in anything - so i can absolutely see how that would hinder my being able to let go enough to orgasm. I dont really have it as a goal all the time. I actualy pretty much gave up worrying about it years ago, thinking - at least its enjoyable - maybe not totally what i could be, but it is satsifying enough. But now, i am about to embark on a new life of more sexual encounters, & of course, I would like to be able to have the MOST satisfying sex life i can. & that woudl entail learning how to be able to climax. Not HAVE to all the time, but it would be nice SOME of the time.
I have tried mastrubation - it just doesnt seem to work. Someone on another baord has recommended a video actually teaching this kind of thing - mastrubation, orgasm, etc - so i think i will give that a shot.
& no, I am very educated in sex & orgasm & i
Hi, thanks. Please read my response to the OP in this thread about it really NOT being this huge GOAL of mine. It just that this is my time to figure this out if i ever can, & am looking for help.
But it is nice ot know that many people dont orgasm either.
As I said to you, I've BTDT and I understand what you're saying. And you SORT OF understand what I'm saying, too.
Maybe it was easier for me years ago, because in those days, most women (and men) weren't even aware that women could and should have orgasms. Now, it seems to be the be-all end-all of sex. If you don't have an orgasm, something is wrong. The only thing that's wrong is that you're not having them!
Along about the time I got divorced, two things were going on. The Sexual Revolution was happening, and women were demanding if not orgasms, at least equal opportunity, meaning men were starting to understand that it wasn't all about THEM anymore....it was about both people. The second thing was that women were starting to understand their own bodies more.
It really didn't bother me that I didn't have orgasms. I didn't even think about it! And most men my age weren't thinking about it either. But there were a few enlightened guys, and I was lucky enough to be involved with one. He knew even more than I did that it was up to me to learn how, and he was patient enough to help me get there. Part of my problem was that I came from many years of making sure my partner was "satisfied".....which to me basically meant that he should "get his" without too much work on his part....it really didn't matter if I "got mine". This was also the first guy that gave me oral, and I enjoyed it, but I also was concerned that he was only doing it to please me, worrying that he really didn't like it, and so I was more conscious of how long he was at it than relaxing and enjoying it. He finally got thru to me that he DID enjoy it, and he didn't care HOW LONG it took.....he would stay with it as long as he had to. The first few times, I couldn't relax, but I finally realized that was the ONLY way it would ever happen. After a few more times, I was finally able to get EVERYTHING out of my mind except what I was feeling, and it finally happened.
As far as masturbation is concerned, I'm with you. I've never had an orgasm from it, and I don't even really bother doing it. I don't really even see the point of it. I don't want solo sex.....I want the intimacy of being with someone I care about. Some women say they "need" it, many women say they enjoy it, and good for them. I'm not one of them.
I can only tell you that you just have to find a patient man, and learn how to clear your mind of everything except what is happening at THAT moment in time. Good Luck!
PS: It only took ONCE.......and within weeks, I was multi-orgasmic!
LOL, see? Once you KNEW exactly what you were missing, you were hooked!