new here - some pointers would be nice

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Registered: 12-15-2004
new here - some pointers would be nice
7
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 4:29pm

Well I'm new here. I'm 28 and recently got out of a long term relationship (well about six months ago) that was seriously boring sex-wise. My ex did not give me head and eventually I quit giving him head because of his refusal to give me any. Anyway, I've started dating someone new and wow is the sex soo much better but since it's been so long with another person I need a few pointers in how to handle a few things.

First off, there has been no mention of oral sex. Ok we've only slept together twice but noone's mentioned it. He's had an oppurtunity or two but hasn't. I haven't had an oppurtunity to where it could have been a natural progression. I want it to go there though. I haven't made my way there for fear of rejection and I'm not sure how to ask for him to go down on me without seeming rude. So pointers anyone? Ideas?

Also he's very caring, very gentle in bed. It's great, we have this mutual orgasm thing going. (seriously almost everytime) He's good don't get me wrong but sometimes you want something a little more, animalistic...a little rougher. So how do I advise him of this without making him think I want it like that all the time?

Oh and the other thing I've been thinking about is this. Long story behind why but when we've slept together thus far other people have been in the house (we both live alone though). So now I'm concerned the first time I let out a yell, he's going to freak.

I'm not totally inexperienced. I have been with a few people however it's just been a while since I've been with someone new. Any pointers would be greatly appreciated.




Edited 10/12/2005 4:32 pm ET by nola_bookworm
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Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 5:11pm
I've never been the type to beat around the bush,

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 6:01pm

I think the only way to avoid misinterpretation or misunderstanding when it comes to individual sexual desires and preferences is to be perfectly clear in explaining them. And it's not going to make sex less sexy or thrilling to discuss what you want. I would rather KNOW what my guy wants, and visa versa, than to have to guess anyway.

I think the majority of men and women enjoy oral sex and want to go there but until you're clear about that, then he probably won't make a move for the very reason you don't. Fear of offence.

This is a new relationship and it may not be easy to bring some things up but he'll probably breathe a sigh of relief when you do! Tell him what you're thinking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 2:17am

I see that the others have said more or less the same thing as I was going to. I 've never found anything better than talking about sex and talking about your needs and desires. Sometimes there just isn't an easy way of giving someone a non-verbal hint that doesn't end up confusing them.

There's two ways that you can look at this: First you could see it as a terribly embarrassing thing to do and get petrified about the whole idea of talking about (hush!) sex with the new guy. Or TWO; look at it as an opportunity to start a new relationship off on the right foot and talk a little bit about sex and wants and needs.

Trust me, number two is the best option and although fraught with potential embarrasment at first, you soon realise that he has no idea that you have never openly talked about sex before and thought it was embarrassing. He just thinks that you can openly talk about sex without embarrassment, and he ends up thinking that this is great; because he can now ask for that BJ and whether or not you would like him to go down on you!

BTW, you could mention afterwards one time that "Phew! That was great. But I'm not used to being so quiet because other people are in the house! " That'll give him a warning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:28am

Hi Nola,

Where you are right now is a normal part of a new relationship. You are in a place where you are testing each others boundries; you want to know if you are safe. You are learing the others "language" (both verbal and physical) and you are teaching your "language" to him. It's been my experience that as trust grows in all areas the natural ability to express your desires will begin to manifest effortlessly.

As others have said, expressing your desires is important, but it's equally important IMHO to let the relationship unfold naturally. All things happen best incrementally...if you feel safe talking about your desires do so...if you don't feel safe yet, maybe sending him a sexy e-mail or note is the way to go. Or possibly it's just not time yet and you need to become more intimate in an interpersonal way. All of this is good and all of it normal, only you can know for sure.

The most important thing is allow for change without force and expose more and more of your beautiful inner self. The sexiest most attractive people (no matter what their physical appearence) are always the people that are themselves.

Good luck and much love to you.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 3:44pm

First off, there has been no mention of oral sex. Ok we've only slept together twice but noone's mentioned it. He's had an oppurtunity or two but hasn't.

I have a very similar situation, when I divorced after 24 years of marriage and 15 years of no sex, I started a relationship with the man I am now married to. He too was and is very caring and gentle in bed. He was like this until I told him I wouldn't mind "other experiences". At first, I didn't want to have anything to do with oral sex, since my previous experience had been horrendous, so I told him right up front that I didn't like doing that. He graciously agreed, accepted my preference, and never brought it up or made it a condition. After we had been together several times, and my feelings for him had increased so much, and I wanted to be with him more and more, I took the lead, did not ask and went down on him. I didn't ask, I didn't hesitate, when I knew it would be right it was right, and I loved it, because it was HIM and not the other person. After I did that, he reciprocated with oral sex for me, which again, I did not think I would enjoy, never having had a good experience with it, but was I ever wrong ! ! ! !

I agree completely with those that have told you to talk to him. Talking about sex is a great thing to do right after sex. After you have had wonderful satisfying sex, is a great time to talk about what you liked about what just happened, and what you would like to try next time. Take baby steps and if he is wanting to add to what you are doing, it will give him the opening to do so, if you are talking to him.

Tell him, "sometimes I like to get a little wild". Then when he responds and you have wild sex, afterwards when you are telling him how great that was, you can tell him, "now we have two ways to enjoy each other, sometimes tame, sometimes wild". Build a repetoire!

When you finally get to have sex with no one in the house, tell him before, how excited you are that you are alone, that no one will be able to hear you, that you are so excited to finally be able to express yourself. We had this very same situation, because I was a single mom, and when he came to my house, we had to be quiet, and when I went to his apartment, we could let loose. It made both very exciting. Even now, when we don't have to, we decide to have sex without saying anything, and it creates great excitement.

My husband, when we were "new", was incredibly cautious, gentle and careful. He says now that he was waiting for my "lead", as he did not want to offend me or run me off by going to fast, too soon. It may be that your gentle, caring man is doing the same thing at the first, and as you progress, you will find an incredible, adventuresome lover, as soon as he knows from you that he has permission to be himself and for you to be yourself, too.

I hope you come close to the incredible sexual relationship we have developed, but the most important thing is to talk to one another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 8:42am
I agree with reallysings..next time take control. Start off by kissing him and just let your lips wander.....kissing his neck, tracing his nipples, down to his belly and then , finally all the way down..Im sure he will problably love it, and more than likely return the favor...if he doesnt, then you know there is a future topic of conversation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 8:54am

Hey nola. Hubby point of view here,

One thing I love about Mrs. Para is her assertiveness (not the same as aggressiveness of course). She knows what she wants and makes certain that I know what she wants. When we're at it, she'll guide my body or head, and eventually I'll know what it is that she's in the mood for that particular time.

In fact, there've even been times when she's guided me from certain things as well...all depends on what she wants or what she is even ready for at that particular time. YES...it was a learning process over time, and thats what you need to keep in mind with him. Trying different things is a learning experience thats absolutely unique about your relationship with him. If you're going to talk with him about anything, I'd start there, clear up that confusion by reminding him that you do intend to enjoy him and that you don't want him turned off or freaked if you try different things with him, such as guiding him. How you learn to enjoy each other together more fully is what makes your relationship unique and special from any other you have.

If you're thinking that outside factors may spook him, such as you giving out a louder than normal moan or yell, then maybe you can flat out ask if he has worry about the neighbors or whatever. I personally see nothing weird about asking that whatsoever, and I also view as being open with each other more as well.

 

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