Is Infideilty EVER OK?
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Is Infideilty EVER OK?
| Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:29am |
Ii was sexually and physically abused by both parents and an aunt while growing up. I have read several books about adults who were sexually abused as children. The books state that the abused person either becomes promiscious or asexual. I became promiscious. I still am. However, I have now been labeled a sex addicit. Yes, I am married. I have cheated several times and been caught once. I just can't seem to stop. However, once the sex act is over, I can not wait to jump up, clean myself up, and get the hell out of there. Also, a debate my spouse and I have been having is cybersex cheating? Yes, masturbation is usually part of it. I have thought about trying out the FWB but have no idea how to even begin. Does anyone out there have any suggestions or ideas? Thanks.

I am SO sorry for your past abuse. I cannot imagine the pain you've endured at the hands of your own family.
But what you need to do is NOT try to find out more ways to feed the resulting sexual addiction, which will never lead to happiness, but get some professional counseling to finally deal with the pain of your past. Only then can you hope to experience a healthy, monogamous and satisfying sexual relationship with your DH.
And yes, I would think that many couples would classify cybersex as cheating since a real person is involved.
Please, deal with your past so that you can enjoy a happy and healthy future with your DH.
Joyce,
Your behavior is clearly one of an addict. The telling statement you made was the one: " However, once the sex act is over, I can not wait to jump up, clean myself up, and get the hell out of there." You are unhappy with yourself and the more that you indulge this the more unhappy you will become, because the temporary high that you get is not in any way helping you to heal your real pain.
My wife was a victim of sexual abuse as a child that lasted quite some time. The healing process is exactly that...a process, not unlike peeling an onion, but very worth it. In my wife's case, she did not swing to either extreme overtly, but developed self defense mechanisms during sex where she "Zoned out", basically become non-present. At 42 years old this has mostly healed and she now works with teenage girls who have experiences this. She teaches Meditation and Yoga (which she says were the things that most helped her AFTER years of counseling). Our sexual relationship after 14 years of marriage is healthy, strong and monogomous.
Yes it is common for abuse victims to be extreme in their sexual identity. HOWEVER, both paths (celebacy or promiscuousness) is a way of making the sexual side of yourself "not important". In other words, by being promiscuous you are telling the victimizers in your mind that they cannot control you. This is a behavior that served you at one time, but is now a patterned behavior that can only cause suffering for you and those around. You already know this intuitively and that's why you want to just get away after your sexual encounters.
You are writing here not to find out if a FWB is good...you know it isn't. You are writing here in order to be free of this. You can be free of this because any other life choice will lead you to pain and suffering.
It is possible. Get some help and learn to love and respect ourself.
Much love to you.
Scott.
Regarding the topic heading? You know that infidelity is not OK, and you know that you are only doing it because of what has happened in the past. I think that you should get some professional help. I don't think that there is a lot that us here on the messageboards can do, other than to give you some encouragement.
You know what is right and what is wrong. You ask several times about things that you clearly know are NOT OK, so I suggest that you start to work towards making your behaviour match with what is considered to be acceptable. You know that infidelity is not OK under any circumstances.
I'm also hesistant of labelling people as "sexual addicts" because that takes personal responsibility away from you and excuses the behaviour and reinforces a "victim" mentality. How can you be responsible for something that is a "recognised" problem? Before it had a label it was your choice of inappropriate behaviour, now it's an uncontrollable behaviour that you have. See how it divorces you of responsibility?
You know that a FWB situation is not going to help the situation and you know that cheating is not the answer. So stop blaming it all on the abuse and begin to take control of your own life. Yes, the abuse has made life difficult. But at the same time you need to get help for the abuse, you need to get PAST the abuse and regain control of your life to make a decent life for yourself. You might as well start to do that now, as continuing this behaviour will make your life that you have now fall apart.
Is cybersex cheating? Many would say that it is. I would say that it is allowable only if you have the permission of your spouse and never meet this person in real life.
Edited 10/17/2005 5:53 pm ET by westridge2001
You were abused as a child. That is awful. You understand that what happened was wrong, and you understand that is what is causing your behavior now. However, you also have to understand that the abuse is not an excuse for living self destructively now.
As everyone else has said, you need to get some professional help to treat the CAUSE, not the symptoms. If you can learn to get past what was done to you, you'll be able to lead a better life now. What you're doing is punishing yourself for what you had no control over.
Please look into getting some help.