Disgusted with sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Disgusted with sex
10
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 8:02am

I know this is going to sound weird but I need some help and someone to talk to about my feeling. I'm so confused and don't understand why I feel this way.

I'm 20 yrs old and I lost my virginity when I was 18. I'm not quite sure when this started but I find that after I have performed any sexual act I am physically sick with myself. I immediately start regretting the act. Before that, I had become sexually active at 17 y/o and when I would have oral sex I found myself trying to push my partner away from me before I could reach my peak and I find that I still do it to this day. It's like I feel bad for feeling the things that I do so I want them to stop. Also after I have had intercourse i feel disgusted with myself and vow celebasy(sp?) for a period of time. Even after I have "explored" with myself I find myself regretting what I have done and feel bad afterward and dissappointed in the way I feel.

I want to know if anyone else has felt this way? Is this weird that I feel so sick by this? I don't know who to talk to about it. I just want some insight. Any responses are appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 8:52am

What you have to do is


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 9:34am

I agree with Tish. There IS a reason that you feel this way. If you were sexually abused as a child, you will forever feel disgusted with yourself until you get some professional help. Children who are abused grow up feeling guilt, and feeling like a victim, which is what their abuser did to them......they make their victims feel like it was their own fault. If that's the case, you need to get some counselling or therapy to help you get past that wrong thinking.

If your family or your religion says that sex is a sin, or it's disgusting and filthy, you feel guilt for doing such a terrible thing.

Nowhere in your "sexual history" have you said anything about a boyfriend, or a relationship......only that you've had sex with various men. Are you doing it because they pressure you into it? Are you doing it because you think they'll like you and want a relationship with you if you give them what they ask for? That's not how it works. Lots of guys are just out there for sex, anyway they can get it, including using women who allow themselves to be used. If you allow yourself to be used that way, that shows a lack of self confidence, and self respect.

You have to figure out what's causing this, and if you can't do it on your own, then again, you need some professional help. Most people can't do it on their own, because they don't know how to face their own demons. If you ever want to have a successful relationship, you need to get some help. If you can't afford it, check out some therapists & counsellors in the phone book. Many of them charge according to your ability to pay. There IS help, but you have to seek it out. Good Luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 9:55am

No I wasn´t sexually abused as a child. I grew up in a loving household.

And Dakine001 you´re right, I didn't mention that I have had relationships or a boyfriend because I haven't had one. You're right. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 y/o and by that time I wasn't even interested in dating because I had very low self-esteem and was scared of guys. I've had 2 friends with benefits and maybe 2 random hook ups. At first it did feel like I was a little pressured into it. I lost my virginity the way I always hoped that I WOULDN'T, drunk with some guy that wasn't my boyfriend. But we did get to know each oher before and I didn't even have any kind of sexual activity with this guy for month months and knew him for 6 months before we had sex. We just ended up hangin out for a few months, but not seriously. I'm not having sex to gain a relationship with a guy at all. I think sometimes it's when I meet a guy that I feel comfortable with I do engage in some kind of activity with them, but that's been like 3 months and before that it was 4 or 5 months. So i'm not extremely sexually active in anyway, no kissing, no nothing.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:46am

It seems that you have this idea that you MUST be sexual in order to be happy. That's not the case though. Many people live celibate lives and are happy. We aren't all supposed to be the same.

Take the pressure off yourself to be sexual because you believe that's what's expected. IF you don't feel naturally experimental or curious, then wait until you do. IF that never happens then don't worry about it. Accept who you are.

If it's guilt fueling this lack of desire, then decide why you feel guilty. Your body belongs to YOU though, and pleasing yourself isn't wrong.

IF you want to be sexual but don't feel a natural desire, then start with a check up. You could have a hormonal deficiency, be depressed or have some other underlying condition that you're unaware of. If you don't find anything physically wrong, then get some counseling.

Sometimes, unrealistic expectations are the the reason why we turn off to something though.




Edited 10/27/2005 11:53 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 3:48pm

Ok, then what's probably happening is that you're looking for acceptance by "giving" your body, and then you're disgusted with yourself for doing it.

Contrary to what many young people think and do these days, it is NOT necessary to have sex with anyone to get their attention. Not everyone jumps into bed with a guy just because he's nice to them, or because he takes them out for a date. It's far better to NOT engage in sex with someone until you've known them and dated them for a while, months, or even years. Then when you DO, it's because you want to, and you KNOW they respect you and care about you even if you're not having sex with them.

It IS about self respect and being secure about your own worth. If you have sex only because you think it's expected of you, particularly when it's someone you have NO feelings for, then you aren't respecting yourself, and you're not expecting respect from these guys, either. It's NORMAL to then be disgusted with yourself, especially if you never hear from them again.....because then you KNOW they only wanted sex from you, and you know you allowed yourself to be used.

Try getting to know someone well, and build a friendship with them before you allow yourself to have sex with them. It's a test for them. If they really like you, they'll want to be with you if you NEVER have sex with them! If you don't have sex with them, and they don't come around any more, then you know they only wanted sex from you, not the pleasure of your company. Respect yourself, and a decent man will respect you too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 5:00pm

I don't think i ever felt it to the extreme you do... but i think i kind of understand.

I lost my virginity at 21. At the time it seemed like it was for all the right reasons and i was ready. But I quickly started regreting it. Ever before the relationship ended. I didn't feel i could really say no after we'd already done it. I still cringe a bit if i think back to it all though. The relationship ended badly... so between that and my discomfort over the whole situation I ended up staying single and celibate for nearly 5 years. For a long time i hated my ex and what we'd done. But i've mostly learned to accept it now.

I'm just this month starting to have sex again. Things are completely different now. No regrets... i won't say no worries because believe me i still have plenty of those. And i certainly have no issues saying no if i don't like where things are headed now. I don't know what the diffrence really is... mostly i think i just finished growing up.

This was just me... but the long break definatly changed my feelings towards sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 3:41am

I'll throw my 2 cents worth in too.

There may not be any traumatic event in your life that causes the feelings that you have had. I just thought that the message about childhood abuse from the other posters was coming through a little strongly when it didn't necessarily relate to your situation just yet.

You say that you were raised in a loving family and weren't allowed to date until you were 16yo but didn't because you were scared of boys by then anyway. I think that it's probable that your upbringing and what your parents behaviour and expectations influenced your own feelings. That's nothing new - that's what happens to everyone. But in your case I wonder if it went a little further than normal and for some reason you got a very strong but wrong message about sex? I wonder why you said that you were scared of boys by then? Why were you scared? What did you have to be scared of? Perhaps your disguest with sex now is a result of having sex after your parents drummed the dangers of dating, of pregnancy, of masturbation and orgasm, of boys, and of sex into you at an earlier age? Perhaps you feel disappointed with yourself for having sex - maybe you feel that you have let your parents down in some way? Once, again, as the others have mentioned, the feelings of guilt make you feel ill and disgusted.

As already said, the answers lie inside you. You DO know why you feel this way deep down. I hope that you can find the reasons, look at them in the cold light of day and realise that if you are happy with what you are doing and you are willingly doing what you want to do then there is no reason feel bad about sex. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 7:42pm

I like the wording that the others used, preprocker.

YES, it is possible to be physically close and trusting with someone else single and simply not engage in actual sexual activity, or in this case, activity that may be deemed inappropriate by comparison.

There are both men AND women out there who suffer from going against their conscience in this case. In fact, I did when first getting romantic with Lady Para, now Mrs. Para. My body's reaction at that time was the classic erectile dysfunction, lol, but that didn't stop us from trying and trying anyway, LOL!

Doesn't sound like an irresolvable issue for you, thankfully. Sounds like a case of you having what could be construed as a better head on your shoulders than you realized?, lol...each will view it as they will. Keep your body and self only for the one you truly mean to share with, as opposed to just someone you have feelings for at the time, and it sounds like that may help prevent you from these feelings any further.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 11:49pm

Westridge2001- The reason I was afraid of boys was because I had really low self-esteem. I was scared that there was no way anyone liked me. I hated the way I looked. In all actuality there was nothing wrong with me. I was the only that thought there was. Now former classmates come up to me and tell me they used to have a crush on me. So it was all in my head. Also, me and my family never really talked about sex. The only thing my dad ever said was that he knew me and my brother we interested in the opposite sex. That was the end of the conversation with me. I think you're right when you said, I feel disappointed in myself. For the longest time I have regretted the way I lost my virginity and I have been looking for a way to make myself feel better after that. I never wanted to be the girl that regretted it and now I am. I think that might be it.

Thank you all for you're comments and help. I just wanted to know if this was common and a little be of enlightment. I was very confused and now I know that I just have to find a way to help myself cope with it.

Thanx all

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 1:19am
Good luck with sorting things out. I'm sorry to hear that your first time wasn't what you had hoped that it would be. Still, you can get past that. That one time need not define your enjoyment or view of sex for the rest of your life. You should be able accept what happened, understand that sometimes some things (even the significant ones) just don't work out how we wanted them to, and work towards making your next sexual experiences better and better.