Last chance...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Last chance...
10
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 8:42am

Yes, I've been a "lurker" out there reading these posts and never thought I'd be writing one but I've hit a point in my life where I need advice and I have nowhere else to turn.

Please be patient with this post. I'll try to be as concise as I can but this takes a bit of explaining.

There is one major driving force in my life - I want to be in a loving relationship with a woman. Who doesn't want love? It doesn't define who we are as a person, but it certainly gives color and texture to every part of our lives. What would life be if you worked, played, had friends and family but everyday for the totality of your life, you came home to an empty home and were alone? I am a romantic. I want that one special person in my life to share laughter, tears, passion and most of all, a deep and special friendship that lasts both our lives until that day we pass into whatever happens after we die.

When I was sixteen, I met an eighteen year old girl that I thought was the most fantastic person I had ever known. I was intensely attracted and luckily she was attracted to me as well. I was a virgin and she was experienced. We began a sexual relationship a few months after meeting and she taught me a great deal about pleasuring a woman sexually and emotionally. We became incredibly close. I was totally in love. Within a year or so, I found out that she was cheating on me with another man and even caught them at it once. I was devastated. The relationship continued for a short while but as you would expect, it ended.

I attempted suicide (unsuccessfully thank goodness) and once I recovered my sensibility, I became distant from relationships. Yes, I had several girlfriends, but never again allowed myself to get that close to anyone again. I was not going to allow myself to hurt that way ever again. And now this created a pitched battle inside me - wanting to find love but not allowing myself to get close to a woman emotionally.

After about fifteen years, when I was nearing thirty, I met another woman who sparked my heart to life. There was no sexual relationship, we were only casually dating, but I could feel myself falling for her. Unfortunately for me, she was coming out of a divorce and was also casually dating another man at the same time as me. There was no commitment at this point, but as you probably can figure out, she eventually chose the other man. Again, I was hurt, but I was not devastated as before. There hadn't really been that much invested and the breakup was "just one of those things".

But my life did change. Over the next few years I became depressed. I had wanted this relationship of love for so long, failed twice, didn't want to be hurt but didn't want to live the life I described at the beginning of this (alone). I had more casual relationships with women and eventually began to "cut to the chase" and date hookers. I began to live dangerously. I guess in a way, I was trying again to commit suicide but in a way to have the world do it for me. I eventually came to my senses again after a few years of that and started a relationship with a woman over a decade my senior and she was a heavy drinker. I wasn't in love but the relationship was comfortable and my life stabilized. I thought, "if you can't find love, why not just settle?"

After about a decade of that lifestyle, her drinking began to increase dramatically, her verbal and mental abuse was commensurate with the drinking and eventually I left the relationship. A few months later I met a woman that rocked my world. She was incredible. All of the qualities that I had looked for in a woman were there - personable, attractive, funny, heartfelt, smart, assertive, career-oriented, stable and most of all, single. We began a relationship. She is also freshly out of a divorce and was betrayed by the man she loved. Needless to say, she's not in a hurry to start a serious thing but finds me attractive and fun to be with. Her attitude is "let's just see where this goes and not put any pressure on it". OK, I'm good with that.

Problem is, I've fallen hard for her. I couldn't help it. She is everything I've ever dreamed a woman could be. We have fun together, we laugh, we've shed some commiserating tears and our sex life has been great. She knows that I've fallen for her but she still doesn't want to rush things. She felt she fell into her past relationship too fast, fooled herself and now ended up divorced, so she wants to take her time. I understand, but I also know that what I feel in my heart is so strong, I am at a "no turning back" point and if things turn out badly, I'm going to suffer a hurt I have always avoided.

It is now seven months later. I have moved from the city I was living in to the city she was living in. I changed jobs not only to get out of a failing company where I was, but also to work nearer to her. I have a new apartment near where she lives. I don't have any new friends yet but that may come with time. She and I spend some nights at her place, some at mine and some apart and on our own. Life seems pretty good overall.

Now to the problem. I am not well endowed. I would say that I'm on the small side of medium. I do know how to pleasure a woman in other ways and she always seems quite happy with her orgasms. But in her past, the men she has been with have been rather largely endowed and she wasn't entirely happy with that. She said that sometimes it was painful and two of the men she was with had a problem reaching a climax so sex would go on for two to four hours at a time when she was feeling more like "aren't you done yet?". She has told me in the past that she was quite happy with my size and that I didn't take hours to reach climax. Things seemed quite good.

Recently however, she has seemed a bit dissatisfied. I finally asked her, "are there times you wish I was somewhat larger?" She responded with, "Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no." I offered to bring in a sex toy (dildo) that was a larger size and pleasure her with that if it would satisfy her "sometimes yes" side. She became rather uncomfortable with the discussion and changed the subject.

Now I'm worried. If her dissatisfaction grows, it could lead to the demise of our relationship and lead her to seek pleasure elsewhere. If I can't get her to talk about this and find a way to satisfy her desires, I will lose her. I understand that a relationship is not just sex, but when someone is unhappy with their partner, no matter how much love is there, something dies that is vital to the relationship. It can take years, but in the end, the love is gone. I can't lose her. She means so much to me and yet there's nothing I can do about my size. I'm willing to work with her on this and find ways around it, but if she won't talk about it, what can I do? I am so scared that the beautiful relationship that has just gotten started will end and the hurt will overwhelm me. I realize I'm panicked right now but I need advice from the women out there. What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:05am

You don't have to be a psychologist or psychiatrist to see what's going on in your life. At 16 you fell "in love".....and then she cheated on you. You attempted suicide, and as you say, thankfully, you failed. However, what you don't see is that you did succeed emotionally. You killed your self esteem and numbed your emotions. From that time on, you've picked inappropriate partners......partners that were SURE to hurt you in the long term. Women on the rebound, hookers, alcoholics, and most of them also emotionally damaged. Now you're with someone else who is emotionally damaged, and who definitely doesn't know you, or understand you.

Because you're emotionally damaged, you're looking for some reason that this relationship will fail, too. Thus the discussion of "size". Only an insecure man would ask a partner to compare him to previous partners, and only a damaged insecure woman would answer that question! A "loving, caring, and nurturing" woman would NEVER tell a man that she'd been with "larger" men. Only an insecure man would assume that it was his "size" when things seemed to be cooling off. Only an uhappy woman would tell him that "maybe" that's the problem. A woman who is newly divorced, and has baggage.

If you think that bringing in a sex toy will satisfy her, you're sadly mistaken. Her "cooling off" has nothing to do with your size. You were a "rebound" for her, and now she's backing off which is what people do when they begin to heal from their wounds. It has nothing to do with you or your size. It has to do with her. You are projecting into the future, and you're sure this isn't going to last. You may be right, but if that happens, it's something that's changed in her, and has nothing to do with you.

You've again picked a damaged person to become involved with. Do you see that's your pattern? The only thing consistent in your life story is that you've always picked inappropriate partners. That's because your own self esteem has never been repaired from the time you were a teenager.

You can't get the help you need here. What you need is some professional help, someone that can help you see what you've been doing all your life is very predictable, and what you need to do to heal yourself. You aren't consciously picking these people, but nevertheless, you continue to put yourself into situations that are doomed from the start. You need help to understand why you're doing that, and to STOP sabotaging your own life.

From your "timeframe", I'm guessing you're a mature man, and there are plenty of decent UNdamaged women out there that are looking for a decent man to love them. You just keep looking for the wrong ones.

As for the size question, if a woman loves a man, and that man knows how to sexually please her, his "size" will NEVER be a topic of contention. NEVER! If a woman truly loves a man, she will love every inch of him, inside and out. Just the fact that you asked this woman if it was your "size"......gave her an "out". It was a self defeating question for you (and very insensitive of her to tell you it "might" be a problem!).

If you want to find someone to love you, first you have to work on loving yourself, including your penis. As you said, there's nothing you can do to change it. Please look into getting yourself some professional help. Without it, you'll just continue on the same path you've been on all your adult life, and as you know, that path leads nowhere but to unhappiness and lonliness. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:53pm


The thing about insecurity is it's unattractive. (I should know, I'm also often insecure about myself in bed.) Don't get me wrong: if there is a problem, you should discuss and resolve it. But obsessing over an insecurity -- and it sounds like your size may be an insecurity -- isn't going to fix anything, it'll make it worse. Women want to be with sexy, confident men. If you know how to pleasure her then you are doing the right thing in bed.

On the "cooling off" issue...who knows what that's about. Could be any number of things, none of which may be sexual. I guess I'd suggest raising the cooling off topic casually and seeing where it goes. Communication is always important and always sexy. IMO.

I think the poster before me was a bit harsh, but I agree that it sounds to me like what you need is to really dig yourself. It's not easy. I've most definitely been "damaged" and I tend to date "damaged" men. But, again, I don't necessarily agree with the poster above me as to the reason why. I truly believe that folks who have been through difficult times in their history have a broader perspective, it makes us more aware of how transitory life and happiness can be, it shapes our views of self, reality, and hope, and it ultimately builds strength if we come out of it on the right side. The real issue, to me, is whether the person who faced that life-altering event, embraced it, and moved forward in a way that allowed them to be successful...or if they allowed it to define their life or constrain their accomplishments. Right now, I get the feeling you may have allowed this damage to define you in some way when you could just let it inform a piece of one facet of all the facets that make up you; and you seek out folks who did the same.

First order of business may well be finding your group of friends in the city. Make the city about _your life_, not hers. I think you need a little perspective and distance from this one and having your own thing set up helps that tremendously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 3:17pm

Thank you for your response and the thought you put into it.

Yes, I guess I never really healed from long ago and yes, I am in my 40's now and wanted so badly to try one more time to find love before I'm too old to have the life I've always wanted. I probably do need professional help, but you know, at this stage of the game I don't think it's really worth it anymore. I'm not a young man with a life ahead of me, I'm a middle aged man looking at a wasted youth and descent into old age ahead of me. I gambled every chip I had left on this one, heart and soul, and I just don't think I've got the strength to try again. It just hurts too damn much. Some things that get broken, stay broken because there's just not enough left to repair.

Now I simply have to play out the hand dealt to me and wait to see what she'll do. My prediction: she'll begin to pull further away and eventually say something like, "well you're a really nice guy but this just isn't working out for me". Maybe I'll get surprised and she'll fall in love with me, who knows. All I really do know is that this is the last time for me and that is exactly why I gambled it all. I may have a losing hand, but I'm going to play it like a winner all the way to the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 3:41pm

I wish it were easy to make friends because it never has been for me. I'm a rather solitary man and would much rather spend time hiking in the mountains or reading a book than watching a football game or hanging out drunk in a bar trying to pick up women, which most of the men I've met prefer to do. Not that I haven't had my share of both female and male friends, but since I've moved here, I'm pretty much alone most of the time when I'm not with her. The friends that I still have are several hours drive away and busy with their own lives. We talk on the phone once in awhile, but it's not the same as having someone to talk to face to face. I've tried going out to places alone and meet people but I usually end up coming home feeling more lonely than before. I still keep trying, but it isn't easy.

And yes, the previous poster was a bit harsh but much of what was said was absolutely true. I never healed and remain damaged. I knew getting into the relationship that I am currently in that she was damaged, but she didn't seem to be severely so. And she is such a strong woman. I admire her resolve in getting over her past pain and I guess a part of me thought I could do the same. I felt like we shared a troubled past that had made us each wiser and stronger. I felt that potentially we could make a life together and be for each other what we had never found in anyone else. It is still possible that that may happen, I don't know. I am scared of being hurt again and that makes me paranoid that something like my size could cause it to happen all over again. I'm actually happy with my body and my looks, although I admit that I am a bit insecure about my size in that area. I guess a lot of men want to be a woman's ideal in that area and have her "Ooooo!" and "Ahhhh!" about it, just as some women want the same appreciation from a man. It's the old animal sexual instinct thing, you know. We all want to be the best and most attractive. But I don't let it rule my life or obsess over it.

I don't know. I guess I wrote this post to hear something to cheer me up. I'm alone in this city, I'm scared of losing a woman that I think is the most wonderful person I've ever met in my life and I'm a bit depressed with the winter's chill howling at my door. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe worse. In either case, I am going to trudge on and see if I can find a little sunshine, whether outside or from a friend.

Thank you for your response and I hope you find a man who is everything you'd ever hoped for, someone who helps heal the damaged parts and gives you a smile like sunshine every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:43pm

Orion, your reply to me makes me really sad! You are in your 40's, and you're thinking that you're a "middle aged" man? NOT by a long shot. You have many years ahead of you, and you need to make the choice, whether you want to work towards happiness, or simply throw in the towel, and do nothing. You are NOT too old to fix things! You said in your other reply that you're a loner.....and that goes right along with your problems. You'd rather be alone than risk rejection, even from "friends".

I'm really sorry you felt that my reply to you was harsh. It was the truth, and sometimes the truth is harsh, because it hurts. I didn't mean it to be harsh or hurtful, I meant it to make you look at yourself, take stock of yourself and your life, and encourage you to FIX your life. It's NEVER too late! Wouldn't it be better to put your unhappy 20 years behind you and try to make the next 20 happy? Isn't it worth TRYING?

I'm 71 years old, I've been hurt more than a few times in my life, but that doesn't mean that I will avoid contact with other people rather than risk hurt again! Believe it or not, I found "love" when I was 64 years old! It IS possible! I chose early on NOT to carry baggage around with me.....because all that does is give you a sore back, and remind you constantly of your pain. Get rid of the baggage, and if that takes professional help, then get it.

Maybe this thing with your current g/f will work out, maybe it won't.....but you can certainly do your part to TRY to make it better.....and maybe help her to make her life happier too.

The only people who NEVER fail are those who never TRY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:03am
Hmmm....you certainly give me pause for thought. I most certainly would never survive another 20 years like this and trying is better than giving up. I respect your experience and your genuine concern. With all I've been through I feel like an old man, tired and wasted but then again, age is a state of mind, isn't it? Maybe with help I can regain the strength I need to change and find happiness again. I am going to give this a lot of thought over the next few days and come to a decision, but please let me tell you that your words have not been wasted. You have opened my eyes to possibilities that were hidden in shadow for me. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:51am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:14am
After reading her post back to me this morning, I definitely have some things to think about. Yes, she is a very wise person and has given me a new perspective. What I've been seeing as "unfixable" may not be as bleak as I had estimated. Thanks.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 6:27pm

Your situation is so common, particularly in a day and time when it's so difficult to make an intimate emotional connection with other people. But "Last Chance?" Hon, your "Last Chance" is when you're on your death bed!

It sounds like you're hanging onto this woman for dear life because you fear there will never be another and you'll end up alone. And that is likely scaring her a bit. Desperation isn't attractive and it certainly doesn't encourage respect.

Partners have to be equals in relationships or there will be problems. Instead of always being the one to bend and twist yourself into a pretzel to fit into her world....out of fear...why not begin to be more assertive and confident, even if you don't completely feel it right now? And THAT will be far more attractive to her than your insecurity over your size.

Neediness/insecurity will drive most people away quicker than anything else. Have you ever gotten treatment for your depression and other issues?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 6:31pm
And we don't grow from the good times, we grow from the bad times and the trials.