About to give up on sex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
About to give up on sex...
7
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:26pm
Ok- I'll try to make it short. Basically, he hasn't been spending enough time on me, so we tried extending foreplay, and by the time it came to intercourse he wasn't hard anymore. He said it was bc he was hard for so long all that time during foreplay, even though I didn't even touch him. It was about 30 min of foreplay.
Well, finally it got back up, after 5 mintues or so, but then when he finished he was worn out or w/e. It seems like there is no right way for him to spend time on me to make me climax! I know its not his job, but if he tries to pleasure me before intercourse, he first of all is nervous and just wants to get to intercourse bc he likes it better and its not all on him, but then he cant even stay hard that long and gets embarassed. And I dont think he would ever think of trying to still do stuff to me after he is done, even though I have tried to put his hand down there several times to show him I wasnt ready to be done. I always bring up how every time its over with i'm not satisfied, and he gets mad, but worst of all the problem never gets solved. I sometimes wish it didnt exist, bc all it does is cause problems and makes me resentful towards him. I know it's not his fault, but I've said what to do plainly and clearly and it never helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:00am

It's not all his fault......because as you said, it's not his "job" to give you orgasms. Have you ever had one, do you know HOW to have them? Of course he wants to get to intercourse, because what he's doing isn't doing any good, and he's worried he's going to lose the erection, because you're getting mad, and it's really not good for either one of you. Then you tell him it was no good, so he gets mad. So now you're both mad! I can see why you just want to give up.

You two need to have a long talk, outside the bedroom. You need to stop laying the blame on him, because it's not only his fault. Maybe you need a "show and tell" so that he knows where he's supposed to go, and what he's supposed to do. Putting his hand there doesn't tell him anything! TALKING is what it takes.

It's not unusual for a guy to lose his erection when he's concentrating on foreplay, especially if it takes a long time. It's really not a big deal, because it comes back. You BOTH need to forget about orgasms for a while, and just concentrate on "pleasure". That means pleasure for BOTH of you. Even while he's giving you foreplay, you can be stimulating him too. It's not ONLY for you. If you relax and enjoy what he's doing, and stop worrying whether or not you'll have an orgasm, you'll both be happy, and there's plenty of pleasure to be had without an orgasm. If that's all you're thinking about, it's not going to happen.

Both of you should check out www.the-clitoris.com and learn about your body, and what it takes to have orgasms. If he sees it graphically, maybe he'll understand it better. Maybe you will too!

Stop making your orgasms a goal, and start concentrating on giving each other pleasure. If you can't have sex without both of you getting mad, then you're right, why bother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:51pm

It sounds like both of you are more interested and focused


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 11:52pm
I just wanted to clear this up- I never act mad about it to him. I at worst act frustrated- but never during the act. When he loses his erection all the time, I never make it seem like a big deal and act as best as I know how. I act like everything is fine and that I am happy. But I am mad/unsatisfied on the inside. When I do bring it up, I try to be as calm as possible, but he usually does get mad. We haven't talked about the "orgasm" part of it for a couple of months, but when we talk about it I just talk about him trying to make me feel good bc a lot of the time I do manual and oral sex to him and doesnt do the same to me. We have been enjoying it a lot for lately and it has been better. But I think in his mine it is either my pleasure or his, like it can't be both at once. I don't know. Its just how I feel. I really don't want to bring it up to him anymore bc he has already said something along the lines that I am sex obsessed. I just want to do something myself that could solve the fact that I always leave feeling unsatisfied.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 12:08am

You may think you're not showing your anger, but you are. And he's feeling useless, which is why he gets mad.

It's true that it's difficult for both of you to have it ALL at once, but there's no reason why you can't be stimulating him manually while he's giving you foreplay! And if you're looking for simultaneous orgasms, that's difficult for most people, particularly if they're not in tune with each other, and you two definitely aren't. Maybe not orgasms at the same time, but pleasure at the same time is definitely achievable.....if you're both trying. Also, simply because of the way women are made, a good lover knows it should be "ladies first". It sounds like your b/f doesn't really understand the pleasure of GIVING pleasure....and what he needs to do to give you that pleasure. You two need to TALK, and start understanding each other. Anger and frustration is NOT an aphrodisiac.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:35am

Body language speaks volumes and it's not difficult at all to pick up on anger, frustration, being upset, etc.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 11:43pm

After he gives you foreplay, do you do anything to help him regain his erection? My guy will lose his erection when giving me a lot of foreplay, but it takes less than a minute in my mouth to get it back.

Have you tried touching yourself as part of the foreplay? If my guy is looking for a quickie and I need a little warm up, I'll touch myself and have him in my mouth until I'm ready to go. That way he stays highly aroused, but I get ready too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 8:54am
I would be willing to guess that he knows that you aren't happy and that messes with his head. A lot of guys do loose erections during foreplay, especially if they have been drinking (even a few beers). It also doesn't sound like the two of you are simultaneously stimulating each other. 30 minutes shouldn't be spent on one person with 0 on the other (unless, of course, it's a special of the day!). Have the two of you tried masturbating together? This may serve to handle your orgasm and to teach him what you need so that he can help in the future. When he finishes and you guide his hand down there, have you ever thought about introducing a toy or using your own hand? Also, dirty talk is sexy and helps build confidence. If he looses his erection, why not tell him (in a sexy way) it's okay, you love to get him ready anyway. Is he always in control during intercourse? Do you ever take control? Try positions that allow you some control. When you know that he is getting close to climax, back off and let it calm down, then start again. It will build huge excitement for both of you. You can also stop intercourse all together and go back to manual pleasing, or try using a vibrator on your clitoris during intercourse. And as others have said, don't spend so much time concentrating on the orgasm. I have found that it is more productive to let the feeling overtake you than to try to overtake the feeling. Concentrate on feeling good and enjoying the pleasure at hand (no pun intended).