Really awkward sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Really awkward sex
6
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 1:46am
Ok, I have been dating a guy for about a month now, and we have had sex three times. But everything is still really awkward, and not really getting any better.
First of all, he says he has a phobia about having an orgasm because he is afraid of getting someone pregnant. Even though we are using two forms of birth control, he still refuses. I have suggested other methods, and tried to bring him to orgasm, but it just doesn't happen. He just ends up going soft. He says that in time, he will when he is more comfortable with me. But in the meantime I feel really awkward and like he is not getting satisfied.
Secondly, I mentioned this already, but he never seems to be fully erect. But it always works anyway. But the third time we had sex, he just kept going completely soft, and after about five minutes just gave up. He told me that he needs to be able to see me (we always have sex in the dark). But I am way too self conscious to let him see me in the light. I have gained a good deal of weight (before we got together) and have scars all over my body. And I am just not comfortable with letting him see that. But he says that it's needs to happen or the sex is never going to work.
Thirdly, he keeps hinting that he wants something more, like along the lines of experimentation, which I am trying to do different things, but it doesn't seem to help.I have asked him to tell me what he likes, and made it clear that I would not judge him for it, but he just says he doesn't know. He said last night that he needs to figure out what he is afraid of with me.
I just don't know what to do, because I really like him, and relationship wise, everything is progressing well, but sexually things are really awkward. I always end up feeling like he isn't attracted to me, and he ends up saying he is worried about what i am thinking.
I hope someone can give me some advice on this situation, because I am desperate :(
Thanks,
A.S.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:01am

Sex three times! He's nervous, and he's told you that. He also wants to see you in the light, and if you're that insecure about your body, then maybe you shouldn't be even trying. He doesn't have to see you naked to know your weight....and what's the big deal about scars? Many people have them....plus stretch marks, cellulite, moles, etc. So what? If you think your body will scare him away, then let him see it NOW....and get it over with, or do you intend to have sex in the dark forever?

The bottom line here is that it's ONLY three times. Forget about "experimentation" for the time being, you aren't doing to well with straight sex yet. Also, his paranoia about getting you pregnant is a bit excessive. All in all, it doesn't sound like you two are going to be very happy sexually, no matter how long you keep trying. Between your insecurities and his paranoia, I don't see how it can work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 5:52am

If he's worried about what you are thinking that's a good sign!

Look, if there is an emotional connection and though you haven't felt the sex is good, he is still with you, there is something deeper than sex. Give it a little bit of time.

Obviously you have to eventually be able to satisfy each other, but maybe, when you're both more comfortable, you'll be more willing to try new things, i.e., you having sex with the lights on.

It's not difficult for guy's to orgasm on their own, pardon my vulgarity, so don't worry about that so much. If every other area of the relationship is good then sex will get better.

Check out my sig for experiment ideas. It's something that has helped me and my SO, but they think I'm spamming, so I won't post in the message. If it doesn't show up it's monogamy chronicles dot com.

Good luck!

Avatar for redwillow72
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 7:15am

Hey Blondie, listen up. It seems on this board we're dealing with guys who are nervous or who are less experienced then some of us. I don't know if you've ever read Men are from Mars, women are from venus. Well, men need to feel "manly", and here we come with our experience and dominance and it kind-of makes them feel insecure. We have to back down a little and let things happen. Turn the light on!!!! If it will make you feel better before you see him, lather yourself up with coco butter - do something that will make YOU feel soft and pretty. It will not get rid of the scars, but it will make you feel much better. I remember when I first met my hubby our sex was awful. Reason being is we're 10 years diff in years with me being younger. I was used to sex with lingerie and handcuffs and all that. Hubby who had a handful of partners wasn't used to that. So here I go with being very dominant and guess what, our first 10 times of having sex he went soft! And guess what, now we've been married 6 years and FINALLY our sex is where it should be!!!! We "found" what was missing! He wanted more foreplay and wanted me to be into "him" rather than the sex, and he learned what I liked. So we got it together and it's so hot, heavy and passionate. So if I were you, give it time. Let him make the moves and experiment with the lights on, etc. Try to make yourself feel sexy. Lotions work for me as it gets rid of any dryness and when he runs his hands on your body, you "feel" soft. You have to feel good in order for the sex to feel good. Hope that helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 9:23am
I'm actually with Sakura on this one. Your insecurities, his paranoia don't put much hope in it really. Why is he so paranoid about getting you pregnant? I assume by you saying that you are using two methods of contraception, you mean condoms, and birth control such as The Pill, injection, implant etc. So what is there to worry about? maybe he has deeper issues than just being paranoid about you getting pregnant. I don't want to sound nasty, but you both don't seem compatible in bed. Until you can both get over your own issues, you should give sex a rest.
You have body anxiety, ok, fair enough, everyone does. But if he is as keen on you to have sex with you, why is it a problem? Hows about you stop looking at yourself so critically? Look at your good points (everyone has some) like your amazing legs, good shoulders, nice bum, or whatever part you like the most. And when you get naked, think about this area. Or alternatively, get him to tell you which bit he likes about you best. I used to think no man would want to see me naked, but then when me and my boyfriend have sex, I know he wants me. It makes me less awkward about getting naked around him, but I put on a chemise thing which parted in the middle, with a little thong (im not fat but not skinny) and I became so scared of what he would think I began to shake and couldn't look at him. He in turn felt really guilty because he had asked me to wear it. But the minute he kissed me, I knew he was happy to have seen me in it. As scared and self-conscious as I was, it made it less sexy and more like a scared rabbit in the headlights.
Try talking with him, and experimenting should be left for later on. when you are having good straight sex. x
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:13am


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 12:22am
There is something going on here. I do not think he has a psychological problem. However I feel he is either cheating on you or he has a fantasy that he is afraid to share with you. In any event I feel he needs to feel more secure in his relationship with you and the two of you need to build more communication.