Concerned about marriage/sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Concerned about marriage/sex
1
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:23pm

Hi, I have never posted here and I need to get some responses back about this. I have been happily married to a great guy for a few years. And our sex is good, I mean I can orgasm everytime, during and after with afterplay. But it's not like super intense. I have told my husband several times about what I like and how I like it. I ask him what he wants and likes. And he is fine with things...but I like more and have expressed it over and over. He recently mentioned that he likes just being with me and infered that sex wasn't that important, but just wanted to be with me. I was sorta stunned. He also makes comments that I cheat on him and I am talking online to boyfriends, etc. I have brought this to his attention as well and told him I don't like it and to stop and he tells me that he is only joking. I dearly love my husband and don't want to leave him. But it's like he doesn't understand all of my needs and there aren't many!! So, I'm not high maintenance. I just have certain needs. And there are sooo many other qualities of my husband that I don't think I could find in someone else. Seriously, he is just so wonderful and other women tell him all the time how they are so jealous of me because of how he lavishes things and expresses his feeling toward and about me.

But....

There was a guy I used to work with and just hearing his voice made me turn into jello. I don't know what it was or when it started, but one day I just noticed him (we no longer work together and nothing ever happened. We didn't even carry on a full conversation.) But have you ever just met some guy who faded into the background and then BAMM!! one day THERE HE WAS. And you just knew in the back of your mind...he has got to be fantastic (toe curling) in bed. Even hearing his voice gets you going, like he could read a soup can label, and that would make you run for the bedroom, just to have intense sex! Well, that's how it was for this guy. And I am not going to cheat? And I don't want to get divorced, but I DO NOT want this little thing in the bed with my husband to grow to where I'm fantasizing about having sex with other guys.

I just don't get it though, it's not like my wants are kinky or out of the ordinary. Any suggestions on how to resolve this would be GREAT!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:32am

You may just be experiencing mismatched libidos. There is a board on ivillage where you may be able to learn more about that.

Relationships tend to go through many twists and stages. There will be times of more sexual energy and times of less -- for both of you. Many things can factor into lowering a libido (like stress, ED, weight gain, etc.).

Since your DH has made "jokes" that you have a BF and it seems that you think it may be more than a joke, I wouldn't share my fantasies with him. I think it is possible to meet a person or two along your path that just stir up an instinct like the guy you worked with. It's how you act on that instinct that can get you into trouble. Married or not, you are not dead. You can not control your subconscious thoughts, and it is nice to be reminded that you are still alive, but it is okay to keep some of that to yourself.

I think you do need to talk with your DH about the different places you are at right now. He may be experiencing problems that can be fixed, and it's important for the two of you to be able to openly discuss what's happening.

Perhaps you just need some spice for excitement, and I think every relationship needs that from time to time. There are a million and one ways to add spice, but one thing I love is to tease my DH throughout the day. This tends to get him really worked up by the time he gets home from work, and I continue to tease him until the kids have gone to bed. The more excited I get him, the hotter the sex seems to be (of course, I'm a bit overly excited by this time too). Anyway, sometimes I put a note on his bathroom sink or the dashboard of his car. Sometimes I talk dirty to him on the phone during the day. Sometimes I just give him a really sexy hug before he leaves in the morning. If I was having fantasies during the day, I would probably use that energy to turn my husband on also. I don't monopolize his day (afterall, he does have to get his work done), but I do make a point of teasing him several times throughout the day, or atleast address him in ways that keeps sex on his mind. (Like answering the phone "Hello sexy", or saying things like "if I could only meet you for lunch".) If you are putting this kind of energy into setting the mood and he is still not responding, then I would recommend you see a therapist together.