Foreplay

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Foreplay
6
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 2:29am

Hi everyone! This is my first time to join the message board. I am glad there are other people who can listen and help with topics like this.

I have been married for seven years. For the first 6 years, my husband and I hardly had sex (we used to do it once in every four months). And when I got pregnant, he never wanted to have sex with me (from two pregnancies). I have been very frustrated with this but because I love him so much, I just put up with this issue and tried to understand his reasoning. His reasons were always due to stress handling our business which I tried to understand. Then, he said, once our business kicks in and starts to make more money, maybe it will get better. When time came that business was doing really well, nothing changed. Then he came up with a realization that maybe there's something on the size of my breast that makes him not to have sex with me. So, we had that taken care of. I had my breast done. After that, then it got better (we had sex more often...like once a month...wooptidoo)! My biggest problem is that once we have sex, he wants me to do all the work (foreplay) so his thing would get hard. I do all the work and all he does is lay down there. He doesn't touch me or anything. That really turns me off. His reason for this is that he's the type of person who is not passionate and doesn't show a lot of affection especially when having sex. This is what I have been doing since we got married. Is this right? It sounds unfair to me. Today is valentines day. This morning he was giving a clue that he wanted to have sex tonight. So, I tried to dress up sexy for the night, started doing the foreplay (as usual) and there he was trying to watch his "Deal or No Deal" show on TV. Didn't care what I am doing. Then, later he asked me if I have other tricks to make him excited. I was just sick of it and so mad and got out of the room. Good day to ruin somebody else's valentines day. Anyway, this did not just happened today. This happened many many times when I started to do a foreplay and ended up with nothing but being tired doing all the possibilities to make him excited. I'm kinda sick of it. But I don't know what to tell him. When I start talking about it, he gets mad and makes it a big issue. He says everytime I complain about the way we have sex, it makes him even more uninterested to have sex with me. I'd like to hear your opinion on this. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: chi_chi
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 3:20am

Well, clearly you are married to a guy that just simply isn't interested in sex. Probably never has been and never will be. It doesn't sound like he's even interested when he has it so I'm wondering if he kinda forces himself to have sex occasionally. That would certainly explain why he just lies there and then says very insensitive things to you. I don't know why he isn't interested in the first place though. Maybe it's a naturally low libido, maybe it's a medical issue, maybe it's serious emotional baggage, maybe he married you for practical reasons and not love, maybe he's a closet homosexual, who would know? The only person that knows is him and if he's not going to talk about it then it makes any resolution or discussions about the subject very very difficult.

I really think that the ball is in your court. What do you want from him? Forgetting about him for a moment, what do you want for yourself? What would you LIKE?

You've got two choices. First is to sit him down and simply talk to him. Don't be mad, don't be upset. Be open and understanding and talk to him. Tell him what the problem is in less than ten words. If you need to say "sex" then say "sex", if you need to say "penis" then say "penis" instead of "thing". Don't be coy and embarrassed about it. Your trying to have a clear and open conversation about the issue and about what the TWO of you can do about it. If he won't talk or storms off then try it again later. And again and again if necessary.

Second choice is that you leave him and find a partner that will make you feel wanted and loved and who will enjoy sex with you. If your husband simply refuses time and time again to talk about your sex life or he repeatedly blames you, or your body, then this may be the only option left to you. Either that or give up and spend the rest of your life without sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
In reply to: chi_chi
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 9:03am

I agree with westridge. Your husband has little or no interest in sex (with you). He may be taking care of his own needs (which says he's selfish and lazy) or he just has problems, that Westridge spelled out.

The first option you have is, as he said, start TALKING. If he won't talk, or he gets angry about it, then the next option is marriage counselling. Of course, if he won't talk, then he probably won't agree to counselling EITHER. Then YOU get counselling for yourself. You have to decide if you want to continue to "service" him when he feels like it, or if you want to refuse to do that for him and live in a sexless marriage......OR tell him you WON'T live in a sexless marriage, and make plans to move on.

How does he treat you OUTSIDE the bedroom? I have a feeling he's just as cold and unfeeling in other areas of your marriage, too. Get some counselling, either for both of you, or for yourself....to help you decide what you want from this marriage, and in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
In reply to: chi_chi
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 4:13pm
I would say ditto and ditto to what the others have said so far. If he won't talk or get counselling, the problem won't get fixed. You then need to decide how you want to live your life. You may find more helpful advice on the mismatched libido board as others there may be faced with similar issues. There are also some articles on iVillage that will help you with some communication techniques and tips. You have been very patient for six years, and I sense bitterness in your post. You are now loosing interest in a sexual relationship with him. Neither of these things will improve if you do not address and fix the situation. Luckily, you have already taken the first leap by posting here. Just follow through and keep pushing until you see some light at the end of the tunnel.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
In reply to: chi_chi
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 1:11am

Thank you all for the responses! For the past two years, we were looking into seeing a marriage counsellor. But we were just working too hard with the business we owned. I have no complains about him but sex. All he thinks is his family. I think he thinks too much about our future. And that's why he is too stressed with attaining his goals. Before we got married, he told me that he is not an affectionate guy. That was fine with me then because I did not realize how bad it is gonna be. He's had so many girlfriends in the past and had massive sex with them. But the last ex-girlfriend before we got married was a victim of rape. He hardly had any sex with her because he had traumatic experience with having sex. All there was between the two of them was love. I guess he got used to the routine.

Yes, we do need to see a counsellor to fix this. I have to make this happen. Thanks a lot for the response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: chi_chi
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:26am

>>But we were just working too hard <<

You've been together for seven years. When is there EVER going to be time?

>>I think he thinks too much about our future. <<

When is the thinking about the future going to catch up with reality? When he started thinking seven years ago, today was the future. Why doesn't he start thinking about the present for a change? Before he knows it you will be old and unhappy and there won't be a future in front of either of you. He will have wasted his life thinking about what could happen rather than what IS happening. Planning for the future is well and good but you have to live in the here and now too. And sex isn't something that you save for a rainy day. It's a very important part of a relationship that needs to be developed and nurtured continuously.

>>He's had so many girlfriends in the past and had massive sex with them.<<

Something doesn't add up for me with that statement. Who said he had massive sex with them? Oh, let me guess. He did. A guy doesn't go around having "massive sex" and then just turn off completely without a very, very, very, very good reason. Having a g/f that was raped is very unlikely to turn him into what he is now. I really doubt that it would ever turn a guy into someone that just lies there and then says insensitive things like he does to you now. Can you imagine how the raped g/f would have reacted to what he says if he said the same things to her? He says HE had a traumatic experience because of it - I can't imagine what it would have been like for that g/f!

If you ask me I think that he has never been interested in sex and is making the whole "raped g/f" and "massive sex" thing up in an effort to provide himself with a cover story that "explains" why he's not interested now.

Get the counselling. I think that he's screwed up and that he knows it, and he's lying to you to give himself a cover story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
In reply to: chi_chi
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 12:54pm
It sounds confusing. I'm not sure, but I think he's playing games with you, I don't think he's in love with you anymore. No ofence, sorry if what I said is hurting you but thats what it sounds like to me.