When is "Cheating" Allowed

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
When is "Cheating" Allowed
6
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 8:50am

I'm new to this board and have a question to ask everyone. I've got a friend - truly, not me - who is in a tough spot. Married 8 years, two kids, wife has no interest in sex. He's horny, adventurous, wants to explore - with her - and she has no desire to be his "partner" in this and ignores his pleas. They've talked, they've had counsiling, but nothing changes. He's now getting sex maybe 3-4 times/year. His wife is a stayathome mom, attractive, educated, very controlling, and has a background in the medical field. She must know, even on a biological level, that a 35yrold man needs sex more often than what she's providing, but she doesn't seem to care. My friend says she's always tired, wants to be wined/dined, kids are around - blah blah blah. He's tried it all, babysitters, vacations, and nothing works, and now he's decided to cheat. He was recently gone for a two week business trip, came home with flowers, and he still hasn't gotten laid. At this point, he's thinking she doesn't love him, but she's hasn't said this. Now, he's found some woman in a chat group in a similar situation and he's to meet her on a business trip tomorrow. He feels guilty about it, would rather not do it, but feels like he's unfairly trapped. He feels "you only live once" and doesn't want to spend his life celebate. Divorce is not an option, yet, as he still hopes his wife will change, but he's tired of waiting for her.

He's asked me what I think, so I'm asking all of you. My feelings are mixed, although I ultimately feel he has a greater obligation to himself and his needs - as long as he can be discreet and safe. I think his wife is failing him, and because of this, he has some "rights" that a normal marriage might not have.

I know folks will say - "talk to her", "seek outside help", "get divorced".... but isn't there a middle area for marriages like this?

Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 9:02am

To me, the only middle ground that could exist is for the two of them to agree that he can gets his needs fulfilled outside of the marriage. Perhaps they could establish boundaries (like no emotional ties) that would work for them. To me, cheating is not the answer. The only time I could consider cheating to be an option is in the event that one partner is terminally ill for a long period of time and there is no possible chance for intimacy between the two partners due to the illness. Even in such a case, I would suggest talking to the partner for your own inner peace. If the partner would be too hurt by the thought, then perhaps it would be justified to cheat in the hopes of not getting caught. At the end of the day a person has to look in the mirror and know that they can be happy with themself.

In the case of your friend, if he was too cheat, his wife may be able to forgive him, he may be able to forgive himself, but there is also the chance that neither of those will happen. I would not want to live my life knowing that I had hurt another person, or that I had cheated on my husband.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 11:25am
Clearly, the man in question isn't his wife's chosen life-partner.
Rather, he is only her servant, at best, and an end to her wishes
for a roof over her head, and food in her gut.
If I was in his shoes, I would immediately file for divorce and
arrange for a better fitting pair.
once.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 12:41pm
Well being married that long with kids, I dunno. I mean she should be making him happy just like how he's making her happy, by bringing her flowers and spending time with her. He's showing her he cares, that he loves her. I'm not saying sex is all of it cause it's not. But it is a part. In this case I wouldn't blame him for cheating, I mean, if his own wife's not giving him any and after being married for 8 years, then why not by all means cheat? *shrug*. OK, thats my opnion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:03pm

Sorry, there's really no "middle ground"! You don't fix a problem by creating another problem! Why is divorce not an option? Finances? Then he cares more about his money than doing the right thing! Children? Children are better off being FROM a broken home than living IN a broken home.

If he's tried everything to fix the situation, and it sounds like he has.....then divorce is really the ONLY option. He knows it's wrong, and unless he's a sociopath, he has a conscience.....and it will eventually drive him crazy. He's liable to hook up with the wrong woman, she'll decide she "wants" him, and contact the wife. WW3 will ensue. Nothing good will come from cheating!

If he wants to do the right thing, he will get a divorce, then he's free to go out and get all the sex he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 4:57pm
Perhaps he needs to just lay it on the line for her and let her decide what she wants to do. There are people who stay living in the same house and continue raising their children together even though the marriage itself is pretty much over. Assuming she's willing, they could just basically become roommates and have an open marriage. The advantages to that situation are that she continues to be supported financially, and he continues to have daily access to the children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 5:31pm
Cheating is *NEVER* okay within a marriage in my opinion. What about the vows that were taken for their marriage? There are children involved as well. This husband needs to confront his wife about his needs once and for all. If she is *that* selfish and inconsiderate to his needs, then he will need to decide if this is how he wants to spend the rest of his life. What is going on in her life that is causing this lack of desire?? Is she depressed, post-partum possibly....all this most be worked out because this guy is in a committed relationship and has a family to think about....not just himself. His wife deserves to know what is going on in his head before he commits adultery....it is deceitful and wrong for him to go ahead and cheat without speaking to his wife about his intentions. I hope he does the right thing, not only for himself, but for the sake of his wife and family.