self-conscious stops me from doing it

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
self-conscious stops me from doing it
4
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 7:10pm

we all know how the American society has been brainwashed with the concept of "perfection". That sexyness and being hot usually is found within 'skinny, hair -blowing large bossom babes' - so it makes the rest of us feel lousy about ourselves.

what I would like to know is how many guys out there honestly truly look for that type of a women? How many guys find women like Queen Latifah fat and ugly or sexy?

If I had to compare myself to a movie-star, i'd fit closer to a Queen Latifah than a Paris Hilton.

This definitely doesn't give me the self-confidence I need to be with a guy - naked.

It took me so long to feel comfortable enough with my first bf to be completely naked in front of him and to have sex with him while there was a light source.

Now I am with my second bf and i'm back to the same self-confidence issues. Even though I know that several of his ex's had the same body type as I do, I am still uncomfortable being naked around him because I don't feel attractive - I feel like I'd be laughed at or scringed at if anyone saw me naked.

This then leads to me not wanting to have sex with him - and if i do get to that stage, I definitely am self-conscious where I don't want lights on or I don't want to explore new techniques. I know I could be a very sexual person but this stops me.

I don't feel sexy enough to do anything - I feel like if i wore a sexy outfit or acted sexual in anyway, he'd be more disgusted than pleased.

I guess it's in my head because I'm sure he can tell by looking at me what I might look like naked and if he didn't like what he pictured, he wouldn't tell me he wants to see me naked - right?

I just feel like I can never be sexy to a man. Even if he tells me he wants to see me naked, I just feel like he really doesn't know what he's in for! haha

I'd like to know - what percent of men actually don't really care what the women looks like after awhile? If he likes you and finds you initially attractive, does it matter anymore whether you weigh 100, 200, 300 lbs?

I just feel like no matter how many guys tell me I look sexy, I never will believe it - fat women cant be sexy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 11:17pm

>>How many guys find women like Queen Latifah fat and ugly or sexy?<<

Well, there must be quite a few that think that she's sexy or she would never have gotten as far with her career as she has. Music industry is notorious for wanting perfection in everything but singing voice. I have heard straight from one big player in the industry that he looks for 20-24yo, has the "look" and doesn't matter too much if they haven't got the greatest voice (technology can fix that, you know). So she must have something going for her because there are quite literally thousands of other women that could do what she does with her music and/or acting.

But at the same time, realise that she too is presenting a well groomed image. She's always immaculately presented (if I recall correctly) and well presented is invariably "sexier" than looking like a slob. Even skinny girls look better if they are well presented.

Sexy really is a lot about presentation and attitude. Yes, body size can factor into it a lot. There is no doubting that. Obese is not generally sexy. But it's not usually too difficult for most of us to stay away from the obese end of the scale if it matters that much to us.

>>I'd like to know - what percent of men actually don't really care what the women looks like after awhile?<<

I would think that it is very low. Most men want their women to remain looking good. But what is good in their eyes is not what you think. You admit yourself that your point of view is skewed.

The problem is that you want an answer from other people. But the problem comes from within you. No matter what we say, we won't change what's inside you. That's an attitude and adjustment in perception that you alone need to make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 12:22am

You're right! You will never be sexy to a man.......because you can't be "sexy" unless you feel that you're sexy. Sexy comes from within. If you think you are, then you will be. There is nothing sexy to a man about a woman who won't let him see her body. There is nothing sexy to a man about a woman who won't make love with a light on (and that sure cuts down on daytime sex!).

Do you honestly think that Queen Latifah thinks of herself as a fat sexless slob? Of course she doesn't. She knows exactly what she is.....a queen sized woman that is beautiful and sexy as hell!

The American society has only brainwashed the insecure. People who like themselves aren't brainwashed. If all "imperfect" women were banished from society, there'd only be men left! NO ONE is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Even Playboy models (who are NOT size OOO) have to be airbrushed to cover flaws like scars, moles, and even cellulite!

If you aren't convinced that your b/f loves you for WHO you are.....as opposed to what you look like, then you don't have much faith in your b/f! If you think that when you're ready to have sex with a man that he's inspecting your body, looking for imperfections, you are sadly mistaken. We all have them, and they don't see them, and they don't CARE about them. But, if a man is attracted to you, unless he's blind, he can tell pretty much what your body looks like, and if he didn't like what he saw, he wouldn't have bothered getting to know you. If you are obviously "overweight"......you CAN lose that weight. But if you do, you lose it to please yourself, not some man!

You'll only be comfortable in your body when you learn to LOVE your body, and yourself. Who would want to be Paris Hilton ANYWAY? YUK!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 11:06am

Fat women can be sexy! To be sexy, a woman needs to be confident -- that's the ONLY secret.

Not having confidence in your "sexiness" is the only killer. You may not look like Paris Hilton, but not every guy wants to be with Paris Hilton. Almost every person on earth has a body issue -- small breasts, bad teeth, big butt, fat thighs, surgery scars -- you name it, they all exist. If a man wants to get naked with you, you are sexy to him. Realizing that, enjoying it and feeling sexy for him just makes it all better. You keep telling him that you don't feel good about yourself, and he might start believing there is something wrong with you!

In a recent article I read, it said that guys are attracted to woman when they think that woman will sleep with them. Men are attracted to woman with a nice smile, because they think that smiling woman might sleep with them. And, you're right -- they are visual creatures. If they like your looks with clothes on, and they want to see you naked, it's only because they know it's gonna be even better. It's the difference between drooling over the candy and getting to taste the candy.

I'm living the path of the Queen too as I am plus size. I wasn't small when I married my husband, and have grown over the years. To quote him, "I'm the sexiest woman he has ever known". He helps build my confidence, but I already knew I was sexy. Dressing sexy, feeling sexy, acting sexy -- it all feeds into the confidence and pleasure of being sexy.

You may feel "shy" when you are discovering your partner, but having confidence in yourself will allow you to trust your partner. Find yourself some feel good articles and learn how to appreciate yourself.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 3:14pm

Sit out on your porch on a warm summer night and watch the couples out walking. You will see all types. Many times you scratch your head and wonder how a particular couple got together. He/she may look like they can have most anyone and the other looks rather plain. There is more to it than just looks.

Look back on what was sexy. Marilyn Monroe was a sex symbol but by todays standard she would be fat. To me Queen Latifah is a nice looking woman and I think many men if they are honest would say the same thing.

Bigger women can be sexy and skinny women can be ugly. Much of it is the total package and the woman's confidence. Obvisousily if you met recently he was attracted to you at your current weight and appearance. Take solace in that and have confidence in your appearance. The next step is finding out what her likes. Get lingerie that is appropriate to your body. I thought it was funny that Layne Branyt was the advertising banner when I started reading this tread.

When is comes to the bedroom have condfidence. Use candles or soft lighting to make yourself feel comfortable. You dont have to dance around like a stripper but let him see your body. I think that not letting him see you have confidence in yourself is more harmfull that what your imaginations are. Oh, I have shopped at Lane Branyt for my wife.