What do I do with my horny self?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
What do I do with my horny self?!
14
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 10:48pm

Haven't been on here in years, but anyway...

I've only ever known casual sex. And I have recently (about 6 months ago) sworn off of it, because I was tired of selfish men and lying men and cheating men. Mostly men who were selfish in bed. I'm looking into dating for the first time in my life (I'm in my mid-20s) but know that I will have a hard time of it...for many reasons. I would list them, but I'll spare you.

A major reason is my sex drive. I'm horny as hell! And I don't know what to do anymore. I'm doing the solo twice a day, and at work I'm thinking about sex, and a few days ago,I just saw the guy I last ended with and it was like - DAMN! @*%#! I'm not religious, but I was praying to God to give me the strength not to jump him, lol.

And I'm not going to just date any random guy. I want to date a guy worth getting to know. But even if and when I start seeing a guy, how do I wait? It may seem funny, but I honestly do not know this concept.

I was going to post this on a singles message board, but I thought maybe this board would be more insightful.

I really just don't know what to do. Is this like the withdrawal that people who do drugs sort of go through? 'Cause if it is, oh %#@*, just shoot me now.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 12:31am

Maybe you need to learn to focus on the correct things.......like how to find a decent man, rather than how to get just ANY man into bed with you. If you're doing nothing but pleasuring yourself, thinking about nothing but how and where to get sex, then you have a problem.....and maybe you need professional help with it. There are professionals who treat sex addiction, which you might have.

If you've never had anything but casual sex with liars, cheaters, and losers, then you've never really had good satisfying sex. Sex without feelings is like going to the gym for a workout....you're tired when you're thru, but you're not smiling!

You really need to get your priorities straight. Sex isn't necessary to life, and you wouldn't die if you never had sex again. A good relationship isn't really necessary to life either, but it makes life good in many ways beyond sex.....and it makes sex better than casual sex will ever be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 10:47am

You can have casual sex and accidentally fall in love, but you're not likely to find a satisfying relationship if you feel such bitterness toward men!

"I've only ever known casual sex. And I have recently (about 6 months ago) sworn off of it, because I was tired of selfish men and lying men and cheating men. Mostly men who were selfish in bed."

So, are these men making you sexual promises and then not living up to them, or are they making you emotional promises and then not living up to them? Perhaps you are perceiving things that have not been promised on either account. Even for casual sex to be consistently good, there needs to be a commitment. It's okay to say we are both here for pleasure, like Friends With Benefits, but if there are no feelings, why should he feel a need to satisfy you in bed? While guys can be selfish in bed, that doesn't mean a woman can't take over the driver's seat and change that. If you are having casual sex, how can he be cheating on you?

Personally, I think very few people can actually actively seek a partner on their own. Most people stumble upon relationships more than plan them, unless you are planning to use a dating service. If you want a serious relationship and a great guy, and want to wait for sex to be sure those criteria are met, then you just have to wait! You can take care of yourself more, you can build up excitement in waiting, you can be intimate with him in different ways. Waiting and having sex later doesn't guarantee that he won't be a selfish lover. Even in a healthy, loving, mutually satisfying relationship, sex is not always great from the get-go. Part of developing and nurturing that relationship makes sex better (even great sex gets better). Before you can find a relationship that you can develop and nurture, you have to let go of your negative feelings about men.

Seems you like sex but can't control yourself. You want casual sex but feel let down by it (or feel guilty for having it). First, you have to determine what is truly going on with you and be healthy in your attitude. If you can't set boundaries for yourself and live by them, then you are showing that you don't respect yourself. Others who sense that you don't respect yourself will not respect you either. Someone who doesn't respect you can't satisfy you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 6:42pm

I didn't want to make my original post long, but I guess I have to elaborate because I feel like my original post was misunderstood.

I didn't mean to say that men cheated on me; they were cheating on girlfriends or wives with me, and neglecting to say anything until after we had done the deed. So no, I was not looking for emotional anything. I wanted to sex, but not like in the name of deceiting others, you know?

And I'm remembering now why I left the boards years ago. There is still this double standard that goes on. I must not 'respect myself' because I wanted casual sex. Or that i shouldn't expect a man who does not have an emotional connection with me to want to please me. It doesn't make sense. This is also why I stopped having casual sex because men seem to have the same 'double-standard' thinking, and it was frustrating. And unfair. And I shouldn't have to 'save myself' just to...ugh! What can I say... it's still a man's world. And it sucks to be me.

On the issue of sex addiction, the thought has crossed my mind. But it's not like I'm obssessed to the point where I'm sleeping with a different person every day or every week and would do anything for it. Or looking up internet porn instead of going to work. I'm pretty sure that it's just a high sex drive.

I have a sex drive without the available outlets that men have at their disposal. Our culture regarding sexuality is still male-centered and it's just hard to deal with. Really hard to deal with.

I was hoping that there was someone who could relate, but...now I remember that there usually wasn't on here.

I (kind of) wish that I hadn't gone out and sought out sex. I was naive enough to think that things had changed and that if I wanted something causal that it would be okay. I'd please him and he would please me and it'd be all good. But that was rare. 'He' would tend to think Woman wanting causal sex = Woman who does not respect herself = I do not have to respect her = I do not need to please her. I mean, is there anybody out there who thinks Man wanting casual sex = Man who does not respect himself? AND, let's say for the sake of argument that he DIDN'T respect himself, would that mean that he does not deserve to be pleased? I don't think so, but apparently I'm a rare breed. God forbid that there be such thing as respect and equality.

Okay, now I'm ranting. Sorry. I'm just disappointed. I do appreciate your responses, and I do welcome others. I just always feel so alone in how I'm feeling. And this bitter resentment does affect how I view men and is a large part in why I have refused to date them ( I tend to like the company of women more - which leads to another issue, but I'll spare you). I'm bitter, resentful, and kind of jealous. I hate feeling less entitled to something just because I'm a woman.

I need some chocolate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 7:48pm

Sorry to say, but if you feel less entitled that is a trap you are setting for yourself and is not a double standard or a mans fault! I have had casual sex in my life and I have had committed relationships in my life. It's me, I'm responsible for my sexual happiness. I'm not sure why you think men have more outlets to get satisfaction, that is simply not true. Their parts are on the outside and easier to get to, and most men can orgasm easier than most women can. The key there is MOST. While I sometimes can't get my head in the right place, I usually can control my own orgasm. So, I'm not sure why you are blaming that on the man or why you feel like they have better options.

If you are getting involved with men that are otherwise committed, you are making bad choices there. There is a difference between casual sex and careless endangerment! That goes both ways -- there is no double standard there either.

The one thing that you are missing by living this way is for the opportunity to grow, sexually speaking. I have had some seriously hot sexual encounters in my life, and I have always loved sex since my first encounter, but what you get with a committed relationship goes into a whole new realm and continues to grown and develop. Finding that person is not necessarily easy and nurturing the relationship takes work, HARD WORK, on both parts. To use a comparison, casual sex is like getting a great deal at your local discount store, sex within a committed relationship is like paying full price in a store you can't afford to shop in -- it is the ultimate.

You say:

"I have a sex drive without the available outlets that men have at their disposal. Our culture regarding sexuality is still male-centered and it's just hard to deal with. Really hard to deal with."

Okay, I'm in my mid-40's, but I have seen some AMAZING strides in human sexuality in just the past 10 - 15 years! HELLO, vibrating penis rings, stores full of sex toys, on-line partner shopping and home parties for ladies (gee, Tupperware should have thought of that!). If you are having a hard time dealing with the male-centered culture, you probably need to look across the street. Women who want to have sex are highly sought, so I can only conclude that you are looking in the wrong places. Even TV shows promote womens sexual health, so I'm just not going to agree with the double standard that you feel exists.

If you feel it's some sort of judgment or double standard to talk about respecting yourself, then you are missing something. If you are having casual sex with men, and they are not helping you achieve satisfaction, then you are doing something that doesn't work for you. Many men can do the wham, bam, thank you ma'am, but most men also want better sex than that. So, I won't say it's a respect issue, but there is something that you are missing based on your reports of how it's working out.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 10:54pm

I'm very discouraged, but I'm still young. I can only hope things can get better. I don't bring this on myself. i don't purposely go looking for men already in relationships. i don't ask men not to go down on me. I'm not sure why my experiences with men are not believable. And I meant male-centred in other ways (socially, politically). And where am I supposed to be looking for men who want to please me? Are they wearing a sign that I'm not aware of? I don't know... I used to think it was an aura thing - you know, if I think men are dogs then I'l attract men who are dogs. But I go into each encounter optimistic and excited, but then it's the same unsatisfying end result. And i try to stay positive and i try to be proactive when I'm with a guy. Nothing changes.

I don't know what to do with myself. I asked because i don't want to go back to the casual sex - which is usually what happens. I was hoping somebody had some advice or similar experiences...'cause I really don't know what to do. I don't even know if there is an answer. If I'm not dating, and I'm not having sex with anyone, then I can only do what I'm doing now I guess. A lot of unsatisfying masturbation.

I just want a good time. Apparently i'm not worthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:07am

If you don't want suggestions, why are you asking? Several people have touched on the same issues.....you deny them. This isn't about "entitlement", this is about you, and your lack of judgement in your choices....and guess where that comes from? You said it yourself: "I just want a good time. Apparently i'm not worthy." When you feel you're not worthy, YOU are the one wearing the sign! It shows, and the kind of men you end up with ARE seeing the sign, which is why they choose you! When you start feeling that you ARE worthy, you'll attract worthy men.

You ask: "And where am I supposed to be looking for men who want to please me?" Who want to please YOU? How about looking for a man that's single (which you find out before you "do the deed"), someone who you feel YOU'd like to please. There are plenty of men out there who are looking for casual sex....but they can also be decent men who just aren't ready for a serious relationship, but they still want to be with someone who's company they enjoy, who they ARE willing to please, but they also expect some pleasure in return.

First you admit that you feel you're not worthy, but at the same time, you seem to feel men should be falling at your feet! If you learn to respect yourself, you'll get respect in return, and probably even more.

You do need professional help......to find out why you dislike yourself so much, why you pick loser men, and then blame them for not pleasing you. It's called self-respect, and you need some help to find it. Once you learn to love and respect yourself, your life will change for the better. If you continue on the path you're on now, you'll wind up bitter and alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:51am

Frankly I don't think that there is a terrible double-standard - at least to the degree that you think that there is.

Casual sex usually *is* unfulfilling. Yeah, I guess that men have it a bit better because on average, I'd say that they are more likely to hook up with a woman that wants good sex and works at it; whereas a woman would probably find most men more interested in "wham-bam, thank-you-'mam" kinda thing. But other than that, there are plenty of times I've had casual sex and she won't go down or she won't do this or she won't do that. It can leave you emotionally unfulfilled on a regular basis. But I think that a big part of that is that it takes a relationship or the desire to have something more than a get-your-rocks-off-session to make sex really good. And unfortunately if you want casual sex then you're probably with a guy that wants casual sex and a quick orgasm. Most guys find a BJ and some intercourse to be satisfying for them. There is no motivation to spend time having "great sex". They're not going to spend ages trying to satisfy a woman if they know it's only a casual one-off thing and can get their orgasm.

>>And i try to stay positive and i try to be proactive when I'm with a guy. Nothing changes.<<

I hate to say it but the only common factor is you in all this. There are plenty of people that meet men and have good sex in between the bad times. But you seem to be consistently doing something wrong.

Added: One other thing, if you are so horny that you can't wait to jump a guy then that indicates that you want fast, quick sex. A guy is going to go for the quick orgasm in that situation. Can't have good sex if everyone is racing for the finish line. Maybe you *should* take some more time to develop a "relationship" of sorts before jumping him?




Edited 2/22/2007 2:53 am ET by westridge2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 6:42pm
I have gone without sex for five years, since my husband of 24 years died. I don't even know how to approach it. My main concern is is there a health issues when you have gone so long without, and what can I expect once it happens, any suggestions, ideas thoughts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 7:12pm

Welcome to the board widowedmel26. I'm the cl-misty_mae here, and I am also member hunt4o.

I don't think there are any health issues directly related to not having sex for such a period of time. Do you have any health issues that you think could cause a problem for you? If so, you may want to talk to your doctor. Otherwise, I think you can expect those familiar (and wonderful) feelings to come back to you rather quickly.

Of course, some things have changed since you were first married. You do need to know if your partner has any sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and to protect yourself in the event that he does. If that is a possibility, you may want to have some condoms on hand.

Feel free to start new threads on this board if you need advice, and let us know how you're doing.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 9:54am
Thanks for the advise. I have no health issues, my thinking was like any muscle not used over a period of time, the lack elasticity and it often takes time for the muscle to regain strenght..make sense??? My concern iswhat can I expect considering the lack of use of the muscle. I am recentely involved with someone while I expect the desire and feelings to be there I am wondering what I should expect considering its been five long years.

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