he can't make love to me-IMPORTANT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2005
he can't make love to me-IMPORTANT!
4
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 1:59am

ok my partner- he's 40 and i'm 27 yrs. of age. we've been together for 2 yrs. and have a 6 month old that my mum is taking care of for the moment. we've had many, many severe problems due to his past issues-he is on methadone for past drug use (but not really past) and methadone is known to cause low libido and erection problems sometimes for men who are on high doses. well he is not on a high dose but he takes other things that throw his body out of wack. things like anti-anxietys (mild tranquilizers) mostly, sometimes prescription speed and i believe all of these things have a major effect on his sex drive yet we've had incredible love-the best ever for both of us even when he was using off and on for days. yes the couple of days when he doesn't use drugs it does help but this problem seems like there is no answer to it but to leave him.

he has caused extreme turmoil in our life together like you wouldn't believe which i believe is all due to his past issues, denial in life, leads to drug use, and i'm pretty sure psychological problems. but even through all that he tries (not hard enough)and we'll kiss and make up and everything will get better but there still really is no pattern in his love making.

now the most hugest thing that makes me not only furious but messed up in the head and also hormonal problems. i have problems sometimes getting my libido up, so i work really hard as hell @ it and use most of my energy up doing this. we feel eachothers (what we call funny feeling) @ the exact same time but when he gets me all hot & bothered and i'm actually going to attempt @ making love w/him he loses his erection and i'm left out in the cold feeling like i could puke because my insides are contracting almost ready to climax and it can't cuz he goes down and then gets so miserable about it and then i lose my desire. he is sensitive to my needs but @ the same time isn't because he does all these things that could possibly be affecting his drive.

i'm almost positive that its mainly a psychological thing though because when i'm not around or sleeping (which sounds horrible) he gets and stays erect and i believe he could orgasm if he tried but he can't masturbate because he loves me too much and he said (and he is speaking the truth not just saying this to make me feel better) that he could try masturbating but it doesn't make him feel good @ all like the way i do. now thats sweet and everything and he shows distress and extreme caring because i'm extrenly frustrated but @ the same time i really am not sure (if it is psychological) what could be causing him to lose he erection and then desire.

all day long he hounds me, grabbing me, begging me to make love to him, and on top of that he has these huge, long time erections until we actually make love! this is the last thing that i told myself that if the sex went i'm done and cannot stick around any longer after all the hell he has put me through.

i'm sorry this post is so long but its sooooo important that somebody help me by thinking hard about it and respond to me. PLEASE I"M BEGGING YOU! what do u think this is really?

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:34am

Look, you've pretty well answered your own question: "what do u think this is really?"

It's about a guy that's probably had a whole lifetime of drug abuse finding out that it's screwed him up big time. His body and mind has been abused with drugs for years and he's still on a bizarre cocktail of drugs that is still throwing him and his body for a loop. You can't really expect to be able to deal effectively with this while he is full of drugs. Maybe if he gets off the drugs completely and his body has a chance to recover for a while, you might have a chance at having a decent sex life? But until then there is no use wondering how or what you can do about the sex. There are just too many things going on to make any sense of it. Any one of the drugs he is taking can cause problems, and he takes several different kinds at different times.... and you mention his mental state. Who knows what damage has been done to his mind? He may never recover completely.

If I was you, I wouldn't have gotten involved with someone with his issues in the first place. But, hey, I'm not you and it's done now. About the only thing that you can do is support him and encourage him to get off the drugs for himself first, then for you and his family. Encourage him to get the counselling that goes with methadone, and see what happens. Unfortunately he is the only one that can *really* get himself off the drugs and in the end he may not be able to do it. That's when YOU have to make the decision about what you are doing for you and your baby's sake. You don't have to continue to feel guilty because you are involved with someone addicted to drugs. Sometimes you cant save everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:41am

It's interesting that you will stay with him through all the "hell" and only set a boundary to leave if the sex goes! Personally, I wouldn't still be around to care about his sex drive. Really, if you can't think of yourself, what about your baby? From what you have written I would suspect that his medications combined with drug use have done him in (probably in more areas than just sex drive). Let's assume there is no drug issue, he could have anxiety about the fact that he can't keep his erection -- which can cause him to loose his erection. It becomes a cycle that he has to work through mentally. While there are medications that can help him with ED, I'm not sure that it would be healthy to add to his mix of cocktails at this point. Has he tried talking to his doctor about the problem?

There are also other loving sexual acts that you can share together, like mutual masturbation and oral sex, adding toys to your play time, all of these can lead to satisfying orgasms for both of you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 10:01am

The man is a drug addict with additional psychological problems. Your association with him is giving you your own emotional problems (lost libido). You've got a baby that you're not even capable of caring for.

Unless you're a certified drug counsellor and a psychologist, there is NOTHING you can do to fix this man. He is what he is because he wants to be that way. No miracle is going to come along and make him into Prince Charming. He's dragging you down with him, and you need some counselling to find out why you're allowing yourself to stay in this toxic relationship.

You need to get this man out of your life. You have a child to take care of, you don't need a screwed up drug addict to take care of.

With everything else going on in your life, why are you worried about sex problems, his OR yours? That is your LEAST important concern! Get him out of your life, and get your own life on the right track, so that you child can have at least ONE parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 10:51am

This man is abusing you. Mentally & emotionally. He is acting this way because this type of behavior is in his "comfort zone." You have allowed him to treat you like trash for a very long time....and it works for him! Why would he want to change? You need to get the heck out.

It is a blessing that your mom is raising your 6 month old, because this would be considered child abuse if the baby was exposed to this man's bahavior.