fiance is too insecure

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
fiance is too insecure
3
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 5:41pm

Hi everyone,

I'd like some advice/opinions from a female perspective.

First a quick history:

A few years ago me and my married best friend fell in love, and began a long distance affair. She soon decided to leave her husband, who had all but destroyed her self esteem. We continued dating for two more years, have recently become engaged, and are planning to live together soon. We have a great relationship. We talk openly, we have a long friendship to build on, we trust each other, our sex life is great and we've never had a serious fight. We almost never argue. She is truely the love of my life, and I'm sure she feels the same about me.

My problem is this: my fiancee is very insecure. Her ex-husband was forever putting her down and saying hurtful things, and now when it comes to relationships her self confidence is shot. I am always (sincerely) telling her how much I love her, how beautiful she is, how sexy I find her etc...I treat her well, I respect her, I never put her down, I bring her flowers and gifts and lavish attention on her. But still she is really insecure. Whenever I mention that we need to talk about something, she immediately assumes I'm about to break up with her. She gets really nervous whenever she meets any of my friends and family because she's convinced she's not good enough for me.

If I try to talk about this with her, then she worries her insecurities will drive me away! I adore her and will never leave her, so how do I make her see it? I thought once we were engaged she'd see my commitment and her fears would go away, but they haven't.

It doesn't help that she's seen photos of my ex-girlfriend, who was ten years younger and a part time model. I have no feelings for my ex at all, I never mention her or think about her, and I am far more attracted to my fiancee than I ever was to my ex, but I'm sure that's part of the reason for her insecurities.

How do I help her overcome this? I don't want the love of my life to be constantly worried that I'll leave her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 6:31pm
Hi, I think that this is something she needs to work through herself. The things you do for her are great and you shouldn't stop doing them, but doing and saying these things are not going to magically make all her insecurities go away. It took years for him or whoever to make her think these things about herself and it could very well take years for her to overcome it. She may even need help from a doctor. She Will need you through the process and will need to know you will stand by her every step of the way. She will never be truly happy until she is at peace with herself.
Hope this helps and I hope she can overcome this.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 11:36pm
well I have similar feelings about my boyfriend that your girlfriend seems to have. So my guess is if you tell her exactly what you wrote here, about how you'll never leave her & don't want her to feel insecure but that you understand where she's coming from with that - just everything you said, it might help. I know I'd want to hear that from my boyfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:35pm

I agree that, like some many things involving relationships, this is just going to take time. It sounds like reassuring her is not doing you any good, but I bet with time she will learn to trust that you will always be with her.

Maybe set a time to where if it is no better you should seek counseling, but you want to be careful to be delicate with bringing that up so you don't make her more insecure.