Sex only relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Sex only relationship
6
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 6:40pm

I'm in love. He's in love. We cannot maintain a relationship, because we are both too selfish, and want it all our way. We cannot compromise. We've tried everything to make it work. We were about to give up for good. We do not live together, btw.

So today, I decided that we would skip all the relationship crap and just have sex...great sex, mind you. Before, the sex was great, but because we were so busy trying to have a relationship in addition to two high pressure jobs, and other obligations, we didn't really take time to make it all it should be. Foreplay took a back seat to sleep many times, so now I'm thinking we'll be more intimate than we ever were, because we can actually take the time to please each other.

It might not work, we'll see. It's just trying to keep what's good and what will work for both of us right now, instead of throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 11:55pm

This makes absolutely NO sense. You can't maintain a relationship...so why would you TRY to maintain sex? If you were too busy and stressed to make a relationship work, and too busy and tired to even have foreplay.....what has changed? Are you not still busy and stressed, and now that you have given up on the relationship, you think the sex will be great? Boy, are you fooling yourself!

If a relationship isn't working, you're right. You give up and end it. So what sense does it make to even try to have sex with someone who's not worth trying to maintain a relationship with? If it's over, it's over. You both need to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 3:43am
You have to ask yourself how you will feel when one of you starts a new relationship. I will be honest, it could work out for a while, but it's hard to see it ending good and you might lose a friendship forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 7:40am

If you were both really in love, then compromising would not be a hard thing to do and neither would making a relationship work.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 8:28am

Wow! There seem to be some really judgmental and mean spirited people here! I'll speak from the other side. I've had a "friends with benefits" relationship with a former BF before. Like you, our personalities clashed when trying to deal the intricacies of a relationship, from "what are we doing this weekend" to "what do you want to eat". We had an extremely strong pull in bed, though.

You have to go into it with the mindset that this isn't going to fix things, and that one of you will eventually find someone you can have everything with, and it will end. If you're o.k. with that, it might work for awhile. Mine worked for two years, while I was in school, working, and just needed a release once in awhile. We had an agreement that we wouldn't have sex with anyone else, but neither of us kept tabs on the other. I kept our agreement, but I don't know to this day if he did, and we definitely used protection just in case.

So yes, it can work short term. And yes, you can remain friends afterwards. He's still my best friend, even though we've both moved on to other relationships that actually work for us. The four of us even get together sometimes for social occasions.

But remember, you have to keep your heart out of it. By the time we started this, we had both fallen out of love with the other, but still cared. Just not in a "I wanna marry you" way. Jealousy will spoil it on either side.

I disagree that it's immature. You have to be very mature to handle a relationship like this. What's immature is staying in a relationship and trying to fix it just because of some social mores about trying to work things out. Some people have their morality stuck in the Bible or stuck in the fifties. This is 2007, and this kind of relationship isn't that uncommon anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:34pm

I'm right there with you.

I do think the original post came off as a little cynical, with the "relationship crap" reference, although I can see the irony in it, and I don't think it's really a knock on "real" relationships.

But really, if two people want to have a relationship that is centered on sex, IMO it is their business, as long as both parties are open and honest about it.

Of course I am a little biased, since I am currently in a sex only relationship. We both know it, and I sense mutual respect between us. Not sure if it will go long-term, since I figure if we start spending all of our time together, neither one of us will have any other life.

I'm busy raising kids, working, trying to keep a house in order, but I can't be "mom" all the time, I have needs like any human. I just don't want to be in a committed relationship for a while...I still have some scars from a divorce, and I've already tried the relationship on the rebound. Who does it benefit for one or more of us to fool ourselves into being in love just to get what we desire? Not saying I can't be in love, but I'm in a unique position in my life...I'm still relatively young, and I would like to have some fun, when my kids are with their dad.

Sorry if I sound selfish, it's just how my life (and others') are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 6:30pm

Some people are better built for this than are others, and can maintain this kind of relationship and make it work. Everyone has a basic need for sex. But it is often our other needs--love, understanding, caring, support, companionship and nurturing--that determine how truly intimate our relationships can be.

Therefore, how both of you are built, and what your individual needs are in a relationship, will determine whether this will or will not work for you. Good luck finding what you are looking for.