Is having sex special any more?
Find a Conversation
Is having sex special any more?
| Sat, 03-10-2007 - 3:21pm |
In discussions about affairs most women seem to feel more betrayed about an emotional affair than a sexual one. Generations since the 80s seem to see hooking up for sex like its no big deal according to recent books coming out. Have we come to the point that it is just expected that the only thing that can be looked for in a partner is one that is STD free and that most guys and girls will have been with 50 plus sex partners by the time they are in their mid 20s.

I agree with you. Sometimes I think that sex is just a physical "exercise", and there's very little MEANING to it anymore. How often we see here: "I met him in a bar and went home with him....I don't ever do that, but I was drunk"! That sex is so special they don't even remember it probably.
I guess it's just part of getting older.....and times changing. But, when I was a teen, we didn't jump into bed with every guy that asked us, and oral sex didn't even come into the picture until after you were married. Now, oral sex is what kissing used to be. Twelve year old girls are giving boys oral sex in the hallways at school! By the time these kids are adults, and truly understand what sex is all about, they'll be so jaded it's pathetic. I think it was much better when it was "saved" for someone special.
We didn't move in with each other within a few months of meeting. People actually got married before they had babies! We didn't live together for 10 years, have a couple of kids and call each other Fiance and Fiancee, which implies marriage in the forseeable future! NOT!
That's when sex was special.
I'm going to respond to this from a semantical perspective. 'Having sex' means nothing more than that, animals engaging in coitus or other forms of sexual interplay, whether for purposes of procreation or not. Whether it is 'special,' 'routine,' or whatever term you'd like to apply to it has little to do with the act and everything to do with the view one takes of it.
Making love, however, is something unique to human beings, and is more than the simple act of engaging in sex. In my opinion, few young people are capable of making love simply because making love requires more than hormones and genitals. It also requires emotional maturity.
It's clear that as time passes, social mores seem to become more lax, and behavior that was shunned upon by previous generations becomes more acceptable to the contemporary young generation. I'm not certain what the significance of a high school aged girl giving a blow-job to one of her male peers in the hallway signifies. But my guess is that it has little to do with sex or intimacy, and a lot more to do with social status--like the wheels one drives to school.
As always, the parental example must lead the way in helping to shape young people's personal views about sex and intimacy.
On young girls giving boys oral sex (in last post) ...
That is true. But more amazing to me is how many otherwise intelligent young ladies (teens and a little older) say: "GIVING HEAD is NOT SEX!!!"
The don't just say it.
The really BELIEVE IT!
They will argue with you about it!
And they then practice it and believe they are not having sex!!!
ABSURD, of course. But true.
Now I dont want to go into politics but ...
PRESIDENT CLINTION SAID: "I did NOT have sex with (Monica Lewinski)!"
Under oath later he tried to get around the LIE by saying he did not consider oral sex to be sex! (Note: he also inserted cigars into her vagina and while he did not expressly say so, apparently he had to rationalize that also was not sex, since it was NOT his penis).
So, the kids today have run with that notion .. "oral sex is not sex"
RON
50+ partners is a scary number. If those are statistics, I wonder in how many incidents either group sex or only oral sex is included.
I do feel there is a difference between sex and making love. Making love is what requires the "specialness" that I think you are looking for. That depends on how you feel about your partner. Many changes have happened, sexually, since I was a teen, some has been for the better. I think there has been a huge shift of realizing the womans needs and also in talking openly about sex. When I was a teen, people didn't mention womens orgasms, g-spot orgasms, clitoral orgasms, etc. There were women who liked sex, and women who didn't -- my suspicion is that those that didn't like sex where those that had low libidos and/or those that didn't experience orgasms. I think woman are making a statement about being sexually equal to men.
I also think parents of teens are in a tough place. When I was a teen, there was no aids, STD's weren't widespread (or at least they were not talked about much), and the warnings against sex were about pregnancy. I think in the process of trying to educate people about STD's, the concentration on safe sex also meant alternative sex.
As a result of both of these changes -- widespread STD's and the concentration on the woman's pleasure during sex -- I think oral sex has become commonplace. People began talking about oral sex as one of the forms of alternative sex that could still spread STD's. While people had oral sex before, it wasn't talked about so much as a separate act. Also, oral sex is well known as a primary way for a woman to reach orgasm, it has become more talked about in support of "female equality" in relation to sexual satisfaction.
I think it has been long assumed that men can enjoy sex for sex -- no strings attached, no emotional connection. If a "girl" did that, she was thought of badly for it. But in the quiet world of sex, people didn't talk about women being satisfied sexually either. Now we all talk about women enjoying sex, wanting to be satisfied, and women feel more comfortable exercising their right to enjoyment.
I also think the average age of marriage has changed. The older you are when you marry, the more likely it is that you have experienced more sexually. The divorce rate has gone up, and more people choose to live together. It all changes the mentality. If you are not going to 'save yourself for marriage' then some of the 'specialness' associated with sex is already missing. The generation that is raising kids today were more sexually promiscuous than their parents (in theory), and teach their children differently about sex. It's very difficult to teach your child to safe themselves for marriage (or the special person) when you had multiple partners yourself prior to marriage. It's also unrealistic to teach your child only this when it is much more important to teach them how to survive their sexual choices. I now have to teach my children that "meaningful, emotional sex" is the ultimate....and I have to teach them how to stay alive, so there is much more talk about sex (and sex acts) in my house than there was in the house that I grew up in.
Edited 3/11/2007 10:12 am ET by hunt4o
When I was 38 (18 years ago) I started dating a woman 12 years my senior. She told me once that the sexual "revolution" was a myth. She said that she wasn't from a fast crowd, but that by the age of 16 or 17 she was the only virgin left in her group of friends. She finally decided to have IC on a date in his car, not because he was a BF or because of any emotional attachment, but because she was curious and ready for sex...and she never regretted it. It was just time to get laid.
Greg
I know I'm probably in the minority in my generation, but I think oral sex is sex and I'm 22. Granted I've only had, like, three partners by that definition, but whatever. :)
I do think times have changed, but I also think that the hyper-sexual 12 year olds (where was I when this was going on??) and whatnot are just the loud ones, the ones that (ok, rightfully so) get the attention. I consider myself a pretty down to earth, mature young woman and so I associate with women like me, two of whom are virgins at 22, 23 (not always for religious reasons) and the others (save for one or two) have only had five, maybe six partners tops, but most even less. I know many, many women my age like this, we just don't shoot our mouths off and get the publicity...
Having casul sex is just a notch above masturbation in many peoples book. All it is is a release with the help of another person, means nothing.
The more partners one has the less special the act becomes...And for "SOME" people it always is "just sex" even with the one they love. Too bad , sex should mean a lot more than "just sex", or in other words, "a hand shake with an orgasm". Too bad for them really. How does one view sex as a special act when one has not treated it that way. That is the root of many peoples problem with their partners "large" number of sexual partners.
Many people want their partner to feel the same about sex as they do. Meaning how special it is, and how special they treat it.
Hi CML,
You sound like a very intelligent young lady and that was a very well written and reasoned response. I agree with you "oral SEX" is "sex". I am NOT against it at all, but just think it rather contorted to try and say its not sex. To be honest, most of the young ladies I hear it from are a little younger than you (mostly teens). It might be a case of trying to RATIONALIZE the acceptablitiy of the sex (oral) they are engaging in. I am glad you are too smart for that kind of rationalization for it.
On number of virgins at about 22, I don't have any data at hand but I am betting that is a small percentage. However, that does NOT mean its wrong in any sense. An individual and personal decision that every lady is entitled to make however she wants ... and for whatever religious or other reasons she might have.
Thanks for well done response!
RON
Women do feel more betrayed about an emotional affair than a sexual one, because women are more emotion orientated. To know that your man has been emotionally connecting with another woman, is incredibly hurtful and distressing. Sex is just that. Women can understand that. It is physical, sure I would be bothered and hurt, and would end the relationship if that ever happened to me, but I would be far more likely to slap my boyfriend if he had an emotional affair. Because as long as its just sex, it remains nothing, you have the upper hand, once emotions are involved she has either equal or more hold over your lover. that is worrying. Many women forgive sexual affairs because often it is one night stands that their partners will never see again. But knowing that another woman knows as much if not more about him, is deeply depressing.
I'm not sure about the amount of partners though, I have not had many, and know many women in their 20s who have only slept with the one. Which I think is great and respectful. I admire these women. But I admit, I wouldn't feel any different about myself if I had slept with 60 men rather than the meagre 6 that I have. It is just the way people are, I have viewed sex as casual hook ups in the past, but now since entering a relationship, I view it as making love, not sex. It depends, sometimes I think a lot of people enter these casual hook ups because of trust issues, they would rather be used for sex, and knowingly enter this, than enter a relationship and unknowingly have their hearts ripped out? I think the whole attitude to promiscuity is deeply narrow-minded and rather pathetic. Who cares about how many women the boy next door is sleeping with? Or the amount of men your new girlfriend has been sexually involved with?
Sex is special, but sometimes it takes sleeping around to realise this, and to find the one that makes it special.