Past Experience Talk with Hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Past Experience Talk with Hubby
13
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 12:53am

First let me say I have been a long time reader and enjoyed the information. It's stuff I can't talk to my girlfriends about. I've learned alot.

But now I really need your help. The title tells you my problem but first some background.

Every since my first real car date at 16 I found out I like giving HJ's and BJ's. On my first real date we went to the movies and then parking. After some kissing and petting my date unzipped his pants. It was the first penis I have ever seen and touched in person. He told me what he wanted me to do and I did it. And I found out I really liked it. I liked the size and shape and I liked watching his reaction as he climaxed.

After that if I liked the guy I was out with he was pretty assured of getting a HJ or BJ that night. I think I enjoyed it more than they did. And I earned a little reputation in HS for it.

Then I went to college and did the same thing, however it was with the upper class guys. The senior and Junior guys seemed to seek out the Freshman women. My freshman year I slept over alot with guys, giving HJ's and BJ's but seldom having sex. I kept my virginity until I was 18.

I don't know why, but I really enjoyed it. I would wonder what the guy would look like hard or how he would react when he came.

Then my Sophomore year I met the man who is now my husband. When I met him I knew he was the one I wanted to marry, don't ask me why. The only problem was he was really conservative and had heard some stories about me and didn't want to date me. To make a very long story short, through mutual friends we started dating, dated through college got married a year after we graduated. We now have been married over 7 years, have two great kids, my hubby is a great father, a great husband and a great provider. I am really lucky, I love him alot.

Well the other night after the kids were in bed we got talking about college friends and stuff. Out of no where he asked me, Were all those stories about you true in college? How many guys have you been with? I was shocked, we never discussed any of that before. I finally laughed and said what does it matter, I'm with the man I love and the luckiest lady in the world. Then he said he really wanted to know. I told him it's not important and it's not the best time to talk about it.

But he won't let it go. He has asked me several times since and I have put him off but he's not giving up. What do I do? Do I not tell him anything? I don't think that's going to work. Do I talk to him and tell him the truth? Do I talk to him and tell him a little white lie that the stories are not true and play down my experience?

I need help because this situation is getting worse every day. If anyone out there has had "the talk" I really, really want to know how it went. I need to get your opinions in a hurry.

Sorry this got so long but I need you help. PLEASE!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 3:52am

It's a little late for THAT talk! He had his "doubts" before he ever dated you, but he still DID date you. Was he a lucky recipient of your attention on the first date? If the answer is yes, then I think you're kind of "stuck" with the truth. If you did it for him, after he'd heard the stories, then he's probably assuming he wasn't the only guy that got lucky with you. If you DIDN'T do it for him right away, then I'd just tell him that the "rumors were exaggerated".....and let it go at that.

You're between a rock and a hard place here. Evidently it's been bothering him for years, and that's a shame. As you said, what difference does it make, that was then, this is now. Maybe you just have to tell him that whatever you did before you met him has NO BEARING on today, and there's no point in discussing it.

Sometimes men get hung up on this stuff, and I don't understand it. When I met my ex, he asked me if I was a virgin, which I was, and I told him that. It turned out that before I'd even met him, he'd seen me out with a guy that had a "reputation" (which I knew nothing about!) as a hot lover. He never did more than kiss me. But because he'd seen me with that guy.....it bugged him forever. I divorced him after 20 years because he was a serial cheater and an alcoholic, but even after we were divorced, he'd STILL ask me if I'd been a virgin! Like WHAT difference did it make at that point? There were times when I just wanted to say "YES, I screwed his brains out".....but I figured I'd never hear the end of THAT, either, lol

I honestly don't know what you can tell him other than there is NO POINT in discussing it, and you won't discuss it ever again. Good Luck!

PS: I have a feeling that if you admit to it, it's going to be thrown in your face every time you two have a disagreement. Do your best to defuse the situation, so it can just die away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 4:41am

Piscesgirl you are in a complex situation and I don't guess anyone really knows the perfect way to handle this situation and I can only guess. Your past is your past so someone just has to accept it or move on. Your H has dealt with what he thinks he knows for this long and only he knows why he is interested in the details now. You don't know where he is going with the issue but I think that honesty is the best policy but that doesn't necessarly require full disclosure.

When the question comes up again I think I would say that "I can't say if the stories that you have heard about me are true because I don't know what you have heard". "If you tell me what you heard I will tell you if I did it and what the situation was". "You knew when you started dating me that I had a reputation but like most things I expect that it was execrated". Ask him to be specific and try to answer the specific question without adding things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 8:57am

In my relationship, we have both been honest with each other about our pasts. We didn't have a "full disclosure" discussion, but conversation does come up from time to time, and we are comfortable discussing our past experiences with each other. Since you are side stepping his question, it may be causing him to be more curious. I would wonder why your DH wants to know this. He may have a basic curiosity, and want an honest answer...but he may also be asking for other reasons. Perhaps knowing that answer feeds a fantasy he has or something like that. I would want to know why it is important to him. Do you feel that you can trust him with that information, or do you think it will change the way he feels about you? Perhaps he wants more of a synopsis, or you could provide one to satisfy his curiosity but not have to give him numbers. Honestly, were you counting? Probably not, so I would use words like "fair share" or "several" or "probably more than most", and I wouldn't be shy about explaining exactly what you got out of it. It is something you found enjoyable, and that is okay, perhaps that is what he really needs to know. Men usually like it when their women actually enjoy sex and/or their penises, so I think it's okay for your DH to know that. You can ask him why he wants to know in some creative ways (as the initial response would no doubt be "just curious"). When he asks you, you could ask, "are you going to be fantasizing about me with these other guys or something?" Once you know why he wants to know, you can think about how to answer.

If you act ashamed of what you did, that allows him to think badly of you too. You did what you did because you enjoyed it, you were fascinated by it, and it was your choice. Or perhaps you were just trying to check them out in search of the right one....which you have found. Don't put yourself in a position of feeling bad about your experiences. Everyone is young once, and everyone has their own sexual history.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 9:04am
To answer your question, no we did not get together the first date or many dates after that. I knew he was very conservative and I knew I felt very differently about him. It was quite a while before we started doing that.
I don't know what to do, I appreciate your response. I can't figure out why he is so interested now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 3:25pm
I can't speak for all guys, but when I was single, I made it a point to try to date the type of grl that I liked. It sounds like you would have qualified quite nicely.
At the same time, I wasn't looking for ladies that I thought other men wouldn't be interested in, too.
You may draw anything you wish from this, but I think if your husband is concerned about your past, after all this time, he must have other issues bothering him, as well.
once.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2002
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 10:07pm
This is easy. Tell him. He is most likely thinking much worse things than actually happened. Be honest...he wants to know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 3:16am

I believe this is terrible advice. Women always harp on men about honesty. Honesty is a two way street. How can the other person have any respect for you if you're, simply, going to lie to them to serve your own interests?

The best advice in this situation is be completely honest or don't say anything at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:19am

You're right, honest is the best policy, but it's not the ONLY policy. Self-preservation sometimes supercedes "honesty". What purpose would honesty serve in this case? It would give someone who's somewhat insecure "ammunition".

No one said she should lie. There is nothing to be gained with "full disclosure" in this case. Even the Army has a policy: "don't ask, don't tell".

That's what's wonderful about these message boards, everyone has an opinion, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion, you to yours, and me to mine, and it's up to the OP as to what opinions she chooses to agree with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 7:59pm

Hello Piscesgirl,

What answer would you want from him if you asked him the same question?

Have you asked him the same question?

You could answer somthing like where there smoke theres fire and you enjoyed the fire because of the prior smoke. Lol

There may be some truth to the old saying the guilty dog barks first. I'm not calling either of you a dog. LOL Nobody is a saint. Do you think he may have strayed recently and is seeking info for a defense?

You needed to learn a few things in order to make a good choice and you chose him. I sure as a result of your experience / practice when younger he has benifited from some skills you refined during that time of your life. He is lucky you chose him. LMAO

I'm not him. However, I think the behavior you have described is normal for an independent confident healthy young woman that is honest about her feelings and desires. I don't think you did anything outrageous. The only concern I would have had was if you were "clean" safe to play with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 4:27am
piscesgirl-123, I`m thinking he is just curious. How bad could your number be? Are we talking you pleasured 15 guys , or 75? Actually ,as your husband, if he wants to know ,he should be told. You avoiding the question is just going to make his suspicions worse. So what would your guess be as far as the number of guys you were with in that way?

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