Condoms, disappearing erections, oh my

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2005
Condoms, disappearing erections, oh my
9
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 2:17pm

I did something stupid and need some ideas on how to fix it.

My bf and I just started having sex. It was my first time but not his (he's 11 years older than I am). The relationship has been fast for me, slow for him, but we've worked it out and nothing has happened before I was ready for it to. He's been up front with what he wanted, I told him how far I was willing to go at that time, and we dealt with it.

The first time was ... fast. We took our time with the foreplay, etc, but once he was in he was too excited to hold back. No big deal, he finished me off afterward and I went to sleep thinking practice makes perfect and feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Round two was essentially a repeat of the first time except he had problems maintaining his erection after the condom was on. We couldn't manage WOT but did get missionary again. Essentially the same outcome as the first night, though he lasted longer. He made a few disparaging remarks about condoms and suggested we could do away with them all together. I'm on the pill, but absolutely cannot get pregnant right now because of medical reasons. I muttered something about eventually but not right now and didn't think too much about it.

A few nights later was when things didn't go so well. I was a little irritated by something that had happened earlier in the evening and didn't even really realize it. We were having a good time, but as soon as the condom came on, he lost it and got upset. We tried a couple more times, but every time he got the condom on he lost the erection and it got more difficult to get him excited. We finally ended up flopped over on the bed with him crying poor-pitiful-me and declaring that condoms were making sex impossible. I got pissed (combine sexual frustration and the lingering irritation from earlier in the evening plus the sudden (irrational) conviction that nothing I EVER did was enough for him) and I went off and gave him a lecture on how his attitude about the situation was what was making it impossible. He was whining about the condom instead of enjoying the moment and that was the problem.

Well, I succeeded in making him feel horrible. He did back flips that night to give me a really intense orgasm and looked too guilty and miserable to really enjoy my getting him off later that night.

The next day I thought things through, did some research, and discovered that the condom problem is not uncommon. I still feel like he was playing things up a bit to try and get what he wanted, but I also feel bad for hitting below the belt and not being supportive when he was having a legitimate problem. I apologized for being bitchy and he looked shocked and insisted I had done nothing wrong.

Last night we gave it another go. It took two tries and a lot of intense oral work, but we managed and both really enjoyed the end result. Unfortunately, I felt a bit like I was performing CPR instead of foreplay (a combination of guilt and fear that another failed round would make his confidence fall even lower) and he essentially apologized afterward for not being 20 something and able to perform any time, any way. I reassured him that I loved him no matter what, we would keep working on it, and regardless, we always managed to enjoy each other.

So now what? I feel like I've sabotaged my sexual relationship with a wonderful man with a few angry words. I know this can't be ignored, but I also know that if we can't correct our attitudes we're going to be in for a lot more trouble. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 2:46pm

Well, I would say to just relax. It's just not a big deal. Just go back to having fun and all will be well. One of the things is to not worry about misfires -- once in a great while my bf won't be able to get a good erection or to cum, but he just shrugs it off and inevitably it works more than fine the next time.

On a side note, we used a condom exactly once and my bf did not like it one bit. He has had a lot of sex and I know some of his ex-lovers personally but apparently condoms were never part of the picture. He's quite large and usually gets extremely rigid, and it just looked like it was squeezing it way too hard -- really did not look comfy at all. Maybe a larger size would be better, I don't know, but the whole concept was a dud. So we just do without -- I am not willing to mess up my hormones so I did not go on the pill. I tell him clearly when I'm near ovulating so he knows to not cum inside me then. Plus he mostly prefers to finish orally anyway so it's not really an issue. Haven't gotten pregnant so far despite many many encounters w/him, and don't intend to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 5:05pm

Welcome to the board ladycatbird.

I think with patience and understanding, both of you can make this work. He can get used to using a condom, and you can have more patience when things don't go the way they were planned.

Out of curiosity, why don't you trust the pill when used alone? It's been my experience, that when used properly, it's very reliable.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 5:59pm
Stick to your guns. Not only do condoms vastly improve the efficiency of your other BC method, but they also serve as protection from STDs. Given that you are literally gambling with life and death if you have unprotected sex, I recommend being pretty picky about who you have unprotected sex with! Remember that STDs hit nice people, too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2005
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 7:26pm

Thanks for the responses so far.

My distrust of birth control pills has both valid and irrational foundations:
- recently received some work-related vaccinations that make it unsafe to become pregnant for several months
- this is only my second month on the pill and I'm still experimenting with brands
- getting pregnant means I can't do my job for the duration, and I'm not at a good place to take a time out (would, in fact, throw a huge project a year behind schedule)
- at some point in my life I developed the belief that getting pregnant is really, really easy. It's so strong that, even as the scientific type, I have trouble objectively evaluating the real risk, even looking at statistics.

Basically, I'm new at this, I'm scared silly by the thought of getting pregnant, and even though I'm all for the right to choose, it's not a choice I want to be faced with (not that anybody does). I need the condom right now as a reassurance. Do I foresee needing one forever? No, but I do now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:34pm

It sounds like it is important to you to stick to your guns. Feeling comfortable having sex comes from many places, one of which is not having the fear of pregnancy.

While your BF is trying to adjust to using a condom, just try to have some extra patience. Realize that things won't always work perfectly and both of you might end up frustrated at times. While you don't need a condom for oral (not fearing STDs), it might make sense to try using one. Going from oral to intercourse won't require the break that it takes to put the condom on, and it might make it a bit more successful for him.

Hopefully some other members will be along that have experienced trouble from using condoms, and have more advice for you.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 9:30am

ladycatbird,

Definitely stick to your guns as mentioned. Safe sex isn't worth getting a disease over.

One thing I might suggest is varying the type of condom you use. My wife and I had a miserable time with regular Trojan condoms. They were just too tight on me and way too tight at the base.

Simple physics says if you put a kink in the hose, no water is filling it up. The same goes for condoms.

We found great success with some of the newer condoms that have more spirals and extra space for me. That allows more sensation to get to the head, and less like a dull rubbing.

Also, if it's a size issue, try magnum condoms. They're a bit bigger. Work just as well. But they're not quite so tight as to kink the hose. Just be sure they're not too loose they they slip off.

-lg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 10:21am

I think you both need an attitude adjustment. He will need to get used to the condom, and yes, many men have the same problem with them, and many men "get over it".

However, you telling him to stop whining about the condom and just enjoy the moment was a bit over the top. How could he enjoy the moment when his manhood and virility were in question (at least in his own mind!).

Most relationships, in the beginning, have these problems.....and all it takes is time, time to get used to a new partner, and time to learn to relax and be comfortable with a new partner. The fact that he's not a 20 something has nothing to do with anything. Men can get and keep erections into their 80's if they're in good health. Probably the fact that you were a virgin had something to do with his anxiety, too. After all, he wanted to "please" you.....and he DID, after the fact. If you're like 80+% of women.....intercourse isn't going to "do it" for you anyway.

Hopefully he can lighten up on himself, and you can help him do that by NOT making a big deal out of it. It takes TIME.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 7:33pm

I'm a bit surprised by the attitude of some of the respondents. I would expect that if anyone understood about problems with some forms of BC, a woman would.

The reality is that just as some women can't use some forms of BC some men can't use condoms. Some can use them but find they dull the sensation to that point where they feel little or no sensation during intercourse. This can lead to loss of erection and or inability to reach orgasm.

While they may still proceed for their partners pleasure they may need some other form of stimulation to reach orgasm.

If your worried about pregnancy there are many other secondary BC methods you can use, talk to your doctor or any public health agency about alternates.

If your worried about disease GET TESTED. Even condoms are only partially protective against some STD'S. Know yours and your partners status.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2005
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 1:26pm

An update:
- We continue to have sex. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but we have had no more repeats of the earlier ugliness, and we always enjoy ourselves either way.

A clarification:
- Disease isn't an issue here. I wouldn't have agreed to sex to begin with if I didn't trust him / know his status. I simply prefer to use a condom to back up the pills until I've gotten all of the kinks worked out of pill use and it's not such a health risk if I do get pregnant.

A reminder:
- I acknowledged in my first post that I was out of line with my response to him, and I have tried very hard to make that up to him / prevent it from happening again. The reason I posted with this story was to try and get some help in understanding what was happening and to find ways to work around the problem.

A thank you:
- To all of you who have posted constructive advice. We have been switching condoms, etc, and found that it does help.