little confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
little confused
7
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 5:11am

I'm a very sexually healthy guy. I'm used to having relationships that involve a lot of sex and i'm used to hooking up and having a lot of sex.

Very recently I've gotten into a relationship with a old high school sweetheart. We never had sex. I have a very high sex drive but she doesn't. She's still a virgin. I honestly love this girl but i cant hold out any longer without sex. I've talked with her about it before and she wants to wait until she gets married. I don't want to leave her but i also don't want to marry her right now.

So basically I'm asking should i just wait to see if she's the girl i really want to spend the rest of my life with or should i kick her to the curb and find someone with a sex drive like mine?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 8:28am

Here are some questions that would help to answer your questions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 8:45am

Welcome to the board ekarjala.

Being a virgin doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't have a high sex drive. If she's made a commitment to herself to wait until she's married before having sex, than it does show she has a strong will -- not necessarily a bad thing. There are many ways to still be loving other than by having sex. Perhaps one of the reasons she is waiting is because she doesn't believe in casually "hooking up" and she doesn't want to be just another girl any guy has had sex with.

You mention that you are used to having lots of sex, and not necessarily within a relationship. It sounds to me like sex is more important to you than the relationship. I'm not against casual sex, but if you are in a relationship and sex isn't on the menu, then you're the only one who can decide if you can do without partner sex for that period of time. You'll still be able to masturbate, and many women who choose to remain virgins will do many other sex acts (just not intercourse). In that case, I would probably argue if it was me. Honestly, I don't consider a person who participates in sexual activity with others to be a virgin, intercourse is just a technicality at that point.

That being said, I wouldn't want to marry someone that I hadn't already developed a sexual relationship with. It's too important that this area of the marriage is compatible, IMO.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 9:48am
Virginity doesn't mean lack of sex drive. It indicates high moral standards or values. It probably means that she equates sex with love and commitment and that's her right. If you want or need sex, then she's not the g/f for you unless you're in love with her, and want to marry her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 11:56am

High school sweetheart love lasts forever in my opinion, if your together or not.


I think it is great that she wants to wait for marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 6:51pm
Hey...quite the postition your in.....
Only you can answer that question though....how long have you guys been together?
What does she say when you tell her you "can't" hold out any longer?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 10:38pm

I remained a virgin (in the strictest sense) before getting married. It was very important to me because I simply could not just have sex casually and risk being dumped, used, given an STD, or wind up pregnant. Yes, I am a devout Catholic but those other reasons I mentioned confirmed my decision. I would have had no problem talking about sex honestly before marriage, but for some reason we didn't. We made sure we were in agreement in other important areas like did both of us want children,etc. If he had said that he couldn't wait for marriage as I could, I would have refused him. No way am I having a guilt trip laid on me. That is just one area where I will not compromise.

You need to ask yourself and her if marriage is really a future possibility. Can you make a sacrifice and wait for her?

Wendy

Wendy

sexy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 11:53pm

I haven't got much to add other than to make sure that it's her principles that are stopping her from having sex rather than just a lack of interest. If you are making decisions then you want the facts. It would be "just a little" disappointing to find out that she wasn't just waiting for marriage and that she wasn't terribly interested in sex. If she's making this decision that affects both of you now I think that she should be reasonably open and honest with talking about it with you. You're not going to win her over by moaning a groaning about it so try to have a decent honest conversation with her rather than using it as an opportunity to pressure her into having sex.

At the end of the day its a choice you have to make. While I know that I wouldn't necessarily leave a woman because of a "No sex before marriage" decision, it would certainly make leaving for another woman (if one happened to come along) a more attractive choice too.