Sex not pleasurable anymore! :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Sex not pleasurable anymore! :-(
2
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 12:39am
My husband and I got married 3 months ago, and have been living together for 2.5 years. Its hard to say exactly when the sex changed, but I want to say probably about a year ago. See, I am the only person that my husband has ever been with, and it took me awhile to teach him how to do stuff and for him to learn what I like, etc., but once that initial learning curve was over our sex life was great for quite a while. Then all of a sudden, something changed. Something in the way he rubs my clit, but I'm not exactly sure what it is that he's doing differently or what to tell him to do to make it feel better. Sex just doesn't feel good anymore, at least not the part where he's trying to get me off with his hand before we start intercourse. In fact, it downright hurts sometimes! I know its wrong, but because I don't know how to correct him, I fake it just so he'll stop touching there and we can get to the intercourse.
I think at least part of the problem is that he starts touching me before I'm really wet, and then he uses too much direct stimulation on my clit. How can I teach him how to make it pleasurable for me again, so I don't always have to take care of myself either at the same time as intercourse or afterward? (And yes he does go down on me sometimes, and it does feel good, but he doesn't usually do it for very long.) Any advice would be appreciated.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 2:14am

Start giving instructions again. Tell him if you're too dry and it's irritating you! He's not a mind reader, and maybe he has to be reminded that it's "tender". If you're not wet enough, you can always ask him to use a dab of lube. If he's giving you oral, you can always tell him how great it is, and to please not stop yet.\

I'm sure he wants to give you pleasure, and he can't if you don't tell him what you want....even if you've told him before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:07am

Welcome to the board shigh2001.

It sounds to me like he might be rushing things along a little, and you have decided that you no longer need to communicate with him. Even dropping subtle hints can be to your advantage, but if this is a regular problem that you're having, I would recommend trying to talk to him about it outside of the bedroom. It really sounds like it's just a matter of his timing being off a bit.

It's also possible that you have come to expect this to happen, so that's where your mind is. There's not a necessity to have an orgasm prior to intercourse. While it's fun, feels good, etc., if you're also able to have an orgasm during intercourse, either of you can stimulate your clit then -- or introduce a toy. Faking doesn't help either of you. Sometimes people don't get off, period; and starting to fake it just puts you in a place where the importance isn't on the pleasure -- it's about "not hurting the other persons feelings". You don't have to make an announcement "This ain't working, let's move along", but you can say something like "baby, I really want to feel you inside of me". That's sexy and encouraging, and presents no need for faking.

If you don't want to feel like you're still teaching him, then you can get creative with your suggestions. Toys are also an excellent way to bring the need for lube (wetness) to the forefront. If you're using a toy and you need lube with it, then you can mention how important it is that everything is wet for sensitivity reasons.

Maybe having a talk with him outside the bedroom will help to get things back on track. Then if you notice you're having problems just now and then, using subtle hints can help to redirect if needed.



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Edited 9/9/2007 11:09 am ET by cl-misty_mae