How many partners is TOO many?
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How many partners is TOO many?
| Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:45pm |
Over the past year, I have nearly doubled my sexual partner count...and I am wondering, how many is too many?! I'm not sure what it is, but suddenly I am finding myself in one after another sexual situation...and often I am the one essentially making it happen! I am not trying to make any of these people my boyfriend - in fact, I have had a number of one-night stands recently that I am completely okay with. BUT, I am starting to feel that perhaps it's gotten a bit out of hand. I'm not sure if I am simply worried about what other people will think, or if I just hate the idea that I will (out of necessity) have to lie to any future partners about how many people I've been with. I basically feel okay about what I've been doing (not that I necessarily want to continue like this) - but how many partners is too many? Is there such a thing? What do men think about this topic?

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Welcome to the board alysyn.
I don't think there are any statistics on how many sexual partners might be too many. I know that some people might judge others based on that, but there can be differing circumstances that affect the total number of partners.
Of course, today, safe sex is important, and with the number of STDs, limiting the number of one night stands you have might make good sense. Because one night stands don't offer other benefits, you might want to consider why you're having them, and so many of them.
If you're asking yourself questions, or putting pressure on yourself, then perhaps this isn't the right action plan for you. You mentioned being afraid you would have to lie to future partners. I think whenever you put yourself in a position to feel you have to (or might have to) lie, you're probably not making the best decisions for yourself.
The real question is do you respect yourself?
I don't think that you can put a number on it. I know that DW has slept with more than a dozen guys and I'd be lying if I said that it didn't make even liberal ol' me feel a little uneasy for a short while after finding out. And I don't think that 12 is a big number. At the end of the day it depends on the guy that you are telling and I don't think that lying about it and then refusing to elaborate is a big deal. I think that if a guy is going to get upset because you are vague about the actual number then he sure as hell will be more upset when he finds out the truth.
Unfortunately large numbers make 90% of guys uneasy. Heck anything over 4 or 5 makes most guys uneasy.
If you're ok with it, then it's not too many.
Edited 9/29/2007 7:18 pm ET by alysyn
"BUT, I am starting to feel that perhaps it's gotten a bit out of hand.
"...my wife and I each know how many sexual partners we have and even discussed the various circumstances and impact they had on own lives. It was something very intimate of us to discuss and took a lot of trust to do it because it can backfire. Discussing something like that can create issues in a relationship."
That's a great point you bring up.
I know hubby and I have also been open and honest with each other about our pasts, but I think the trust you mentioned is a big part of being able to open up that way. To me, a person who was too anxious to know about my past would be one who lacks confidence, or has some rigid set of rules -- certainly not someone I would spend my life with. We were old enough to know we had prior partners, and we didn't concentrate on that. Over the years, we have swapped stories, and talked about different relationships. I think that is part of knowing who the other person is. I don't think I could commit to a person that would let my past become a problem within our relationship.
On the flip side of that, I never thought about the number of partners I had as being too many or too few. I think if I had ill feelings about it myself, that could also create a problem within the relationship.
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