Lonely, but in love

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Lonely, but in love
1
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 4:11pm
Can a man you love be asexual and still love you? Bluntly, we do not have sex anymore. Not for over six month. When we did have sex, it was just one two three. No foreplay whatsoever. He does have a debilating disease and I am wondering if that doesn't play a role in his not wanting to have sex. OR, if it is the medication he is on, OR, if he finds me not desirable. He is always telling me how much he loves me. He hugs me every night in bed and it feels good because I love him so much. But what if it is not any of the above. What should I be doing to find out if this situation is another story? I have not mentioned this to him because I feel I will be hurting him and that if it is the truth, he may feel that I may leave him or want to leave him. Since we met, we have been joined by the hips. We go every where together. What seems to be the problem here? Should he be seeking some kind of therapy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 5:55pm

Welcome to the board avajul, and (((((H U G S))))) for what you are going through. I definitely think "love" can be completely separate from what you have going on here -- so, yes, I do think you can be suffering in the sex area, but still be in love with each other.

While some asexual people do still have sex, it seems that you probably have a lot of different things going on that have an affect on your situation. Stress, depression, medications, and fear are just a few of the things that can affect your libido, and I suspect he is having some trouble because of these types of things.

I know you said you don't want to hurt him, but you really do need to sit and have a talk with him. You don't have to be confrontational, don't use "you" statements, but do let him know that you are concerned about your relationship. Saying things like "I want a healthy relationship", "I need more intimacy", "I know we have some struggles or obstacles", etc., can go a long way to setting the tone of the conversation.

Your first goal during the conversation should be to learn what he thinks might be the problem, and your second goal should be to fix whatever the problem is. If he is having problems that he can't pinpoint, or if they are medical, then he really does need to talk with his doctor about things. It may be he needs his medications adjusted, and the doctor can help him pinpoint what the causes are too.

It sounds like you have a great relationship otherwise, and letting this go could cause a wedge in that. Good luck with getting the conversation started, and let us know how things go.