Taking a break from sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Taking a break from sex?
8
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 4:53pm

Hi Everyone! I'm new here, and I had a question that I wanted opinions from people I don't know! (Unbiased view, if you will.)

Here's the background:
My boyfriend and I will be together 3 years this coming June. We have always had a very healthy sex life, with the occasional mis-match of libidos, but nothing that has ever been a cause for complaint. 98% of the time it's been great!

I met my boyfriend when he was 23, and he was always open and honest with me that he does watch porn on occasion (sometimes twice a week, sometimes once every 2 or 3 weeks, depending on his mood,) and pleasures himself to it. Although it does strike a pang of jealousy sometimes, I appreciate his honesty, and I'd rather it be to a DVD or the computer than him cheat! His watching porn has zero effect on his performance with me, so I don't mind too much.

A few weeks ago though, he told me that he was doing it more and more frequently. He had a lot of personal issues going on, and it became something that he did every day, for about a week to 10 days. I told him that I thought it was getting out of hand, and that he and I should just take a break from each other until he gets it out of his system. He works evenings 3 days a week, and I work days and go to school. So he does it when I'm at work, or if he comes home from work late one day when I'm staying at my parent's house. He never does it when I'm there.

After I told him I thought it was getting out of hand, he told me that I was overreacting and that it hasn't had any effect on him and I, so I shouldn't worry about it. I responded that I agreed with that, but it effects my mentality, so I wasn't comfortable with it and he said ok.

A few days later, he tells me that he has decided to stop masturbating for a while, as well as stopping having sex with me so that we can "detox" for a few days and wait until the moment is special, therefore the intimacy will be renewed and we will reconnect sexually. He told me that he agreed that his masturbating was getting out of hand - shock! - and that he wanted to take a break from all things sexual so that he could get his head straight and focus his energy and attention on me. His attitude towards me hasn't changed at all, if anything it's gotten much better, and I know he is faithful to me, so I'm not worried that he is cheating at all. I'm just wondering if anyone else has had any experience with "taking a break from sex" for a few weeks and what effects it had on your relationship?

Also, we have discussed breaks like that before, giving us time to "miss each other" and really appreciate the connection when we come together again, but we never actually held out this long. Even he admits that it's a long time for him to go without sex, but that he wants to wait until the very right moment. I haven't bothered him about it or made any attempt to start sex, because I want him to wait until he's ready. (I wouldn't be surprised if he is trying to hold out until Valentine's day!)

What do yall think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 6:17pm

>>>A few days later, he tells me that he has decided to stop masturbating for a while, as well as stopping having sex with me so that we can "detox" for a few days and wait until the moment is special, therefore the intimacy will be renewed and we will reconnect sexually.<<<


Sounds like he's read a review on the new book some yo-yo has written--yes, I am serious--on sexual detox.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 11:19pm
Ha Ha! No! But at 25, he's still fairly close to his mom, plus he works in a profession where his clients are mostly female and he a number of his coworkers are female, and it sounds like something they would have bought into and told him about! I asked him where he got the idea to do something like that, and he said he just agreed that the masturbating was getting to be too much and he wanted to take a break and reconnect emotionally, that way when we introduce the sexual aspect back into it, it's more special than just regular sex like we were having before.



I looked up the book you mentioned and this was a part of the write up on the Harper Collins website:

"If you're in a relationship, you'll learn to see your sexual history not just as a series of physical encounters, but rather as a unique and vital part of your identity, which needs to be nurtured and fed in healthy ways. You'll experience the "thrill of the chaste" and learn how to touch your partner with a renewed sense of passion and possibility."



Hmmmmm.............
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 5:59am
Welcome to the board, snow729. I wonder whether you've seen this thread on Should Couples take a Sex Detox?




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 7:39am
Sounds like something a guy might write if he was trying to sell books, huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 10:17am

I just saw that thread after I posted this one. I wasn't sure which forum to put it in! Plus I didn't think that that thread really answered my question, although it is interesting.

I'm not sure if my boyfriend knows about that book though because he didn't say anything about it, or that he wanted to read it. Plus we put sex on the back burner completely, we're not doing "breathing exercises" and the like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 3:22pm

Welcome to the board, snow729.

I know couples do sometimes take planned breaks in their sex life, but I don't feel that taking a break without addressing any issues that might exist will prove to help the two of you reconnect. We're you having problems in other areas of your relationship? Was he watching porn because he felt your sex life had become boring? Do you feel your sex life had become boring? There are a million and one questions you could ask about "why"?

If I decided to take a break from sex with my partner, a few important things would need to be addressed before doing so. Things like ....

- What lead to the necessity for a break.
- How long the break would be.
- What was the expected outcome of the break.
- What steps would we take during the break to reach our goals?

For me, it would have to be something that we both agreed on, and it would have to be something that both of us saw as beneficial to our relationship.





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 3:35pm

Thanks Misty!

Well, I had a talk about it with him last night. And we both agreed that sex hadn't become boring, per se, but it was just monotonous. We didn't have that ravaging desire for each other because sex was so frequent, so he wanted to test himself and go without for a while in order to build up that desire again. He'd been talking about doing it for a few years, but he said he just burnt himself out with all the masturbating, etc., that he wanted to take a total break in order to focus himself and bring all of the attention back to our relationship and satisfying me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 3:43pm

Well, from your second post, it sounds like he was thinking about taking a break from masturbating for longer than you've known him. Does he think he has an addiction to porn and masturbation, or sex in general?

It's great that he wants to redirect his energy, but if he does have some sort of problem, it may not get properly addressed the way he is approaching it. Why does he feel that he also needs to stop having sex with you?

Seems to me that the two of you could commit to becoming more creative in the bedroom just as easily as taking a break from sex all together, kwim?