Someone tell me if this is normal?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Someone tell me if this is normal?????
7
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 8:34am
I have been seeing this man for about 5 months now. We have gone on may dates, movies, dinner, etc. We also have had many sleepovers too. We had sex for the first time about a month ago, about 4 months into our relationship. The first time we did it, we were at his house. He was drinking, and we were both nervous so after about 20 min he went soft, he tried to get it back up and he couldn't so we went to sleep. I wasn't upset because I have feelings for this man and I thought since it was our first time that he could of been nervous. Ok, so now last night we have sex for the second time. We were at my house and things were going good. He seemed a little nervous at first, we came in and watched some tv and then we went to the bedroom. At first he was hard, no problem. After about 20-25 min he went soft, he and I tried to get it back up and it worked. Then we went about another 20-25 min and it happened again, he went soft yet again. He told me that it (his penis) had a mind of it's own LOL I chuckled and then we tried again and he got it up. We went again for some time and it happened again. We had sex for a little over 2 hours and it happened about 3-4 times. I asked him if he came and he said no, that it usually takes him a really long time to. So, I asked him what can I do to help it along and he said that it just takes a long time.

So, then he said that he could do it himself, that he knows his body and that it wouldn't take him but 5 min to do it. So then I said what if I do it? and he said it only will work if he does it. So he did it, and it took about 5 min. Ok, with the exception of him going soft and not being able to finish, the sex was great. My questions are this: Why would you say he would be having this problem staying hard? I am kinda starting to believe that maybe the problem is me, that he doesn't want me enough or find me attractive enough. I have never ever had this problem before with anyone that I ever have been with. Also, why would it take a man so long to finish? He was going to go to bed and not finish himself, until I said something. I appreciate he was taking care of me and my needs but what about his? Why would it take so long? When we did it the first time, he also didn't finish either. He made it all about me, which I appreciate. Also, why could he manually do it himself and it take 5 min and when I would do it, it would not work and go soft? Am I missing something here? Should I be doing something else? I am really confused here because I really have deep feelings for this man and I think the sex could be even better if these issues were resolved. From talking to him he doesn't seem to think that there is a problem. He just said this is how it's always been. I know he has done it before, he has 2 kids. LOL And, one last question, he asked me when we were on the phone before he came over if I had porn. Why would he ask me that? I have never had a man ask me that before, it was never a issue. Well, any opinions would be helpful. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 9:25am

There is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2008
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 9:40am

I would suggest that its a performance anxiety. It is a psychological thing. He can get it up, and he can be going great...but then a thought pops into his head that he won't be able to finish off with ya, a panic takes him inside, and blah...there goes the hard on. He is probably wired more directly from his mind to his penis. The good thing is you are able to get him up again. That is a good sign that he is somewhat able to control his mind and put himself back in the right mindset.


What I would suggest is when you feel like you are done, ask him if he wants to finish on you...maybe on your stomach, boobs, face, or butt, (even feet for some). When he is finishing himself...watch what he is doing to himself. Watch closely. See what hand he is using. try to pay attention the pressure he is using. the speed, Try to mimic exactly what he doing. After he does that a few times....then when it looks like he is close to finishing onetime. take over for him, and finish him off. Then maybe next time you will be able to finish him off manually all by yourself. and if it gets into his mind that he can get off with you





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 12:49pm

Welcome to the board, princess.

He could be having performance anxiety, he could have some issues with ED, and he could be spending a lot of time masturbating. Whatever the reason, focusing on it will probably make it last longer. Hopefully once you get into a regular routine of having sex (more frequency), things will change. If they don't, then perhaps talk to him about his masturbation habits.

Guys who masturbate a lot (or have been for a very long time) often have difficulty climaxing by other means. He can provide the right pressure and intensity, which he becomes accustomed to. Usually, if that's what's happening, a guy can retrain himself by not masturbating for a period of time (maybe a couple of weeks).

As for the porn, perhaps that's what he uses when he masturbates. If you enjoy porn, then let him bring some with him.

As Sakura said, none of this has to do with you or how he feels about you. Sex can be enjoyable for both partners without each climaxing every time. If he seems content to be finished without having had an orgasm, then you shouldn't take that on as your problem or goal. That is the sort of thing that puts too much emphasis on the climax, the focusing that can make the situation worse.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2007
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 10:47am
I dont know why but my husband gets harder when he watches porn and he says it has nothing to do with the ladies on the tv but the sexual acts themself and thinking about doing them with me. Usually we have sex once and he is done for at least 24 hours..if we watch a porn after having sex together he can usually go another round. Don't know why and it really does not bother me because I trust him when he says I please him just fine that it is all mental and visual and fantasy. (the porn) I know I please him and can turn him on without the porn just that the porn adds to it and like I said I can get it twice in one night. He also said that it turns him on that I enjoy watching them to because in general woman more woman are against porn watching then are for it. If you do not mind watching it with him..try it out and see what happens. I doubt it has anything to do with you per say because he is having sex with you. If he thought something was wrong with you then I doubt he would be making sure you are satisfied the way you described. He clearly enjoys pleasing you sexually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 1:44pm

I'm glad there's at least one

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2007
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 2:43pm
I agree if it is an addiction or causing any other conflict in the marriage or relationship then its not a good thing. I feel the same way about vibrators and dildos. My DH would not care if I used them solo just as long as I dont replace him with them which is not going to happen because as I have said many times...without my mans body and eyes watching me I get nothing from using them solo. I have become so insanely fascinated with sex in the past few months and actually I really actually enjoy watching the porn because WHOA its amazing what the human body can do LOL. My most recent wow was 69 standing up that I saw on a movie last weekend. Gosh you have to be in shape to hold your woman up that way. My DH and I see them as somewhat of comedies to because of the bad acting and fake orgasms. We have gotten some really good laughs out of porn movies. Its really alot of fun to watch just as much as arousing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 4:13pm

Sakura, so true about the porn.

I know I enjoy watching it with my hubby from time to time, and even watch it on my own sometimes. It's never caused a problem in our relationship. There have been times when one or the other of us wasn't in the mood that it has actually helped get us in the mood.