Man obsessed with internet women!!!????
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| Tue, 02-12-2008 - 9:13pm |
This is my first time here and I'm hoping to get some good advice. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now and living together for about 4 months. We have been having this problem with the internet. Every time I am not around he gets on the net to check out his pages and such but ends up chatting to girls sexually. He gets on his messengers and starts sharing naked pictures with these girls and telling them how beautiful they are and so on. He was web camming with them and having cyber sex. I've caught him a few times and tried explaining that it's still cheating in my eyes, it hurts. The fact that he would lie to my face that he did it, until he got caught, and that he would do it knowing that I don't like it. Just today I found a conversation that he had on Sunday night with a girl that he shared several pictures back and forth with that she told him talk dirty to me. He went into detail about how he wanted penetrate her and so on. It crushed me. He told me he doesn't know why he does it. He loves me, he's here with me and would never go outside the house for someone. That he just finds himself doing it even though he knows it's wrong and that he shouldn't but he can't stop himself. He also doesn't feel that it's cheating because he said he just likes the feeling that other women find him attractive and desirable. I told him that it makes me feel like he has no desire for me period (especially since we don't have sex but maybe at the most twice a week and it's usually on the weekend). He said that he doesn't know why he does it other than he likes the feeling of being liked. He knows that I find him extremely attractive and that when I see him I'm instantly turned on, but it's not enough. I don't know what to do. This is tearing me apart, and we don't know what to do about it. I would shut the internet off but I go to school (college) online, so that's not an option. I told him that from now on he's not allowed on the net without me being here, but I shouldn't have to monitor him or give him limits, he should be able to do that for himself.

Hey,
I am sorry to hear that you are having issues with this man that you love with everything. I do belive that you need to set ultimatums for him as if he were physically cheating. He is sharing something that should only be shared bewteen the two of you. I know it will be hard to do, because his
Why is he doing it?
I read your post below about the naked pictures and having them made into a movie set to music. While I think that's a great gift idea, I wonder if you did that in hopes of helping to steer him away from this activity? If I were you, I would be concerned that those pictures might end up on the internet too -- unless you're okay with that if they do.
Everyone has their own definition of "cheating". I think for most, what your BF is doing would be considered cheating. He's having a sexual experience with another person, albeit it's over the internet. I'm not saying there aren't relationships where this sort of thing is acceptable, but in your relationship, you have already told him that it's not acceptable to you.
Internet porn and all the things that go along with it can be addicting for some. If he's not willing to stop on his own, or seek help to stop -- and really takes it all seriously, then you have to decide if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your relationship. It sounds to me like there's a high chance he'll do it again, even if he stops for a while.
You might find a compromise that you can live with. Perhaps just watching porn to masturbate to would be okay with you. For me, if there's no interaction, then it's not much different than watching porn on TV or looking at a magazine. If he's on the internet though, it's likely that you'll still wonder about what he's doing there when you're not around.
There are a lot of boards on iVillage to address relationship problems. I've listed a couple of them below for you that you might want to visit. I've also included the link to the line-up of message boards where you might find others you think would be helpful.
Cyber Cheating & Emotional Affairs
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlemotional
Pornography & Your Relationship
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhtporn
Message boards on the Love Channel:
http://love.ivillage.com/messageboards
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I'm so sorry this is a hard situation. I know that people view cheating as very different things. In my relationship with DH we have a very conservative view of what is allowed and not allowed - well, compared to a lot of people it's conservative. So I understand how that would tear you up inside.
The problem is that you don't agree that it is cheating. See it from his point of view first: He doesn't think there is anything wrong with what he is doing. He does not consider it cheating. You putting limits on him like that seems rediculous and hurtful because he feels like you are treating him like a child, not an equal.
Now your point of view: You see what he's doing as cheating. It hurts you. You feel betrayed. You want this to just stop.
well, then I see the problem as that you disagree on whether this is cheatig or not. So one fo you is going to have to change your view and accept the other. You together need to decide that. YOu need to talk calmly and share each of you views and understand each other.
If no compromise is possible. - He still wants to play on the internet and you think it's cheating. If you really feel that he is cheating, then you need to behave as though he is cheating on you. WHat would you do if you he was cheating on you IRL?
First off, I am sorry to hear about the problems you are having. I think it would almost be better if it was a straight up cheating situation. Cybersexin' is something that is black and white to some and a big grey area for others. Most don't know whether to call it cheating or just harmless fun.
For me I