I went through this with a very good bf a while ago. He was a superb guy, but he had a lot of negativity going on in his life -- e.g., he too had been recently divorced and his ex-wife was blatantly dating tons of guys in the community. Additionally, he had been highly sexually active from a young age and he was in his late 40s, and I believe that the sensitivity of his equipment wasn't what it had been. At any rate, he very often couldn't cum unless it was 2-3 days since the last time.
The way I partially solved this was just to talk very intimately (I would say "dirty" but that was only part of it) to him -- I know guy's brains are very graphic so I would talk to him about exactly what was going on inside me so he could kind of visualize it, then talk to him very graphically about cumming inside me. It definitely helped. You might find something like that useful, assuming you're up for it.
It sounds to me more like your DH has some psychological attachments when "problems" arise. They can be very, very difficult to verbalize. While you might know that he had a "trust" issue with his first wife, that doesn't mean he has trust issues with you. If he did have trust issues with you, triggered by something in a previous relationship, they are not issues by choice.
He could try to get some counseling to learn to deal with the emotions that he feels at certain times -- which are affecting his performance. Of course, it has to be his choice.
We all handle stress in our own ways. It may just take him longer to process or get his emotions in check after the two of you have a disagreement. That could just be his nature, KWIM?
Personally, I don't know that I've ever had "make up" sex. When I'm upset, I'm upset .... sex isn't on my mind. Depending on what has me so upset, or how the other person involved handles the situation, the length of time that I'm upset will vary.
Here are a couple of articles that might also help you learn new ways to communicate with him. Being able to verbalize things correctly will also help reduce the number of fights you have.
I think the trust issue comes in because we atually dated as teenagers and when he asked me to marry him the first time I said No and actualy quit seeing him.
Having more of the story is always helpful. I hadn't realized that you thought the trust issue was from your previous relationship with him.
In your original post, you said ...
"I feel liike I am being punished for fighting with him. I know this is a trust issue with him and I resent the fact that everytime we fight he feels he can't trust me and that feeling expresses itself in this way. Kind of ruins the make-up sex. Has anyone else ever had this problem with their partner?"
Have you tried talking to him about why he's having these types of feelings? Again, I think communication is the place to being if you want to work through this. It sounds to me like you're building up resentment toward him, and you feel he has no reason to not trust you. He needs to know how you feel, and he needs the opportunity to explain how he feels. Once that's all on the table, then the two of you can start working on the problem.
What has fighting got to do with "trust"?
I went through this with a very good bf a while ago. He was a superb guy, but he had a lot of negativity going on in his life -- e.g., he too had been recently divorced and his ex-wife was blatantly dating tons of guys in the community. Additionally, he had been highly sexually active from a young age and he was in his late 40s, and I believe that the sensitivity of his equipment wasn't what it had been. At any rate, he very often couldn't cum unless it was 2-3 days since the last time.
The way I partially solved this was just to talk very intimately (I would say "dirty" but that was only part of it) to him -- I know guy's brains are very graphic so I would talk to him about exactly what was going on inside me so he could kind of visualize it, then talk to him very graphically about cumming inside me. It definitely helped. You might find something like that useful, assuming you're up for it.
Welcome to the board, l84ad860.
It sounds to me more like your DH has some psychological attachments when "problems" arise. They can be very, very difficult to verbalize. While you might know that he had a "trust" issue with his first wife, that doesn't mean he has trust issues with you. If he did have trust issues with you, triggered by something in a previous relationship, they are not issues by choice.
He could try to get some counseling to learn to deal with the emotions that he feels at certain times -- which are affecting his performance. Of course, it has to be his choice.
We all handle stress in our own ways. It may just take him longer to process or get his emotions in check after the two of you have a disagreement. That could just be his nature, KWIM?
Personally, I don't know that I've ever had "make up" sex. When I'm upset, I'm upset .... sex isn't on my mind. Depending on what has me so upset, or how the other person involved handles the situation, the length of time that I'm upset will vary.
Here are a couple of articles that might also help you learn new ways to communicate with him. Being able to verbalize things correctly will also help reduce the number of fights you have.
3 Communication Pitfalls to Avoid
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,7mcw,00.html
Solutions to Your Top Two Communication Problems
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,saver_7p3g,00.html
How can I get my guy to listen?
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,guystellall_9nmljwsn,00.html
Get Through to Your Man: 5 Tips for Better Communication
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,84s,00.html
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I think the trust issue comes in because we atually dated as teenagers and when he asked me to marry him the first time I said No and actualy quit seeing him.
Having more of the story is always helpful. I hadn't realized that you thought the trust issue was from your previous relationship with him.
In your original post, you said ...
"I feel liike I am being punished for fighting with him. I know this is a trust issue with him and I resent the fact that everytime we fight he feels he can't trust me and that feeling expresses itself in this way. Kind of ruins the make-up sex. Has anyone else ever had this problem with their partner?"
Have you tried talking to him about why he's having these types of feelings? Again, I think communication is the place to being if you want to work through this. It sounds to me like you're building up resentment toward him, and you feel he has no reason to not trust you. He needs to know how you feel, and he needs the opportunity to explain how he feels. Once that's all on the table, then the two of you can start working on the problem.
Visit me on these boards
Let's Talk Toys
Let's Talk About Sex
~ visit my partners in the siggy exchange ~
Dealing with In-Laws ~ Renewing Your Vows
How pure are you?