Never Had Orgasm... Ever.
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| Wed, 07-23-2008 - 6:28pm |
I just told my husband, and of course, he is more than upset.
I have been married for almost 5 years, been with my husband for 7 years but he was not my first. In fact, I have had my fair share but never once had an orgasm. Not even by myself! Like I told him, I am tired of pretending. It's not that things don't feel good, just not good enough. Doing anything with anyone. I'm 28 years old and I feel like such an old hag, unsexy, teary-eyed and hell, just ready for the "big O". Isn't there a pill or a cream that could get me over that hump? Har.
My poor husband.
Am I the only freak out there? I feel like a total freak. I have my 15 month old daughter with me all the time, my husband works all the time now, going to a therapy session just isn't in the cards right now.

I know it was probably very difficult to talk to your DH about this, but it is something that definitely needed to be done. Statistics show that around 80% of women don't have orgasms during intercourse, so you're certainly not alone.
The best way for you to learn what you need to have an orgasm is through self-exploration. I'm 45 years old, and it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I was able to reach orgasm by using my fingers -- and I'm very multi-orgasmic in most other ways. It's really about finding what works for you.
The first place to start is with your mind. Take the pressure off of yourself to have an orgasm and just focus on enjoying the sensations you feel. That includes taking the pressure off of yourself to have your DH think you've had an orgasm for his benefit. Congratulations on taking that first big step!
An orgasm for a woman is very different than it is for a man. It's more of a feeling that you have to learn how to capture, yet you can't be searching for it. Very confusing, huh?
Here are some resources that might help explain it all a little better. You might want to share them with your DH after you've had a look at them:
Everything You Want to Know about Orgasms
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexorgasm/0,,traceycox_c4qgbvt5,00.html
Signs of the Big O
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexorgasm/0,,drpatti_2kt5,00.html
Although your DH is feeling hurt right now, what he needs to realize is he can't "make" you have an orgasm, nor can he "give" you an orgasm. He can "help" you have an orgasm, but the main burden really lies on you. A great site to take a look at is www.the-clitoris.com. It really explains a lot about the female anatomy and what you need to have an orgasm.
Since most women don't have orgasms during intercourse, foreplay is ever so important. Here's something you might find interesting:
""The University of Chicago did a survey ("Sex in America," 1994) which reported that less than one-third of females always orgasm during sex, compared to three-quarters of men. The survey also found these statistics changed quite significantly when a woman's partner spent 21 minutes more on foreplay: 9/10 women always orgasmed with more foreplay. This stat says it all."
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexorgasm/0,,askmen_cqf23r1s-5,00.html
Also, as I mentioned before, learning about yourself can make a huge difference in your experience. Make sure you set the mood with music, and a relaxing space. Add pornography, sex toys, a glass of wine -- whatever it takes for you to be in the mood and having your body want to be satisfied. (Speaking of that -- your DH needs to really listen to you when you say that just because you haven't had an orgasm doesn't mean you haven't enjoyed your sexual experiences with him. The two can exist without the other.) Here are some articles about self-exploration:
Know Thyself: The Female Form 101
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,traceycox_b6vtmjv3,00.html
Masturbation 101: 6 Tips for Solo Pleasure
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,drpatti_mskn,00.html
12 Secrets of Sensational Solo Sex
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,s4jv,00.html
I know there are a lot of things to read here, but take your time. Process each thing, relax and keep the pressure off. Pressure will be counter-productive for you -- the orgasm shouldn't be the goal, the pleasure should.
There's a lot of information buried within the threads here too. You can do a search in the box "find messages about", and by all means, feel free to keep asking questions. The members here are great about sharing experiences and advice!
Keep us posted on how you're doing too.
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I am an older, happily married man. My wife has never had an orgasm through intercourse. She felt that she was doomed to never experience an orgasm. However, through trial and error, over the years we have gotten her to orgasm like you wouldn't believe.
She needs a vibrator, the older type that fits over the entire hand with metal springs. Then she places her fingers which are vibrating from the vibrator on her clitoris. I then lay next to her with my head at her nipple level I suck the nipple closest to my mouth, and gently tweak the other nipple with two fingers. I still have another hand free,
#1....you are NOT a freak!