NEED HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
NEED HELP!
7
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 12:18am

Hey everyone,

I need some help with a situation. I am 30 and never been with a woman before. I have kissed girls, but never anything beyond that. Several months ago, after being single for a few months (my ex bf and I were together 5 years...I was excited to be single! I have always found both sexes attractive but gravitated toward men) I met a girl who was once with men but now calls herself a lesbian. We kissed that night and I had not seen her since (we have mutual friends but rarely run into each other). We kept in touch online on and off, with her initiating us "going on a date again" to which I got scared and kind of blew her off. Well, this past weekend, our paths crossed again and our mutual friends ended up going out together. The attraction was back and stronger than before. I found myself jealous when she talked to other girls, thought she spent most of the night flirting with me.

After staying at a club, We all went back to the mutual friend's house to crash. There were two beds and our mutual friends shared one and left us with the other. She asked me if I'd ever want to be with a girl and I said sure. She asked if we could pick up with "that kiss" from several months ago and I agreed. We ended up having sex. The unfortunate thing is, her guy friend spent the time attempting to join in...she seemed to not care and I began to feel like she would think I did it often, used them, or was trying to get to the guy. I messaged her saying I had fun but had not wanted the guy to be there- I only wanted her. So we messaged back and forth, and I just felt so bad because she was apologetic. She said to not worry- we'd "have a talk" at a party we are both going to on Friday.

After that, we mostly messaged about the party and whatnot. However, she DID tell me that while the rest of us were still drunk SHE had sex with me sober! I was surprised. I sort of said I expected to hear the "I was drunk" excuse, but she never messaged me back after that. She did send me a thing that said something like "You have the sexiest body to ever walk the earth...you are so hot...".

So, I am basically confused. I do not know what she is thinking or feeling. I do not want to ruin our new friendship or our mutual friendships. But, I do not want to find out that she just had sex with me but does not really like me. I do not know what to say or how to act at the party. She is VERY closed off and the other night, after sex, was the first time she opened up to me at all. She had said that she never stays with a girl after sex, but she wanted me to stay and she spent the rest of the night looking into my eyes and talking...I do not know how to read her! I can't even figure out what I would want because I have always been with guys and do not want to put myself out there just to be let down?

I hope someone with more experience can give me some insight...Did she just wanna have sex? Why wait until the party to talk? Does she like me?

Thanks!!!

(ps- no one on the bisexual boards lol)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: gurlygurl1977
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 6:20am

I'm not sure how you make the leap from the guy friend wanting to join in, to assuming that she felt used or that you did this often? I think that I missed something there. In fact, I think that there are a few things that you aren't clear about in your post.

Well, by her words I'd say that she's into you and wants to see you again and pursue something with you. She wouldn't be sending you txt messages like that if she didn't want something further to happen. Perhaps she is reserved because she has some of the same issues that you do - perhaps she senses your insecurity and resistance to "putting yourself out there" and that makes her hesitate in return?

Then again, maybe she does only want sex? In many ways this is no different than if you were dating a guy. You have to figure out what motivates the other person and what it is that they are looking for while making what you want clear in return.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: gurlygurl1977
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 6:55am

Welcome to the board, gurlygurl.

I agree with Westridge, you're post is a bit confusing. I'm having a difficult time following different parts of it, like when you go from saying the two of you had sex to saying that she had sex with you while she was sober and you were drunk. You also didn't mention how she reacted to the guy being there.

There are a lot of people who want to have casual sex, and some of those people are okay with both sexes, or multiple partners. If you don't want to have a casual thing going, then you need to be upfront about that with her. If you're concerned about it putting too much strain on your friendship, or within your circle of friends, then I'd have that conversation before I let things progress any further.















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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
In reply to: gurlygurl1977
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 8:37am

Thanks ladies,

I didn't give any more detail for fear of it being even longer! haha But, since it is not clear...she went to the bathroom and came out to find the guy (her friend) there and seemed ok with it except for the fact of saying that if she "had one of those" she "wouldnt need him".

And my reasoning for thinking that she might believe I did it often or was using her is prolly because I grew up in a very religious household that taught me sex outside of marriage (and sex with the same sex) is using people for personal pleasure.

I hear and have seen that she is very shy with girls and seemed to be with me the two times we have gone out. So I did not think she was using me until people suggested it as the reason she didn't feel the need to see or speak to me much until the party.

I hope that clears some things up...sorry I was not clearer! And thanks again for your input!!! :)




Edited 7/25/2008 6:03 pm ET by gurlygurl1977
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: gurlygurl1977
Sat, 07-26-2008 - 1:41am

:-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
In reply to: gurlygurl1977
Sat, 07-26-2008 - 10:55pm

Thanks ladies and gentlemen ;o)

The situation did not go well. There was so many people at the party and everyone was drinking so it was not an atmosphere to talk. Because it was my friend's party too, I stayed at the house to help clean up and catch some sleep before we left the next morning. But, all thruout the party we didn't talk or see each other much. I was kind of hurt because she knew I didn't know most of the people there, but I was ok until the next morning when she asked me my name. SHe said it was a joke but I didn't see it that way. I was also upset that we never had our chat. Our mutual friend must have said something to her because she came over to talk to me and apologized. She said she was joking about not knowing my name and that she drank too much and just wanted to sleep it off- that it was nuthin against me.I said I know but I was waiting all week to talk to you.

So- long story, short...she was too drunk to really communicate effectively and every time we started to get somewhere someone interrupted us. From what we did discuss...she said several times that she was sober when she was with me sexually and that meant she knew what she was doing and it was a good thing. However, she said lots of "straight" girls have liked her in the past and they always leave her and go back to men. She said she didn't think that I was really ready/ into being with girls. I asked her why and she said it was just a feeling. She also said she checked up on me on my myspace profile and saw I flirt with alot of guys. SHe must have read through all of my stuff on there, but I still don't know what she is referring to because I am not interested in or flirting with any guys right now. She also said that I didn't touch her during our sexual contact. But, I was drunk (and I never drink much!) and her male friend kept trying to get in on it. AND it was my first time with her or any girl. I also told her I grew up in a very strict religious household and I hate it when people tell me that they don't really think I like girls. I mean why would I lie about it? We hung out all day with our mutual friends (something happened that we had to be together all day..another long story). She let me lay in her lap on the ride home and we kissed on the mouth when we said goodbye but thats it, aside from a little flirting here and there.

I felt like the whole time she was avoiding me or watching me to see my reaction to her. I could tell she liked what I was wearing and she liked my cooking when I made food for everyone. But, I just felt like she was very cautious as though she truly believes I don't really want to be with women.

Is she holding back because she has been hurt by so-called straight women before and has assessed that I am not ready (in her mind)? OR am I completely mis-reading signals over the past few times we have hung out and she really is just not interested?

She does not have a cell phone right now and we will not see each other again unless it is planned. The only way I have to communicate with her is thru myspace. I do not know if I should just drop it because if she wanted me she would've taken my hints? Or if I should say something to her in a message and then what do I say?

Sorry, all, I am just really down tonight. I had such a great time this weekend aside from the fact of still being in the dark about this girl. I really never felt this strongly for any girl and I really like her. I don't know what to do or say!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: gurlygurl1977
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 4:18am

Is she holding back because she has been hurt by so-called straight women before and has assessed that I am not ready (in her mind)?


I would say that is exactly the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
In reply to: gurlygurl1977
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 8:50am

Rather than asking everyone here about their opinions about the encounter that the two of you had, you need to step up to the plate and speak to her in a non-sexual environment and talk about your questions and concerns. This type of talk would be better done at Starbucks or some other type of public venue. You don't want to discuss this at a party, in the bedroom, or some other place where one of you will have the excuse later that one or both of you were drunk.

Discussing this with her is the gold standard, everything else is just background noise.