Is it hopeless or can I fix it ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Is it hopeless or can I fix it ?
14
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 3:48pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we've been through a lot of challenges together! He is always very loving and supportive and has been helping me to heal from my after math of being sexually abused as a child, and being in unhealthy relationships. I have been cheated on , betrayed , lied to , emotionally , mentally , verbally and physically abused in the past . I have been through counseling for this and it helped a lot , but I am still having problems with having sex and being affectionate with my boyfriend .

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 4:21pm

I would first like to say I'm sorry you're going through this. You say that you've already done the counseling, have you stopped and what happened? It doesn't really sound like it really helped you. Would it be possible to see someone else and have your bf go with you? It's something that if you both want the relationship to work, you're both going to need to work on it.


It's not something that can be fixed over-night. It took a while for it to get where it is, so it will take a while to over-come. Try doing things slowly. Try just walking up, pinching his butt and giving him a sensual kiss on the mouth. Next time, try rubbing his crotch. Take little steps.


As far as him fantasizing about others... I would think lots, not all, people do this. I don't see anything wrong with it unless he tries to make them actually happen. Although I am surprised that he told you, especially after all you've been through.


I'm sure others will be along with more help.


HUGS

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 4:54pm

We have both been working together to try to heal all my scars , it's tough at times but I'm glad I found this sight ! It is nice to get oppinons of people from differnt walks of life! My councilling has helped a great deal to help me move forward and to stop living with the flash backs , But it doesn't really help me build self esteem or sexual confidance :( My BF has been SO paitient with all of this , and very loving and understanding , We talk about the feelings I go through and he respects me 100% . It's just hard for me to look into

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 5:20pm

I have known someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 8:56pm

I'm glad that the counselor was able to help some to move forward, but I still think it would be beneficial to see one to help you work through your self-esteem problems. I know, that's where I'm at now. I don't like me, and so I think how can anyone else? I



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 9:21pm

Welcome to the board, RM. I'm glad you found us too!

I know you say you tried counseling, but as nhgal pointed out it might be good for the two of you to have some counseling sessions together. As supportive as your BF is being, he's probably not trained to be able to help you with everything that you are dealing with. It's adding stress to the relationship for both of you, which will ultimately end up causing more problems.

Abuse is not something that heals quickly, and there is more to the healing than just having a lover who will help you to become comfortable again. Before you will be able to move forward, you have to learn how to trust again too. I'm not talking about the kind of trust where you feel he won't cheat on you -- I'm talking about the kind of trust that he won't do you any kind of harm. Even in great relationships without this sort of baggage, that trust takes a while to develop. The more you are able to trust him, the more you will be able to open up to him in all areas, including sexually.

The task he has taken on is a difficult one. It sounds like he's feeling guilty for finding others attractive too. It's very healthy for adults to have sexual fantasies, but it sounds like he might be a little confused too. It could be that he feels guilty because he thinks it will hurt you, and because he feels that the condition of your sex life is what's causing him to have fantasies. While that may be true -- it's also not true. As mentioned before, fantasy is a healthy aspect of human sexuality.

It's not easy for any of us to step out of our comfort zone, but time and time again, it proves to be a good direction to take. With each step, you build confidence to take the next step. Even small steps can seem monumental sometimes, but once they are behind you, you realize that it wasn't quit as difficult as you thought it would be.

Someone else mentioned masturbation. Do you masturbate currently? If so, are you able to touch yourself in front of your BF during sexual encounters with him? Masturbation helps us feel comfortable with ourselves, sexually, and helps us to bring more into a sexual relationship.

Do you have fantasies about what you would like to do with your BF sexually? If so, are you able to share those fantasies with him? I know you mentioned that the two of you are completely honest with each other, hopefully you are in this area as well.

I'm going to include a couple of articles here for you to read ...

Know Thyself: The Female Form 101
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,traceycox_b6vtmjv3,00.html

Masturbation 101: 6 Tips for Solo Pleasure
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,drpatti_mskn,00.html

Also, you might want to visit this messageboard:

Sexual Abuse Healing
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhsexabuse

The CL there is just terrific!

I don't know the basis of your sexual abuse, but here are a couple of other boards you might find helpful too:

Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcrisis

Domestic Abuse Support
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhabuse

Be sure to let us know how you're doing, and ask more questions as they come up too. There are a lot of resources here at iVillage, I'll be happy to share any that I think might be helpful to you.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 9:44pm

There is one thing I can see - the crap that you have had to endure is getting in the way ofyou having a satisfying sex life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 10:19pm

I know you said you went to counseling for all you've been through and it helped you a lot but have you talked to your therapist specifically and in detail about the sexual issues you have?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 10:34pm

hello issytish,


Everything that you have said is everything that I feel , I would like to be able to go to sex therapy to resolve these issues , the thing is it's very expensive and I just don't have the money to go !! That's why I was hoping I could get some solutions from here ,until I am able to pay for a therapist.


Just reading your story has given me hope that eventually I can and will be healthy , So for this I thank you very much!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 11:31pm

Thank you again for all the support,


He has only had a couple of serious relationships before me , and he is also younger then me , I'm 26 , he's 21. He is very open with me and will tell me anything if I asked , He and I used to be romantic when we first got together , but we haven't had much romance in a long while. Come to think of it we were a lot more affectionate with each other when we showed each other we were appreciated !!! I do read a lot it is one of the ways I rid myself of stress and negative thoughts . I would like to try and see if romance books would be of any help , I've never read them before , would you be able to recommend any for me? thanks again :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 12:03am

I have been reading your thread with a little hesitation to say much as I dont really have any advice, but I have been in your shoes as well.

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