don't know what to do...please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
don't know what to do...please help!
4
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 11:30pm

I've been with my bf now for 2 years and in the beginning of our relationship...he made it seem to me that he didn't have a problem sexually.He would tell me that he could go on and on...well as we got further into the relationship is when he became more truthfull with me and said that he had to take pills to keep his erection.He said that he had had this problem for awhile...before I was even with him...anyways...at first we would have sex twice a week and he would initiate it at times....now he doesn't want to have sex with me at all...he says that its a very sensitive issue.i haven;t had sex in over 7 months!! I have told him that he needs to talk to someone...or at least if he knows what his problem is....why doesn;t he want to take something for it?I am very sexually fustrated because I feel that he doesn't care about me only about himself because he's not making any effort to deal with the problem.He's 33yrs old...I would say an alcoholic becuase he drinks EVERY weekend..I know that can effect the libido...


How can I talk him into seeing how important this is!I had one point almost went 1 year without having sex with him so its not that I don't love him because I know that most people would have already bailed long time...its just that I want him to deal with it...its not going to go away...I also wonder if he/s just not attracted to me enough to WANT to fix his problem?Please help...I'm at my last rope!


Oh...and another note...I use to have vaginismus...look it up.


I didn't have sex with my then ex for almost our entire relationship UNTIL I found a doctor that help me overcome my fears.She suggested having me and my partner do some excercises together and it worked.In time I lost my virginity to him BUT at age 29 so I understand what it feels like to deal with a sexual issue.BUT with my ex...I was always trying to do other things beside intercourse...with my now bf....he doesn't want to try anything!! I want a healthy sex life.How can I get him to understand how important that is to me and for us?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 12:52am

He KNOWS how important it is to you....and to the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 1:52pm

Welcome to the board, honestgirl.

I think Sakura's post definitely leans toward the same things I would say here. He's taken pills in the past, so obviously it was something he tried to fix at that time. Doctors are available to help patients, not judge them. Have you offered to go to a doctor with him? Maybe that would help.

While alcohol can cause problems, I wouldn't guess him to be an alcoholic. A lot of people drink on the weekends and manage to have healthy sex lives at the same time. However, if the weekends are the only times that the two of you have to relax and spend the time you might need having sex, then drinking during those times might be something he's doing to help avoid having to deal with the problem at hand.

I would be sensitive to him in the fact that it's a touchy topic, but my sensitivity would run out with his lack of interest in fixing the problem. Have you asked him what he expects of you? Like does he expect you to remain in a sexless relationship?





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 6:59pm

I have said to him about us going together to talk to a doc about it.


I do need to ask him what he expects of me because I think that I have been very patient and he is being selfish.


Oh.. and he is an alcoholic...he drinks to get drunk..he;s hurt himself...I've seen the bruises..and its every weekend.This isn't someone who has a couple of drinks...he drinks to get drunk.


So I have that to deal with too!!!


Anyways thanks for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 9:43pm

Maybe you could ask at your own doctors office for some pamphlets on Erectile Dysfunction and then sit down with him to read them, or leave them for him to read. I'm sure they would have an approach in them that would help him realize that it's a fairly common occurrence.

Here are some links that I have as well, if you want to look at them on the web, or can get him to look at them:

How Stuff Works: Erectile Dysfunction
http://health.howstuffworks.com/how-erectile-dysfunction-works2.htm

Wikipedia: Erectile Dysfunction
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erectile_dysfunction

Net Doctor: Impotence
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/impotence.htm

Medicine Net: Causes of Impotence
http://www.medicinenet.com/impotence_ed/page2.htm#cause

Mayo Clinic: Erectile Dysfunction
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/erectile-dysfunction/DS00162/DSECTION=3

iVillage Total Health: Erectile Dysfunction Affects 18 Million US Men
http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/diet-fitness/erectile-dysfunction-affects-18-million-us-men.html