One for the boys...
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| Wed, 09-17-2008 - 5:01pm |
About a year ago my h had a heart attack (no sympathy please!) Now, of course, he is one various meds and even found out that he is a type 2 diabetic (which will turn to a 1 if he doesn't start following the carb count better!)
I am so danged mad at him because it seems like lately he MUST have porn to get an erection. I know that with some of the meds he's on, they could finally be getting to the point that maybe he is having trouble on his own. Then again, could it be that lately he's come to rely on porn enough to get himself off (if you saw how he takes up an entire king sized bed AND snores like steam engine!) you would understand why I don't sleep in the same bed as him. I have gone in to cuddle from time to time and it's lead to fun but it doesn't even seem that 'playing' with him or any kind of touch seems to really do much for him. He's got it in his head that he must have porn!
He will be going to the doc one of these days to talk about all of his meds and stuff and he's even mentioned getting something to help him.
In fact, the other morning our bed had been taken over by 'midgets' and we were in the front room where the computer is and he brought up a porn site even though he was starting to get an erection.
I'm beginning to think that some of it might all be in his head since he seems to rely on the porn so much, but then again, some of it could be the drugs. Or...could it be both? Whatever it is, it's killing my self esteem and I'm not liking it one bit.
What do you think?


I think porn is something that is difficult for many women to understand. In many respects, we're raised to think of it as dirty, disgusting, belittling. As an adult, we have to decide for ourselves what does and doesn't work within our bed and our marriage. Personally, I've found a lot of what I was taught to be wrong, or at the very least, wrong for me.
Porn is really nothing more than an instant fantasy. While your DH might not share his fantasies with you, they are still there. Fantasy is a very healthy part of sexuality. For me, so long as the porn isn't getting in the way of my partner having sex with me, then I'm fine with it -- even if I have to convince myself that I'm fine with it. I wouldn't want DH sitting around watching porn all the time, but in all honesty, I'm the one with the porn collection in our house!
Years ago I walked in on DH watching a video and masturbating. We hadn't been married long, and I was totally shocked. Naive is really more what I was, and it took me years to fully understand that. I was never really upset about the porn -- I was jealous that he was having a sexual release without me. My jealousy wasn't fair, it wasn't based on anything other than what I saw that one time, and it certainly didn't stop me from having my own solo time. I can still have trouble with the jealousy bug, but I'm better able to realize what it is and deal with it now.
Never, never, never did I ever feel his interest in porn was about me. Since I watch porn myself (now), I can relate to that even more. It's a sexual aid, not much different than a vibrator. I know when I watch porn, I don't look at the people on the screen and wish I was doing anything with them .... but I do often think about what's being done to them and how it would feel if it was being done to me. I usually don't have any thoughts about who might be doing it to me in my fantasy world, but when I do have a person in that place, it's usually DH or a past lover (the other times, it's my faceless lover that appears in many of my fantasies with or without porn).
How do you feel about watching porn with him? It can be a lot of fun to incorporate it into your sex life if you're okay with that. Sometimes just the sounds are enough to add some spice, sometimes it's fun to try and do the same thing they're doing in the video, and sometimes it's fun to have your partner stimulating you while you're watching the porn.
With the conditions he's having, ED isn't uncommon. It's great that he's going to talk with his doctor about medicine. He may or may not be able to use meds, so please make sure he listens to his doctors advice about that.
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Misty, don't get me wrong. I have no problem with him watching porn once in a while. In fact, once in a while I catch myself sneaking a peek (I can't believe there's actually some THAT big!).
As a nurse I do understand that after almost a year on those meds, even though a couple do mention 'sexual side effects' more towards the bottom of the list, that there could be enough of it built up in his system that they could be 'taking effect' in that area. I'm not totally unsympathetic here.
I do know that lately he seems to really rely on the porn to 'get there' and that is what frustrates me. Having a sit down job I have put on a few pounds in the past couple of years (maybe 10-15) because I don't exercise like I know I should and used to (don't seem to have the time anymore) so I guess in that way it kind of takes a shot at my self esteem.
I also understand that if he is truly having ED problems that the porn is what is working for him until he can get to the doc to do something about it. I have no problem with him taking something. If it revs up his libido to where he's not calling me a horney old b**** when I go to put my arms around him, heck, I'm ALL for it! :)
I think my main question was, in the original post, is it possible for a guy to get to a point that they start depending on the 'help' of movies to get them 'started'. (I was really kind of frustrated when I wrote that first post).
I do know that later in the month we will see if he does get put on something. I always go to his appointments with him. That way I know exactly what the doctor said.
Maybe I should do a post asking what men think of ED drugs or even Enzyte (he keeps joking about getting something like that ;)
Thanks again Misty! Your post really help to open my eyes as to what I had originally posted.
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Hi SSS!
Just adding my 2 cents - Type 2 diabetes in men can also be associated with ED.
Thank you for reminding me that even the type 2 can affect things. You would think that I would know most of this and I do when I'm giving advice or working but there's something when it affects you directly you don't always seem to think about those things.
Thanks again!
You're starting to get me excited about the idea of getting him started on some! ;)
No problem - you're very welcome!
I hope it's a fix for the problem as well!