He's lost interest

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
He's lost interest
7
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 11:28am

Hi! I don't usually post on message boards, but I have an issue that has me perplexed and I was hoping someone could give me some good advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. In the beginning, the sex was incredible.


We basically live together but he hasn't moved all of his stuff in. We are looking to buy a home together and he just bought us a puppy. Lately, he has been distant in and out of the bedroom when it comes to getting down and dirty. It used to be a daily thing, he couldn't wait to get a piece of. In the morning, afternoon, or at night. Now, when I get home from work, he starts saying how tired he is and goes to bed early.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 3:10pm
He doesnt like to discuss these things but unless you get to the facts of the matter you are chasing your tail. If he doesnt want to discuss even after you tell him that the fate of the relationship rests in his ability to communicate (as all good relationships do) then he is not emotionally available for a relationship and will not contribute to grow what you already have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 3:46pm

Welcome to the board, Virgogirl.

I think a lot of people have fluctuations in their libido, and there are also things that can contribute. Stress is a big factor -- like changes at work or living conditions, taking on new responsibilities, financial matters, etc. If he has problems with depression, the change of season can often initiate an onset that could affect his libido as well.

Most couples do slow their pace down after a while, so that would explain the all the time thing, but it doesn't usually make all of the interest get brushed aside.

A lot of people do find this sort of thing difficult to discuss. I definitely wouldn't sit back and wait for him to make all the moves. Usually the more sex gets put on the back burner, the more difficult it is to get it in focus. I would consider trying to talk with him about how you're feeling. Of course, that conversation should take place outside of the bedroom, when sex isn't on the table. Maybe just start a conversation by asking him if everything is okay. He may respond with something that helps you understand what's going on. If he just says things are fine and brushes the conversation off, ask him if he has noticed that the two of you don't seem to be having sex as often. Then just give him an opportunity to respond.

If the conversation progresses from there, be sure to not be accusatory in what you say. If he feels that you're blaming him, he'll likely shut down. Use statements about what you want or need (I need, or I would like ...), and be open to thinking of ways that both of you can put forth effort to getting back on track.





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 12:00pm

Thanks for all the great advice. Last night went ok. I tried to keep the mood light. While I was cooking dinner he brought up the fact that he has been extremely tired and he was ready to go at it again.


I've been having some issues down south with auntie flo staying around longer than usual. As in, it's been almost two weeks now this month and it was about three weeks last month. (Been to the doc and everything about it)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 2:20pm
Have you tried the Instead Menstrual Cups? It can take some getting used to to place them correctly, but honestly, when using them, you hardly know you have a period! You can also wear them for a fairly long duration, which means you can shower after putting one in and stay clean for hours .... and they can be worn during intercourse, leaving no mess behind.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 3:06pm
No, I haven't tried them. Where do you get them? Can he tell you have one in? Can he perform oral with it in?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 5:36pm

They can be difficult to find, but their website does have both on-line and brick & mortar retailers.

http://www.softcup.com/

When you visit their website, there's a video that begins playing and explains the product and how to use it. (You might want to be alone when you visit the site.)

Most people are able to have sex while wearing them, and they go unnoticed; however, if they aren't seated properly, he may feel it, or find it uncomfortable. Since you're clean and odor free, oral is fine, but I think you would need to feel comfortable and used to using the product before you want to venture there.

I definitely think they are worth giving a try! I know I've used them with great success ;-)





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 8:25pm
I also use the Instead menstrual cups. You can buy them at Walmart and most grocery stores. They are really great! My uterus sits to the left a little, so sometimes they can be really noticable during sex - not for me, but for my partner. You could also try having sex in the shower when you are on your period. May make things a little more interesting when it's hanging around longer than usual.