No sexual lust because of respect?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
No sexual lust because of respect?
3
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 12:56pm

I have been with my bf for almost 2 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 1:21pm
Some guys see a distinction between the 'good girl' they want to be in a relationship with, and the 'bad girl' they want to have raunchy, no holds barred sex with, and have difficulty reconciling those two images in the same person. It sounds like your BF might have something like that going on. It isn't at all that he doesn't find you attractive, he just sees you as the 'good girl'.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 2:22pm

Hi sumrlynn. Nice to meet you. The people here are great, so stick around and jump in anytime.


May I ask how old you both are? I thought the same thing steve said about "good girl" vs "bad girl". He's with you so it's obvious that he loves you and finds you attractive, so please don't think that. Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about this? Explaining that you want to be his "bad girl" behind closed doors?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 2:50pm

Welcome to the board, Sumrlynn.

I think the good girl/bad girl theory is a possibility, but age could also be a factor. You didn't mention your ages, but here are some general thoughts ....

Have you ever watched porn with him? This will help you know what he's interested in, and how he reacts to it. He may like watching something that you're not into, but perhaps the porn can play as part of the fantasy when the two of you are together. One thing that you could suggest is that each of you select a porno, or that you take turns selecting porn. Try to mix up the things that you select so that he won't feel confined with his own selection.

If he's mentioning his age, there could be a couple of things there. Perhaps he is having some performance issues. Masturbating to porn, when alone, can allow him to not feel pressured to perform. If he's having any issues with ED (which he may find difficult to discuss), during masturbation, he doesn't require a full erection to reach his goal. If you suspect he's having any kind of performance issues, suggest he talk with his doctor, especially since those issues could be a sign of a more serious health condition.

It seems that you think he does have a high enough libido, but again, it could be that his libido is less than yours. He might enjoy looking at porn, he might be trying to get himself in the mood, but it doesn't mean that he'll always be instantly on. Also, if he's spending a great deal of time masturbating, then that can affect his libido as well.

Have you talked with him about his porn and/or masturbation habits? That might be a place to start. Maybe ask that he lay off of both for a couple of weeks and see if that makes a difference in the lust factor. If it does, then chances are, he needs to pace himself better.