Virgin Blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Virgin Blues
2
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 9:59pm
Im an 18 year old woman, who is a loving sexual relationship now but I feel like i don't deserve him. I feel like a user. I personally believe I started having sex really early as a result of sexual abuse that happened when i was 7. I started having sex around 15 with a ex boyfriend of mine. I waited six months into the relationship and then I decided that I was going to give my virginity up. I never loved him, even though we lasted for 2 years. He wanted the relationship more than I did and I was with him to try and make him happy. He was verbally abusive to me and emotionally manipulative. I ended up leaving him because it was getting violent between us and probably becuase I knew deep down inside I couldn't return the "love" he felt for me.( If it was even love) I met a guy shortly after him and I thought we clicked really well. Until one afternoon I went to go visit him in his house and I got into his bed and we ended up having unconsentual sex. Wen I tried to scream he put his hands over my mouth, and he kept going until he was finished and then he left me in the room for hours by myself. I had sex with him maybe 4 or 5 times after that then I stopped seeing him. I knew my now bofriend for almost two years from highschool and the other day we just started having sex and he told me much later into the relationship he was a virgin. My new man is like my best friend and I have VERY deep feelings for him. When I think about him and I together it makes me sad cuz I never thought I'd experience this type of love ever. All I knew was pain and manipulation from men. I don't feel like I deserve him. I feel ashamed to even be around him, he knows about my past and still loves me anyways but I can't erase the guilt that I feel. I felt like i should've saved it for him. But i never counted on me falling in love with him or in love period. I think I might have an addiction to sex too. I will sometimes have sex to erase my feelings of depression and guilt. I used to hear people say all the time to wait for the right person, and I used to think it was bull cuz I never thought I'd find the right person, cuz of the early molestation I didn't even consider myself to be a virgin, so I didn't think I was giving up anything, until i met my man...
well i felt like i had to share my story
questionz, or comments i'd gladly reply
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
In reply to: jelesig
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 10:48pm

Welcome to the board.


I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you when you were younger. I was 'raped' by my male sitter at a very young age (probably 4 or 5).


I know how things like that can bring up feelings in you. Any kind of abuse in anyway will suppress itself and you never know when it will decide to show up in your feelings and emotions.


The guy you are with sounds absolutely wonderful. And yes, you DO deserve him!


Have you considered going to counseling?


There are some good boards on iVillage with incredible people who have been and are where you are at in your life.


Sexual Abuse Healing

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: jelesig
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 7:19am

Welcome to the board, Jelesig.

(((((Hugs))))) for what you're going through. It can be a very difficult healing process. Lyn gave you some great info about that, and I definitely recommend that you visit the Sexual Abuse & Healing board.

Please try to remember that having a wrong done to you is not a reflection about who you are. You definitely deserve to have a great BF and to be happy.

As far as the virginity issue, it sounds like you're allowing other people to make you feel bad about that too. You're still young, and it's going to be easy for you to doubt yourself for the decisions you make. All of life is a learning process. Even if you feel you make a bad decision (or the wrong decision) use that gained knowledge to make better decisions in the future. If you're able to do that, regardless of what the topic is, then you're able to move forward and grow into a happy, healthy adult.

Good luck with your new relationship -- and remember you deserve to be happy.