Directing your date

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Directing your date
8
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 10:11am

Once a while back, I went out with a very nice looking woman who I had gone on several dates with. The first date included some heavy touching but then she made excuses that she had to leave. Later we went on a couple of dates in which one of them included a hand job but never intercourse. Finally, after a few weeks of waiting for our next date, I was very horny. I took he to a dinner and a movie and then took her home. We chatted a little and then she said she was tired and needed to let me go as she had a big day the next day. It seemed like our relationship wasn't going anywhere even though she was willing to go out with me.

I'm sure she saw the frustration on my face and she asked what was wrong. I told her I thought I would at least get a ......and then she finished my sentence by saying a bj. I said yes. She then unzipped my pants and said ok, but then I had to go. She pulled my pants down and went to her knees. She then sucked me dry. It was a good bj but then brought my pants up and told me I had to go. While it was good to get the bj, it was frustrating that it didn't turn into more than that. Also, it was clear at that point if it didn't appear clear before that, was that she wasn't really interested.

Has anyone had this kind of experience?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 10:41am

Not wanting to get TOO intimate doesn't equate lack of interest!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 2:43pm

I'm not sure that it was clear that she wasn't interested. Perhaps she felt somehow obligated to give you a BJ. Maybe she wanted to get to know you better before getting more intimate (as in having intercourse) with her. Sometimes women don't view oral as "sex", it also doesn't expose her body to you if she's shy about that sort of thing. Some women think sex is just for men, and maybe that's what she was thinking. Maybe she had her period .... maybe could be any one of thousands of reasons.

Did you ever call her for another date?

Personally, if I would have given a guy a BJ and then never heard from him again, I would have been inclined to think his intention was just to see me for sex, or he wasn't satisfied with the BJ.

I don't understand the mixed signals, myself, but that's because it's not how I operate. I'm either interested or not, and I don't have any bad feelings about myself for becoming intimate with someone. Not all people are able to feel that way though.





iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 3:42pm

I did ask her out a few more times. Not even sure just how many. I think one problem is that we lived about an hour away from each other at least. It was a bit of a hassle to get together for a date. She often would say you was interested but was busy this weekend or whatever which kept me interested enough to call back later.

I finally decided to call her bluff to see how interested she was in the relationship and told he I was going to date her exclusively. About a week later, she broke it off. It was a weird relationship. It started out by me telling her that I wanted to just date around. She said that was fine but that she would be exclusive. I told her that was up to her. But after a couple of dates, I really liked her. She was pretty and fun. One obstacle was that she was in the food business and got up extremely early for work so she needed to get to bed early. Our schedules just weren't compatible.

At any rate, it just didn't work out but was interesting while it lasted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 3:46pm

She actually told me that she didn't want to have intercourse because she was afraid of getting too attached. I honestly didn't believe her at the time. I thought it sounded strange in a way to me. It just seems that if you are attracted to someone and you want to develop a serious relationship then sex might enter into it after a few dates. It's wasn't like I was asking her to have intimate sex on the first date.

It also seemed strange that once swallowing my love juice that she would not want to do other things as well.

Hard to understand you women sometimes. One woman will go for it, others won't.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 4:58pm

You had a very strange experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 12:03am

It's hard to understand other people, period, male OR female.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 10:22am

Well, let me answer your questions. First, let me say that I met her online on a matchmaking site, don't remember which one. But her profile sounded like one of a woman that wasn't going to make you wait a long time for sex. Her e-mails before dating were flirtatious and funny.

So it's not necessarily that I expect sex for date although I see why you would ask. But after a few dates or more, I would expect something sexual. Why? One reason, is that I was horny as hell at the time. Secondly, I was very turned on by her and it would be good to know she felt the same way. Dates are expensive and why bother if the relationship isn't going to really go anywhere. At the time, I wasn't necessarily looking for a wife, but someone to date and have fun with and yes, to have sex with. I thought she felt the same way so was surprised when it took much encouragement to get her to do anything.

I wouldn't mind waiting a while for sex if I really had the feeling the person I was dating felt like this was maybe going to be a long-term relationship. It depends maybe on why we are waiting.

Anyway, by the time I was telling her I expected at least a bj (I had never told a woman that before) I was getting frustrated by the mixed signals she was giving me. I don't think she was very serious about the dating and was basically leading me along.

Part of her willing to give me a bj in a relationship that she wasn't really taking that serious is hot. But afterward, when it is someone you are starting to care about, it feels meaningless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 5:22pm

While I understand where you are coming from, this is the way I see the situation:

You found her on a dating site and after reading her profile and emailing a couple of times, you came to the conclusion that she is a very sexual person. She probably is, but that doesn't mean that she jumps into bed with every person she finds attractive. You agree to go on a date with her, find her attractive and think that if she is attracted to you as well that, naturally, you will be having sex. Unless this was something the two of you discussed, she may have had a very different idea of what was going to happen.

She said that she did not want to get attached to you by sleeping with you, so she probably prefers to get to at least know her partners more than a few dates in before she sleeps with them - it does not mean she is uninterested. Especially with the long drive and her early work hours, which just make things more difficult for the two of you to get together and spend as much time as you would like. A few dates in and you are frustrated with the lack of sex and tell her so. She feels bad or perhaps obligated because of it so she gives you a BJ and tells you to leave.

You try to get together a few more times, but the dates and times do not work out because of the long drive and her busy schedule - which again does not mean that she is not interested, just that she is a very busy woman. You then tell her that you want to date her exclusively. She then breaks it off.

As far as this last part goes, if I had only been on a few dates with someone who lived so far away and they told me he was going to only date me, well, to me, that would mean he wanted to be my BF and I would break it off, too. If she wasn't ready to sleep with you yet, then she probably really wasn't ready to be in a relationship and what you said to her does sort of imply that. She may have ultimately been looking for somewhat of a FWB sort of relationship, but likes to know the person before she puts herself in that situation. Unless the two of you were communicating about all of this stuff, then it is hard to say what exactly was going on with her.

I do hope that this helps some, I hope I haven't come across as harsh. This is just how I view the situation and hope it may clear up some of your questions.