I just don't want it anymore.
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 10-07-2008 - 9:04pm |
I need help. I just don't want sex anymore. First a little background information. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. Of course, in the beginning it was hot and heavy and like most relationships it has cooled down a bit. Actually, it had cooled down a lot. It had never been easy for me to reach orgasm and we have tried everything. In the end I usually have to manually get myself off. He loves to give me oral but it takes so long that I get really frustrated and just tell him to stop. He said that he is willing to go on as long as it takes me to get an orgasm. After a while though I just get too frustrated and annoyed and just want him to get it over with. Sex isn't fun any more, I don't get any enjoyment from it. I just want him to get it over with so I can go to bed. I no longer want to have sex. We haven't had sex in over a month (luckily he has been sick lately so he hasn't been in the mood.)
I don't know what to do anymore. I think it's an emotional or physical thing but I'm not sure. I am on birth control and I have heard that can lower your sex drive. I also have some major self esteem issues that may be causing me some problems. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm so frustrated.


That's very sad!
Welcome to the board, Indigo.
It sounds like both you and your BF are putting pressure on you about having an orgasm. If you stop worrying about that -- for your own sake or his, you're more like to enjoy what's occurring between the two of you.
So, you're laying there thinking "I'm not going to have an orgasm; he really wants me to have an orgasm; I don't like the way I look; can't this just be over already". There's nothing in any of those feelings to enjoy. How about thinking "I really want to get him off; he's going to love it if I do this to him; damn he makes me feel good; I can't wait to feel him inside of me"? It all begins in the mind ...
That beginning occurs long before you reach the bedroom. What sorts of things do the two of you do outside of the bedroom to fuel your desire for each other, to feel passionate towards each other? How does he view you? Does he think you're sexy and hot, does he love you enough to not see your flaws?
You're the only person who can work on your self esteem, but you can hurt your relationship by letting your lack of self esteem be a focus. If he tells you look hot, take the compliment. Even if in your mind you think you don't, he doesn't need to know that.
Perhaps the two of you need to get back to some basics outside of the bedroom. You definitely need to let him know that he can't make you feel pressured to have an orgasm. For many women, orgasms don't just happen. It's pretty common to need manual stimulation of the clitoris, which either of you can provide. Maybe don't focus on him giving you oral, just focus on making out and having him finger you. If you really want to try to have an orgasm, try having it before intercourse in that fashion. If you get worked up enough, you're going to want to have intercourse -- and whether you orgasm or not -- you're still going to enjoy the event.
You can both take a look at the website the-clitoris.com. It has some great information about the female sexual response system. Also, here are some articles that you might find helpful:
AskMen.com Boost Your Sexual Confidence
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,askmen_bpksqgbs,00.html
Boost Your Body Image in the Bedroom
http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/boost-your-body-image-in-bedroom.html?nlcid=wh|01-08-2008|
"Why are my orgasms more intense during masturbation?"
http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/experts/carnal/qas/0,,638353_634298,00.html
5 Things That Can Ruin Your Sex Life (and how to avoid them)
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexconcerns/0,,traceycox_7slp2dh5,00.html
Birth control pills can definitely affect your libido. That's something you can discuss with your gyn. If you've had a check-up recently enough, he/she may even be able give you a prescription change over the phone. Sometimes, just a different brand of BCP will make a difference. You can also try a different type of BC altogether, just to see if it makes a difference.
Another thing you might want to do is start finding ways to think about sex more often. Reading the board is a great place to get inspiration, as is doing things that make you feel sexy. It can be as easy as buying a couple of nice bra and pantie sets to wear beneath your everyday clothing, or stepping into a pair of heels instead of sneakers.
Happy at Home ~ Have Hotter Sex/Ask Laura Corn