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| Tue, 03-29-2005 - 8:24am |
My heart is breaking…
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I am 23 and he is 19. I love him with all my heart and there is not a day that passes that puts into question my longing to be with him and have a life with him.
But… about 2 months ago he expressed his need to explore himself and to have an open relationship. Painfully I agreed because I do not want to hold him back from anything and really want him to discover whether of not he really does want to be with me in the end. But it is so painful. He has not done anything with anyone yet but the thought is breaking my heart. I wonder if we can ever go back to just being with each other and I feat never being able to have a life with him? I cannot stand living this way and yet I cannot stand to live without him.
I know wheatear to stay of leave will have to be a decision I make on my own but I am all alone in this and I could really use some support.
I am so in love and yet so heart broken all in the same moment. I am in pain…

Do you really believe love means walking around with a broken heart? That's not love.
Your BF is only 19. I have a 19 year old son. He's about as mature and ready for a committed relationship as a 12 year old. Most young men that age need to explore the world, and that means exploration of people and relationships. They see life as a big adventure and, for some guys, it takes quite a few years before they settle down.
You need to let him go and grow up. And you should look for guys who are older and looking for a relationship with more substance. At 23 you could be dating men anywhere from 23 to 30 and you'd be getting a relationship that is far more advanced and substantial than what you have now.
Yes, it hurts to let go, but really... to you really want someone who doesn't want you right now?
I understand your comment regarding his age and his commitment level. He himself knows that he is unable to commit 100% right now. But at the same time he does not want to lose me nor I him. We have talked about the possibility of leaving one another for a time with the hope of coming back together in the future but we are both unwilling to lose one another right now. The reason I agreed to this was so that we could remain together while he worked though his issues of freedom and exploration... with the hope that in the end we would still be together and be able to have a "normal" life together. We do talk about the future and the possibility of a full relationship together. But it is just so hard right now. It is my delema... because I want to give him the freedom he needs right now... the chance to "grow up" as it were and really know what he wants... but am also torn apart by it. I can't desided in my own head when enough is enough or how much time to give him. It is just so difficult waiting and hoping on a future while the present seems so upsetting.
As for his age and my being with him. I have not met anyone else who I connect with so well. Whose interests, passions, opinions, goals, etc match my own so well. That is why I am having such a hard time with this. He really is the person I want to be with and have a life with... regardless of the age difference... it is just so difficult being patient and trying to remain strong.
I am weak and just want to be happy.
Darlin' ... if you feel like you need to "give him the chance to grow up" ... then, give that to him and to yourself ... because you deserve more than sitting back and waiting for him to grow up. He's still a boy. Truly, he is.
The age difference isn't that drastic ... 4 years ... but, at 19 and 23, you could very well be waiting until you're 27 and he's 23 ... do you want to wait that long? Because, at 19 yrs old, it's going to take him a long time to "really know what he wants." (and generally speaking, in terms of relationships, women will "figure out" what they want before men will ... so, you really could be waiting a LONG time). And believe me, he's not going to be able to figure out what he wants out of a relationship without having relationships with other women. Our best lessons in life are through experience. Do you want to just sit back and watch?
And I also know that when we're young ... it's idealistic to believe that "love conquers all." Not to sound cynical, but love doesn't conquer all. It takes more than love. And it takes more than a "connection." It takes being at the same place in your lives, the right timing. So, no matter how connected and in love you are with him ... you aren't at the same place in your lives. You can wait for him to "catch up" ... but, at his age, I think you'll be waiting a REALLY long time.
Thank you for your responce. I completly understand what you are saying.
Just to clarify as well... the agreement was for us to both be "free" to have sexual relations with other people but not form additional relationships. He has expressed to me his need to explore himself sexually but said that he does not wish to have other "girlfreinds" or relationships as he is quite happy in that way.
Anyways... I suppose the question really is... how long am I willing to wait... and how much suffering am I willing to endure before enough is enough? Unfortunatly I don't know the answer to this.
This has been our agreement for the past 2 months and in that time he has not yet acted upon it. I suppose a part of me feels that since it was our agreement I should perhaps wait at least until he has "acted" out this need. I suppose neither of us will know how he will feel after that... perhaps he will feel quite differently about the whole situation... perhaps not... but it is hard to know when he does not yet know himself.
I suppose it sufficient to say that I am confused. We match on so many levels that it hurts to know this is the one thing that makes my heart sink to the floor.
Thank you though for your help and advice. I really don't have any one to talk to and it helps knowing others are there.
You haven't met anyone else you connect with because you're not trying. You're "waiting" for this guy to grow up. It has nothing to do with age difference, it has to do with maturity and being on the same page with someone. You have out-matured your BF and there is no way you can hurry that process with him. I did that with a guy many, many years ago. There was only a year and half difference between us, me being older, but when I reached 23 years old I out-matured him. I wanted something more in life than he did at the time, and 4 1/2 years invested with him was long enough to wait. It's up to you. You're 23 now. Do you want to spend another 4 or 5 years waiting for your BF to "find himself"? And what if you spend all that time waiting and he changes his mind about you? How are you going to feel if his exploration into life leads him to find someone else?
I think you're taking a serious time gamble with someone who isn't ready for the same sort of relationship you are. Give yourself space to explore while he's doing the same thing. Who knows? Maybe the two of you are destined to be together and you will come back together when the time is right. But if you're going to sit and wait for him to sow his wild oats, you're being very unfair to yourself.
Just one question.....
In say 6 months to a year........after your bf has slept with multiple women....are you truly going to be able to get over that? And continue where you left off?
I have known ppl to break up, for a year or two, and get back because one partner needed to explore. It can be done. However, what you're doing is sadistic.....to yourself. You are torturing yourself.
I honestly believe, that if he needs to explore, you need to be out of his life...for the time being. No friends, no lovers, nothing. Him alone, you alone. Maybe take a year break from each other and agree/promise to check back in one year to see where you are at.
If it's truly meant to be.........the timing will be right. Love or no love...it won't change the fact that he wants to sleep around, and you are heartbroken because of it.
Lastly........are you 100% sure he hasn't acted on it yet? Maybe he's just lying to you to protect you. If he does tell you about the women he's slept with, do you really honestly believe that will strengthen your r'ship with him?
Hugs. I know this is hard. but the best thing to do is to let him go. As they say, if you lvoe someone, let them go. Let him go, for at least a year. And then see where he's at.
Lastly, I agree w/a previous poster. Most likely, he won't be "ready" to truly commit until he's at least 23 or so. And by then...who knows how things will have changed. Unfortunately, at your age, 4 years is a HUGE MATURITY GAP.
Basically, you're giving him permission to cheat. That's what an open relationship is. I can't think of one good reason or thing that can come of this ... particularly, since you don't plan on being "open" yourself. It's self-serving on his part, so that he can have a few sexual conquests while you wait for him.
He's 19. He should be "out there" and experimenting (carefully). But, that doesn't mean you have to SHARE your b/f with other women.
The RIGHT thing to do for yourself would be to let him go while he does this. If, after a year, you guys still want to be together, great! In the meantime, you won't be torturing yourself and waiting on the sidelines.
Please, please respect yourself more than to permit him to have sex with other girls instead of just having the resolve to break it off with you. If he needs to go find himself (which he should at his age), fine ... let him. Just don't agree to pull yourself down in the process.
An open relationship... may work for some, but in my opinion it's just a way of not commiting and getting a little here, there and the emotional stuff at home.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
Honey I know exactly how you feel. I was put in this situation 5yrs ago with my daughters father. At the time he was 18 and I was 20 yrs old. That's the hard part about young love. Sometimes/most of the time one or the other partner wants to experience a life out there without you. It doesn't mean they love you less but it's something they feel they have to do.
Like I said I had to make the same choice as you when I was 20 and I had a child at home. But we were so young and things weren't going that great. But I new I had to let him go, I didn't want him to resent me or hating me in time if I made him stay. It hurt like hell and I made myself literally sick but I moved on for the best.
He hasn't been in a serious relationship since ours ended 5 yrs ago but he has his bedroom flings with other women. He is very strongly in my life still because we have a 7 yr old daughter, so I do see him every day. But I got a saying for you and I want to to keep it in your mind.
" If you love something with all your heart let it go, if it was meant to be it will come back to you"
See I loved my daughters father unconditionally and I wanted him to be happy. So I let him Go. But when you let them go you can't sit around waiting for them to call or come back. You have to move on with your life too and experience. Sometimes they come back and sometimes they don't. But you must be strong.
Good Luck!
Hugs
-Michelle