Am I done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Am I done?
55
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:20am

This is kind of an update and question. I posted before about my gfriend being distant and not being intimate for several weeks. Well the past couple of weeks she didn't even seem to want to spend time with just me in the way she did before. Her e-mails have gone down to maybe 1 short one or none if I don't write her. She still phones every night but very very late and she used to do phone earlier.

The context is that we used to e-mail 4 or 5 times a day and talk a lot of the phone, have great sex, she would make sure she spent an evening with just me and she would seem excited to see me. The change came when I had to stay with her for about a month. Then she became more distant. We had only been dating for about two months then. Now it is 3-4 months. The other night it was obvious I was upset by the whole thing so we talked about it. She told me that since she doesn't have any time alone, she feels we rushed things and that as a result her romantic feelings have gone away.

So now I have decided to give her space because I really want to work things out. She is amazing and it would be very sad if things didn't turn around. So I am not e-mailing her although I would respond to hers if she e-mailed me. I also will not phone because she likes her evenings to do her thing and I imagine will phone when she wants to talk. I also suggested that we only get together for dates in the next bit and not hang out for days on end or with groups of other people. I would like our relationship to change before hanging around with other people.

I guess only time will tell if she is finished with me or if this can be turned around. I am praparing myself pyschologically for this. When I left after the "month stay" she said she was feeling really sad like it was a breakup even though she feels this will maybe be better in the long term for us staying together. Maybe she just needs some time to figure things out. But then again I have never heard of somone asking for alone time or space and then coming back to the passionate state they were before so I am kind of worried.

In people's experiences is there hope or is this pretty well ruined because we rushed it or because she just lost interest? Am just clinging on to hope where there is none.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: catalone2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:29am

I have no answers nor any advice for you. But all I can say is stay strong..and here's a big hug for ya!!!


Good luck.






my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:42am
Thanks so much. I am pretty patient but also just preparing for anything. Fortunately I have a couple of friends who know about this and they are now mking a lot of effort to call me and fill up the time I am not with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
In reply to: catalone2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:01pm

Hello, I was in a situation like this last year. My xbf and I hit it off so quick and became exclusive so fast and our relationship was like an volcano erruping it was so hot and steamy. Him and I were on cloud nine, we thought and felt like we were soulmates and we felt like everything was perfect. It was a great rush. We started spending only Sat. together and him and I would complain during the week because we miss each other so bad.

Then the sat. became into Fri & sat. and then his friends started getting pissed cause he was inviting me out on their guys night (fri & sat's I was also spending the night) then that wasn't enough for both of us because we still missed each other durning the week so we started seeing each other more durning the week and that was also spending the night.

and we only were together from Feb 14th 2004 to July 7th 2004. I mean we really rushed into things and then he broke up with me on July 7th. He claimed that we were moving too fast and he needs some space and if we were meant to be then we would get back together. Well I did kindof agreed with him, it was moving way to fast and I deep down was starting to get bored w/ the relationship, and I told him that and he flipped out. But he was just as guilty as I was with the moving too fast. But I guess we are not meant to be together because he broke up with me july 7th and now it's almost the beg. of april and there has been no contact. But I was crushed at first but I got over it, and now that the rose colored glasses came off , I'm kindof glad it didn't work out.

Good Luck! I wish you the best!

-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 5:36pm
It feels even more like she is finished with me. Last night I didn't hear from her at ll. I finally broke down this morning sending a very short e-mail saying I missed talking to her last night. She replied saying that she went out and got home late aftr drinking and just had to go to bed. Perhaps legitimate but every other time this has happened in the past she has told me before she was going out and who she was going out with and she would leave a message saying she was out or she would phone me after. I was just left guessing. Anyway she asked me to e-mail her back so I did and I sked her if she thought about getting together on the weekend (I previously asked her last weekend as well). She didn't respond to my e-mail and she is going out tonight so I probbly won't be talking to her. She says this alone time will make her appreciate me more but it just feels like she is pushing me to the margins of her life and not really being considerate that the transition is impacting me emotionally. There are better ways for her to get space that wouldn't create so much anxiety for me and wouldn't make me think everything is done. Part of me wants still hopes and wants to think that this is leading to her bcoming more affectionate in the future and another part thinks this is just the framework for moving on. There isn't anybody else. Right now I am just competing with her single life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 5:47pm

It sounds like she is slowly pushing you out, until YOU walk away, leaving her to be the one that doesn't have to do it.


I'm sorry, but I think it's time you seriously thought about ending this. I mean, you can only do so much. And when a person wants "space" to go out everynight on the weekdays and drink, it sounds like they don't want a bf or anything serious. OR, they want that comfort of knowing they're there, but only when they want.


Hugs. It's time to let go. That's my two cents. Nothing has gotten better since you have first started to post, if anything, it's gotten worse. And lastly, her not giving you any yes or no about the weekend, is just plain rude. She's waiting to see if something BETTER comes along (like hanging out with friends at yet another bar/club) instead of seeing you.


It truly is time to move on. But that's my two cents.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 5:51pm
Thank you for your words. I am so sad right now. I just wish she would have ended it rather than doing this. Why does she continue to give me hope that eventually things will get better as she can do her own thing. We did talk for a couple of hours on Tuesday night but not last night and she didn't address the fact we didn't talk last night until I e-mailed her. It is so painful. I really just want it to go back to the way it was. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 5:59pm

I know you do. Unfortunately, she's not willing to go that route. Also, remember this bit.....


Actions speak louder than words.


Only her WORDS are giving you hope. So far, her ACTIONS are yelling that she wants out.


Sometimes, people, both men and women, disassociate with their SO until the SO chooses to leave because they see how bad the r'ship has become. My xh did it with every one of his XGF's, and myself. I never saw it until I was ready to walk. He pulled away so much, that he literally was drinking T/TH and coming home at 2am...even though he had work the next day. He spent his weekends as far away from me as possible....I eventually started going to my folks house all the time, cuz I didn't want to be with him.


Just remember this...although your heart tells you she's the one, or very close to it, you're not the one for her, and your head konws that she's pushing you away.


Although, if you choose to stay, which you may.....just remember. Watch her ACTIONS, not her words. Words are only good if she follows them up with actions. We all leave when we're ready to walk. If you're not ready....just keep watching her actions, instead of ONLY listening to her words.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 6:11pm

I am so confused because just last weekend she was asking me to visit her parents with her. I met them before so that was okay. She also called Monday and Tuesday. But she is just holding me off emotionally and not really communicting the past couple of days. Some friends say that she is just rebalancing her life after spending so much time together. Others say well she has clearly had a change of heart and only I can know how long I am willing to wait. The problem is that I think about it all the time. I really care for her.

I think you may be right as difficult as it is to accept. Even if she would continue it would be extremely frustrating for me this way. I just feel so terrible right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:21pm
Hi Cher! ITA with you here. IMHO - these are the signs of letting someone go/down easy. I truly hope the OP realizes this. Hope all is well with you and yours.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 11:32pm
I'm sorry, but I think people are jumping to conclusions way too fast without offering helpful advice. Just because someone starts to pull away doesn't mean she's hellbent on driving you away. You sound like you're smothering her. She's asking for a little space and you're reacting in the opposite way by being overtly needy and clingy. So she doesn't call you one night - your freaking out about it only validates any tinges of feeling she may have. Just because you're together doesn't mean every single day is yours. She's got to have her own life and that may be all she's asking for. Living together for a month after only being together for 2 is a bit much and she probably realizes that. Just give her the space she's asking for and see what happens. Sure, she may be done, but she also may simply need the space she's asking for to get to know herself without you in the same household again.

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