Growing in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Growing in a relationship
9
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:45am
Ladies,
As the RL grows, what are the most challenges you come across with men?
Example, I find myself being more proactive with a woman I am REALLY into the last 6 months. It feels great, but I also wonder how much more I can give emotionally and if women get to complacent with a strong, loving, and caring man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:07am

hi,

the challenges that i've come across in a long term relationship has been the ability to communicate. I always thought that if you've been w/someone for a really long time, communicating with one another would easy. Wrong! Communication is not only the key to a healthy happy relationship its also sets the tone of the relationship.

I've found this to be a detrimental factor in my situation b/c I was afraid of what the end result would be... I didn't trust myself/significant other enough to be able to work through our problems. I thought that if you kept the feelings of anger/disappointment inside that they would just blow over and go away. Tomorrow the sun will shine and what happend the night before would just be the past- WRONG! I never had a problem telling him when I was happy or that I loved him; the problem that I had was telling him when I was hurt/angry/felt like I was being neglected. Reasoning being, I never felt like he valued my feelings. I thought that if I expressed my feelings, he would just downplay them or tell me something that i did to him. In turn, those feelings turned into resentment and i started acting out in ways that showed my unhappiness I just wasn't able to verbally communicate that i was unhappy.

So what happend? We both ended up cheating on one another, even though we never stopped loving one another; we just didn't know how to communicate the things that we needed in order to keep our relationship thriving.

What I've learned...you have to talk about your feelings; you have to be able to listen and then you can venture down the of the road of recovery.

Hope this helps,
E.

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:02pm

Life in general is usually what I find to be the biggest challenge as a relationship grows. Yeah, in the beginning everyone's all hot and heavy to see each other and talk and communicate. Then next thing you know real life moves back in. There are bills to pay, jobs to tend to, kids needing something, chores to do, lack of money, overabundance of responsibilities. Takes a huge chunk out of romance.

I'm not sure what you mean by women getting complacent by a strong, loving, caring man. I think life itself makes us complacent. Both persons in a relationship have to work to keep it going. If you're doing all the giving emotionally then the relationship is unfairly balanced. There is a constant give and take, and there are times when the scale tips a little more one way than the other, but one person should never be doing all the giving and all the taking.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:24pm
Communicating is the key. As a man, I find myself really asking questions about the small things, such as her saying "I kept waking up last night." Normally I wouldn't pay attention but in this case, I feel there is some underlying issue there, therefore I'll ask her alot of questions and she finally opens up. Sometimes I feel I may be questioning her to death until she opens up It feels good to know she'll do that, but at the same time it puts me on the edge.
Also, sometimes I feel she wants me to dig and ask questions about her. Is this common ladies?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 1:31pm

I can't say it's common for anyone....cuz everyone is different. That being said, most times I have that problem with men. Not opening up. However, women also tend to play the game of, "will he ask, cuz asking proves he cares and loves me". Stupid game, but trust me, many women play it.


So, if you can, keep asking her questions. Although, I would also point out to her that DIGGING is getting old, and she needs to learn to open up some.


My dbf and I have had basically communication problems and personality problems. Basically, we're total opposites, and we forget that at times. So we'll have issues. But as soon as we remember we're different and we communicate differently, all is good again. I know this is something we'll ALWAYS have to work at, but it's okay. I have accepted that.


I think, as I tell my dbf all the time......what you need is BALANCE. One person can't be doing it ALL, and the other person not doing A THING. I know and my dbf knows I work harder at understanding him than he does me. However, He puts forth a great effort to work with my personality. So, although I am working harder, we are meeting somewhere in the middle. Like 60/40. And if I feel I'm working at a 70/30 pace, I talk to him about it. And we work it out.


So, in your case with your questions and gf.....it's like 90/10. SHE needs to learn to open up a bit easier, feel okay to talk to you about things, etc. So it's more 70/30, or 60/40. Because over time, that 90/10 will get old and you'll start to resent it all.


Lastly. If I was with a man like you, you'd probably have to ask me once or twice what is going on before I spill the beans. Maybe not even have to ask. So, it seems to me that your gf isn't complacent, or you're strong and caring. It seems as though she's closed off, and you're willing to rip her open (when she allows it). Like I said before. BALANCE is the key.





my pet!

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 1:50pm

I think it's hard for women to communicate with men because, let's face it, most men aren't great in that department. It's unusual to find a man who wants to talk on an emotional level. It's been so long since I've known such a man, I'm afraid I'd be a bit suspicious of his motives.

The older I've gotten (and the older the men in my life have gotten) the more removed they are from emotional communication. If I told my SO "I didn't sleep last night", he'd probably say "why?" And I'd say "I don't know". Even if I did know would it be of any benefit to tell him? Let's say I told him "I'm worried because I think my son might be doing drugs again" (which he isn't, but we'll use it as a example). SO would say something to the effect of "guess he didn't learn his lesson the first time". Not exactly the most comforting response I could think of, but most men are like that. Emotionally clumsy oxes. To them, emotion is mostly black and white. There are no gray areas in between.

Women become accustomed to these useless and heavy-handed responses from men, and so they tend to avoid communication that leads to them. This may be the reason you find yourself asking so many questions and digging for answers. Maybe she's not used to a man being truly interested in her emotional side. You may have to allow her to grow accustomed to that and let her come to the realization that you truly are interested in her feelings.

You're a rare breed, so it's not surprising that your GF may look at you like you have two heads. Hopefully she'll come to appreciate that quality in you. And if you could, please write a book for the rest of the men in the world who are missing that quality. They could use a few lessons. LOL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 3:52pm
dd,
For me it is a LEARNING process and will always be. I come from a complete opposite part of the spectrum in terms of RL's. I NEVER wanted to be in one while in HS, college, and fresh out of college. Casual dating was my thing with women. It was easier. But then taking it to that next level I was completely out of my element. Black and white outlook on life and my casual approach with RL's caused heartaches and heartbreaks for both parties. I never understood the "balance" that is required in RL's, whatever that may be for 2 people.
I'm in a career where I have to really understand and read people. Nonetheless, trying to understand that "gray" area you mention will ALWAYS be hard for me or men in general. I can only be myself and from my experiences in the past at least I can comprehend when my GF is in a bad situation. I think compatibility is important, because I want to know more about her, vice versa. The biggest challenge and something I am catching onto is that its ok to love someone more, be patient, and that RL's aren't always balanced. The key as everyone on this thread mentions is communication. If there is one thing I have stressed with my SO, it's to at least communicate somehow someway. It just so happens that I am in a new environment with the communication thing and it's a definite learning process.
Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:10am

It's a learning process for everyone. No one has "relationship" down to a science. Anything that involves human beings in an emotional situation can never be completely understood.

And for all our civilization, we humans aren't all that far from our primitive ancestors. As human development goes, language is still a relatively new area for us. Certainly, sometimes we act as though it was just discovered yesterday. LOL

Throughout the course of human history, men didn't have to express their needs to women. And men had more to think about than to concern themselves with a woman's emotions. There were mastodons to slay and countries to conquer. Such activities cannot be brought to a screeching halt because a woman is crying into her hankie.

And so men, trained by centuries of brutal times and back breaking labor, have become creatures that are uncomfortable with "feelings". Feelings don't sail the ship, plant the crops, or win the war. Men are driven by testosterone, in itself a chemical nearly devoid of anything that tickles the brain with "feelings". Women, on the other hand, are walking estrogen bottles; estrogen being the chemical that ensures the nurturing and caring required for childrearing. The sexes ARE different whether we want to believe that or not.

So, now we women take the great (to the nth power) grandson of Ghengis Khan and, in our current culture, want him to be all warm and fuzzy. We might also take a pig and pitch it off the roof and see how far it flies. Still, I believe men are doing an extraordinary job becoming more attuned to feelings (their own or someone else's). Men are more involved in child-rearing than ever before, which demonstrates some forward movement in understanding nurturing. But most men are still uncomfortable with the words "I feel" spoken from a woman. To a man "I feel" still signals issues that can't be resolved with hands-on work or battle. "I feel" is a foreign concept to men who see a game of basketball or round of golf as a way of expressing pent up emotion.

So, see, you're not as confused as you thought you were. You're just a man, and not so different from your present brothers or those centuries ago. But the good thing is you're recognizing a need for emotional communication and you're trying. You're actually overcoming generations of "What? Me care about feelings?" training and realizing the importance of understanding others. Ghengis Khan might have a hard time getting a date these days, but I think now more men understand that his tactics are a bit outdated and sensitivity will win more hearts than being a leader of Mongol hordes. LOL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 6:32am
Never thought of the Genghis Khan theory! LOL.....Maybe Freudian stuff, which is funny in itself. Interesting concept DD.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:04pm

Yes...communicating is the key!!

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?