communication issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
communication issues
8
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:09pm

Hey everyone!

I have been dating a guy for about 4 months who does not communicate very well...... Here is a perfect example. He said months ago that he wanted to take a vacation to south america he didn't have a date, just said he wanted to go.... after that he never brought it up again until the other night when we were having dinner with a friend and he said he was going within the next couple weeks.... I was like um hello? thanks for letting me know what is going on.
the next night i was still annoyed, and i discussed it with him.....he got defensive and said that he told me awhile ago.... gah!!!! he then asked me if i was against him going....i said no....i thought it was awesome that he was going but it hurt my feelings.
I also notice that when i find new things about him, such as what he was like when he was growing up etc it is usally through his family..... I really don't know how to address this issue without making it seem like i am being overbearing.....
maybe i should take a step back from the relationship? I liken poor communication to not feeling committed enough to be open to that other person.
thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:35pm
That hits home. Is he in his 20's? I just know from experience I used to do that. From my upbringing we never really communicated well as a family. You mentioned the South America trip, I did something similar with an ex when I was about 24-25. I just made plans to go with friends and I knew my GF at the time couldn't go. So, I just didn't say anything about it. I also thought I was being considerate because she couldn't go and for me to keep talking about it would piss her off. Well, it REALLY pissed her off not talking about it and showing concern. On the flip side, I felt she should have stepped up and shared her concern and anger, but she was 21 at the time. We both had communication problems, hence the reason we are not together today.
If you really like him, share the importance of communication with him. So sitting down and emphasizing your RL status with him will help it grow or maybe in the other direction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:53pm
God male!
total deja vu! the only difference is that he is 32. I wonder if that is the reason that he didn't bring it up..... :P he does a lot of really sweet things that show me he cares...he takes my dog out for walks( he actually offers too!! :))he planned a really romantic getaway that is coming up soon.... I just wish he would be more verbal....sometimes i feel like i don't really know him....does that sound weird?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 1:16pm
That's why you like him. He's intriguing. People are unique. Damn, I find myself doing the same "sweet stuff" with my GF, but I seem to take the bull by the horns with communication. Very unique for me cause I'm not a real big communicator. Accept things and appreciate it for what it is. We all wish there was gold at the end of a rainbow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 1:18pm
Do you have any tips on how I can prod him gently to open up?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 4:09pm

Something that has helped me with my GF and even me. Its not what you say but how you say it.
I find we're more receptive to:
"Help me understand you" and then just explain the situation.
Also, "if you were in my shoes how would you handle this situation." She uses this on me and even if I don't have an answer it gets me to think.
Indirect conversation about a situation. I brought up a situation about a friend who had an ex-bf calling her and asked my GF how she would handle this. While she was sharing her view I just listened. My whole thing was my GF was getting calls at one time from her ex and I just wanted to know her perspective in general. It eventually opened the door to our situation, which had us both talking. We conversed, argued, but most importantly worked toward a solution.

In general, open converation is important and both parties have to be willing to understand eachother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:40pm

Not sure if this is the case here, but perhaps the communication problem has to do with how you do or don't understand each other. You said that he mentioned wanting to vacation in South America-- he didn't have a date, he just wanted to go. I think to him, that was a pretty clear statement. He just wanted to go. In other words, I think it didnt' matter to him whether he had a date or not. But you understood the comment about not having a date for the trip as him saying he WANTED a date for the trip-- as if there was an implication he was making. But perhaps he wasn't. I think it's difficult for a female (sorry I'm generalizing here, but I can't help it) to think that if she is in a relationship with someone, that the male might still consider taking a vacation without her, kwim? So in your mind, it was perfectly natural to expect to go together, whereas in his mind, this might have been a desire of his from before you even got together.


See, in the female mind, it's expected that the guy will discuss his vacation plans before the fact, and hopefully, include the person he is dating. For a guy, if he was thinking about the trip prior to beginning a relationship with someone, it might never occur to him to start including that person in the plans.. I don't know if that makes sense at all in your case.


Well, best wishes to you!


~V

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:16am
thanks for your opinion seven,
but no, I was not expecting him to ask me to go, and on top of that fact, i lost my passport so even if i did really want to go i still couldn't.
The vacation was just an example of how he communicates.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 10:05am

My two cents.


You're BOTH BAD communicators.......to each other.


As the "woman", you could've easily cleared up ALL misconceptions by asking questions about his plans for SA. You could've asked him if he had a date in mind. If he said no, YOU could've easily said, "can you keep me updated, I'd love to hear about your plans for the trip, sounds exciting".


Let me ask you this. Why didn't you ask him anything? Question him about his trip? If you didn't hear about it in awhile, why not bring it up?


It takes TWO people to have a CONVERSATION and COMMUNICATE.......YOU need to learn how to communicate WITH HIM. and he needs to learn how to communicate with you.


I have learned that it's not my bf that doesn't know how to communicate, it's that I EXPECT things from him, whereas for him, he does not do. Case in point. He was going on a business trip. I forgot to ask him for his itinerary. He never offered to give me one. After realizing he never offered, I got upset. But my therapist said to me, "why didn't YOU ask for one?" and I simply said, "cause I thought he'd give it to me". I talked to BF later, turns out he's NEVER been on a biz trip before, never TRAVELED ALONE before, so it was all new to him and he totally did not even think about it.


Is that bad communications on his part? No. It's bad of me to EXPECT him to know to give me one.....and it was bad of me to be angry that he didn't, and it EASILY could've been solved by me asking one question, "can i get an itinerary of your trip".


All that South Africa stuff could've been easily avoided by you simply asking, "so what's goign on with SA, I haven't heard anything about it. Do you think you'll be able to go?" EASY!


Good luck. And remember. Dont' ASSUME people will act like you, THEY WON'T!!!! (especially men)






my pet!