Confused, Need advice!!!
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Confused, Need advice!!!
| Tue, 03-29-2005 - 3:15pm |
Sorry this is so long. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Things are ok, not great. We have so much in common and everything, i'm just wondering if we're in a comfort zone. I feel like we don't have any romance or passion or spark, we're more like friends than a couple. Most of the time i don't want to have sex with him. I feel like we're on a plateau. There are other things involved as well, i don't feel appreciated at home, he's always doing something with his friends, we argue about stupid things, and so on. I do love him very much, but i'm not sure if i'm in love with him. And for the past few weeks, i have been developing feelings for one of our good friends. I'm very attracted to him and i find myself thinking about what it would be like to be with him. Through a mutual friend i found out that he also has feelings for me. When we are out we constantly make intense eye contact. There's something there, but i don't know what. Is it lust or infatuation or the real thing? Things escalated this weekend when we were alone together we were able to talk and we slept together. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave my boyfriend if this is just a phase i'm going thru. I know that nothing else can happen between my and his friend. I feel so guilty. I did have a long talk with my boyfriend and told him all the things i was feeling about things not being right between us and i also told him that i had these feelings for his friend. That means they won't be hanging out anymore. He's upset, but we talked and we want to try it one more time. If things don't improve or we fall back into the rut then i'll know right? I just hope that his friend doesn't tell him about that one night. Then it's for sure over, if we're meant to be or not. What if i still continue to have feelings for his friend? How can you tell? Time? I don't know.

It sounds to me like it's time for a change. You both have gotten to comfy in the r'ship, and forgot how to take care of it. It's time to take care of the r'ship. As they say, you have to constantly upkeep the r'sihp....like hair. If you don't take care of it, cut it, it'll get all out of hand and crazy. Or limp, flat, and boring.
Point is. Time to talk. Time to say, "I'm not feeling appreciated, it's time for us to revamp the r'ship". NOT the point of total change, but to the point of feeling happy about it again.
BTW, I'm sure your sex drive has somethign to do with the fighting and not feeling appreciated versus loss of passion for your bf. And the other guy, was just someone who PAID ATTENTION TO YOU.....in a way your bf hasn't in a while. So, it's not love. It's not lust. It's a man giving you a huge ego boost, and making you feel special.
Hugs. I can't think of anything else. I'm sure others will though. I think there's hope. My two cents. Don't EVER tell him about the affair. Carry it to your grave....even if you two break up. There's no point in hurting him more....especially if you want to stay with him. And you too, need to back away from the friend. Preferbly, not see him again until your r'ship is stable and happy for more than 6 months. Hugs.
Welcome to the board, I think this is just infatuation. Many times when our real life is not going so good we dream up and fantasize about what if's and then comes that infatuation because it is how you think things should be. But, since you see how easy it is to fall prey to it you want to talk to your boyfriend first. Communication is very important when you began to feel you both had hit the height of the relationship you should have talked to him and see why the constant arguing and the less time spent together. let him know that you have concerns in a rational manner without accusing. Then you both can move from there.
I will say I am not much on keeping this from the guy because you have cheated and what if it was the other way around, wouldn't you want to know? But, that is your decision not to tell and plus it could end your relationship.
I would begin talking more to bf and trying to find ways you both can work on the problems to improve things with you. Just because you hit a rut doesn't't mean it is not meant to be. This has been 3 yrs and very rarely does the honeymoon faze last that long. Let us know how it goes.
If the friend decides to tell him down the road, you will have to deal with it then. I mean, your bf could leave, stay, who knows. But, for yourself, you need to make the decision NOW. If you tell him, are you telling him to ease your conscious, or because you want to be truthful, even if it means losing him?
If you don't tell him now, are you doing it to save what you have and because you regret it and nothing will ever happen again, you feel it's best to hide it?
Marie asked, "wouldn't you want to konw". In MY LIFE, NO! I would not want to know. If my guy told me he was having feelings for someone else, but wanted the r'ship to work, I"d stay and work things out. If he told me he slept with said person, I'd walk. And if our r'ship worked and was fine w/o me ever knowing, fine. I am NOT one to believe in, "always tell the truth". sometimes, somethings are better left unsaid.
However, just realize that it could bite you in the butt if someone does tell him. It's just what you'll have to accept and deal with. You are making your bed, you will have to lie in it, be it good, or not.