Should we move in together??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2005
Should we move in together??
3
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 3:43pm
It has only been 3 months, if that. I need a place to live really quick and he said he would love for me to move in. I have heard so many horror stories about great couples shattering caz they move in together too soon. I really love this guy, we sleep at each others house, we are never apart. Honestly. What should I do?? I wont get mad if I just get a roommate but it will also save me money. I understand that I just need to keep my identity (ie, have my own things, do my own things.) And the biggest thing is, I asked him to talk to his family about it, just so there wasnt a big shock if it happend. Was that a good idea!! Help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 6:53pm

ah, one of my favorite topics here on iVillage and one that I always chime in on ... because, I want to spread this gospel as far and wide as possible, whenever possible:

DON'T MOVE IN WITH A MAN YOU ARE NOT ENGAGED TO OR HAVE A LONG-TERM, AND I MEAN LONG-TERM COMMITTMENT WITH! (meaning that, you would stay together regardless of whether or not you ever got married).

Saving money is not the right reason to move in together. It's a convenient reason, but not the right reason.

Nor is "but we spend so much time together anyway" and "I'm always at his house anyway" ... it changes things. Trust me, it will change things.

And why does it change things. Very simple. Because, when you are always together anyway or as you said "never apart" ... it's because you WANT to be. When you move in together, it's no longer b/c you want to be ... it's because you HAVE to be. You're now sharing one roof, bills, groceries, chores and the like. When you WANT to be there, you can still go off to your separate places, if you want or need to. Moving in together removes this option and puts you in guys in a position of "playing house" without the committment.

Granted, sometimes it works out. But, more often than not, it doesn't.

So, to answer your question ... don't do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 7:27pm

Also, if you choose to move in...........please talk about everything. I mean everything. Talk about sex, kids, what if you get preggo, bills, money, how things are to be dealt with, money wise. fighting wise. sex wise. friends wise. etc.


And then talk some more about everything.


Lastly, if you move in, one of the most important things to talk about is what you EACH EXPECT from the moving in?


ie. I'm being gender biased. Many women move in thinking, "oh, he'll want to marry me". Most men move in thinking, "oh, this is convinant". then the woman gets all upset saying, "why won't he marry me? I've lived with him for over a year/two years/xyz years" and he's like, "I never said that's what I wanted" and then she's all confused.


Point being. Talk about the future, map it out. plan it out. Tell each other that you'll re-evaluate the r'ship in a year (assuming you don't know what you both want). And talk about it again.


I see so many women on these boards whining about how they haven't gotten a wedding ring.....while they ASSUMED BIG TIME, that they would get one cuz they are living with the man. when in truth, the man had really no intention of marrying the woman, or didn't after a year or so with living with her. It's sad. It's pathetic. It CAN BE AVOIDED.


hugs. the choice will be yours. At 3 months of dating. My answer would be a big fat NO! Give your r'ship another 6 months.


One last suggestion...if you want to move in with him because you two are oh sooo in love. and all that jazz....then you wno't be scared to read the book, The Hard Questions, and answer the questions PRIOR to moving in with your guy. Something to think about. If you both feel the qustions aren't important or don't relate, you're both being immature and rushing thigns due to lust.


Link to The Hard Questions: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1585420042/qid=1112146154/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/103-3668464-5075045


I'm only being harsh because although you'll still do what you want, heartache and frustration can be prevented by being smart and rational.





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 7:47am

Hello and welcome...and good luck on whatever decision you make.


But, my opinion is...that it's too soon!

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?