Can an Ex become "just a friend"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Can an Ex become "just a friend"?
6
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 5:44am

My ex and I broke up 2 months ago after having spent a year together. Things didn't work out between us obviously: In a nut shell, my feelings for him grew much more than his towards me. Anyhow, I'm working through it and am starting to believe that I could be friends with him. After having experienced so much with him and having spent so many hours laughing and having fun together, I feel like losing all contact with him would be like losing a best friend. The problem is, he hurt me very badly when breaking it off with me abruptly.. I hadn't been that heart broken in God knows how long. In the meantime I've been getting to know another man who is an absolute sweetheart, from what I know of him thus far. I'd like to get to know him better, but there is the problem of my ex. This new guy is paranoid that I run back to him and sees him as a threat, which is completely understandable given the circumstance (that I still have feelings for my ex). I don't want to run back to this ex for a 'friend with benefits' relationship because I know with him nothing would come out of it.. but would love to maintain a friendship.

Have any of you been in this situation? Would you find it better to drop the ex completely if he creates complications with further relationships just by still being in the picture? He's all about a 'friends with benefits' thing.. and I'm not anymore... is this a flat out bad sign to keep him around? Can a friendship be created with an ex if you two had never started out as friends in the begining?

I don't want him to ruin potentially great relationships I may have in the future, but at the same time I don't want him to vanish completely out of my life... Does anyone have any suggestions or experiences like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 7:37am

Hi and welcome, newusedtires!!

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 7:43am
Hi and welcome to the board... I agree with Steff. Since you know he only want FWB and it is causing problems with current guy it is not time to think of being friends. Maybe after a while. I have rarely been friends with someone I was heartbroken over and then resulted in a FWB because I know I did the FWB because I still cared for them. So if you are no longer interested and know he only wants one thing then leave him alone because he isn't interested in a friendship just to get his.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:06am

Hello and Welcome!

Honey you need to let go. I know it hurts like hell right now because the breakup is still fresh but you can't try to have a friendship because that makes the sting so much worse. I was devestated when my X broke up with me in July. I felt my world crash down on me and I was really hurt cause I know I would never had that friendship that I had with him while we were together, And that hurt the worst. But with time I got over it. Do I still think about him occasionally , yeah I do but it's more of a curious thought about I wonder how he is doing.

Also alot of females think that they need closer when they get dumped, so they keep trying to contact the X and they falsely thinks that would give them the closer they need. Wrong, the best way to get closer is through yourself, by your self.

Also are you sure you are ready to start possibly talking to this other man? Because if you are not you need to let him know. Because he's going to get hurt. I met a wonderful man after another one of my X's broke it off with me and I was lonley and devestated and This man Anthony was great and perfect but since I wasn't completely over my X I took him on an emotional rollercoaster because I was still confused and I was still hoping that my X would call me and admit he made a mistake and that he wants me back and we would live a happy life together. Well I was wrong. He never did call, and I hurt this guy Anthony so bad and now that I think back on it I get upset because he would have been a wonderful partner to be with.

So I think you shouldn't even consider being friends with the X it's a bad, bad idea and you are going to only get hurt alot worst.

Good Luck!

-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:34am

Thanks so much for your insight. I guess I've kinda known that it would be dangerous for me to continue talking to him.. I mean, I haven't seen him or met up with him in the past 2 months (there is quite a distance between us), but I can't imagine meeting up right now at this stage in my life.. I don't want those feelings of hurt creeping up on me. I was hoping maybe that someone had a positive experience throughout all of it.

As for this new guy.. he's absolutely great and a lot of people were skeptical about if he was a rebound or not and told me to be honest to him. I am honest to him and warned him in the begining that I don't know what this is or where it will lead... He is also aware of what happened with me and this guy.. which is why he's on edge and worried if I get a text message from him... The more time I spend with him, the more I can look at him and honestly say that I'm genuinly interested in getting to know him.. and not just looking at him as 'someone to take up my time and distance me emotionally from my ex'.

What are common signs of rebounding?? I know this probably sounds so stupid, but I've been in two long term relationships before all this happened, so I have no idea... is it just when you're looking at someone as some 'play thing' and can't picture anything beyond that?

Thanks again for the advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:58am

Hi

I'm not really sure on all the signs of rebounding. But ask yourself this.

Ok I like this new man in my life, he has alot of good potential. You enjoy spending time with him you two are very compatible.

Now if you are out with the "new" man and your x "man" calls you, text you, would you be tempted to answer the phone? Would you answer your phone and sneak away from the new man to talk to your ex? If your x texted you would you sneak and text him back? or if he wanted to meet up with you would you make an excuse and try to cut the date short and meet up with him?

Those are pretty good questions to ask yourself. And if you answered yes or i don't know to any of those then this guy might turn out to be a rebound .

See a rebound relationship can be very blinded. They might think that this is a great relationship and that things are moving great and that they develop feelings for you, blah, blah but if or once something about that x pops up and they still deep down have feelings for them then most of the time they go back to that ex.

I'm not to sure about the rebound thing cause I used that one guy Anthony as a rebound and I didn't know he was a rebound at the time. And In my last relationship I was the rebound.

Hoped this helped a little bit.

-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 9:53am

Just my 2 cents from experience...

You need to let your ex know that you would like to become friends again someday. The key here is it will happen when and if YOU are ready for it. He broke things off with you, so you get to take your time to heal recover and decide if you want him as a friend. Until you are ready, he should not call, not text message - nothing. It will be really hard at first, but you need more time to separate from the old relationship and the hurt that went along with it.

The new boy. Rebounds can be really hard to call. In a rebound I was in, I was attracted to him because he was everything my ex was NOT. Good to realize that, but I didn't fall for the guy for who he WAS. My suggestion is to explore this new relationship, but be honest with yourself and with him and every step of the way. You'll find out in time if he is a rebound or not.

Best wishes to you.