Did I say something wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Did I say something wrong?
7
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:04am

Dear Board

Quick background check. Ive been having a no strings attached relationship with a close friend of mine who i have known for 10yrs. Anyway we have been seeing each other for over 18mnths, a few time i mentioned commitment but he told me that he didnt want that. I accepted the situation and still continued sleeping with him hoping that it would develop into a relationship but also to develop a deeper friendship. The last three weeks he has been on my case, texting me, ringing to see me etc.

Now yesterday he came to my house to see me and one thing led to another. After he left i thought why not send him a seductive text message as i hadnt spent much time with him so i commented on what we had just done. Anyway without sounding dirty or anything he used a term that i hadnt heard before and i assummed that it meant having sex, so when i asked him if he was sleeping with other women, he started coming out with horrible things like IF HE WAS THEN WHATS THE PROBLEM COS IM SLEEPING WITH OTHER MEN. So i told him that the only person im with at the moment is him then he said the weirdest thing which was WHATEVER, U KNOW THAT I DONT WANT YOUR LUV OR RELATIONSHIP SO DO WHAT YOU LIKE, so obviously i bit back and said i didnt mention any of that stuff and i was just saying that im not gonna have him telling me who i am or not sleeping with. then he said forgot it and when i said what he said us sleeping together. SO i said if he didnt wanna sleep with me anymore then to tell me and he didnt reply.

I dont understand how we went from making love to arguing in less than 10minutes. i didnt think i said anything out of line, hes trying to tell me that im sleeping with other men and cos i back myself and tell him the truth then all of a sudden hes chucking relationship/love in my face. SOrry for the long post but could anyone give me any input/advice on what i could do. thanks

lucy..xx

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:21am

I think this is what happens in many FWB relationships. There are lots and lots of mixed messages. Our bodies tell us sex is physical but our hearts and minds tell us there's supposed to something attached to it.

It sounds like your friend got a mixed message from you. It sounds like he's confused as to what your relationship really is. He assumes that sex with you is a freebie, no strings attached, and when you innocently asked (or he took it the wrong way) if he was sleeping around he became confused. It sounds as though the two of you need to sit down and map out exactly what expectations you have for each other and where your relationship is going. Does he want something exclusive or is he still enjoying the idea of a booty call every now and then with no commitment?

You are the one who accepted the situation for what it is and has been. You set the boundaries. Unless he agrees to changes in the game plan, you can't expect him assume a committed relationship exists between you two.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:39am

See I have been in a FWB relatonships before , but I can have sex with someone and not get attached emotionally. But if I do met someone and I feel that I could get emotions for them then I never do a FWB. She alot of woman get involed in the FWB because they think well if I can't have a relationship with him then I will sleep with him when he wants it and then he will eventually grow feelings for me. Wrong.

Men can sleep with 20 women and not have feelings for any of them. And when you start out a relationship with FWB and doesn't progress into anything else. If a man truly wanted to be with you then he would of commited his self to you from the beginning.

He's getting his cake and eating it to, and in the end your going to be the one that is hurt while he's out getting his and having fun.I'm not trying to be mean but I am being blunt because sometimes people need to hear the actual facts. The best thing for you to do is stop having sex with him. Because you have grown feelings for him and it's not fare to you. So you need to tell him eaither we are going to be together as a couple or were completely done.

If he tries to beat around the bush or change the subject etc. Then you know for a fact that he's not interested in being with you he's only interested in sleeping with you and those are two completely diffrent ways.

I wish you the best of luck....

-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 9:20am
Before I respond I want to ask, what do you think you both have been doing for the past 18 mos? Why are you exactly having sex with him? Are you dating to find someone who will be long term?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 9:44am

Excellent post, Michelle. I think each of us has to know ourselves in order to keep from getting hurt. I could never do the FWB thing because I want attachment with sex. Some people don't require that. It's important to know yourself, and it's important to never believe sex will CREATE a relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 10:28am

Lucy,


Big hugs for your situation.....however.....after reading this one part


" I accepted the situation and still continued sleeping with him hoping that it would develop into a relationship but also to develop a deeper friendship"


I KNOW you are in the wrong place. What he said, may have hurt but it was the truth. the FACT that you have asked him for a commitment before, and then asked if he's sleeping with anyone else....actually I can see that it freaked him out. He probably was thinking YOU wanted him to STOP sleeping with other women. And another reason for his anger, could've been that he IS sleeping with other women, but doesn't want to tell you, cuz you're also a "freebie" for sex. And isn't willing to stop that yet.


My thoughts. He's in a purely sex only r'ship with you. He has no feelings, he was calling you and bugging you cuz he was hard up and horny for sex. Nothing else. It wasn't cuz he missed you so much, missed your voice, your laughter. It's cuz he missed your body.


You agreed to the situation, thiniking you could change his mind with your body. Unfortunately, as michelle stated, that's normal, and unfortunately, that is the sole reason MOST women can't do FWB's and be truly okay with it. She is one of the few people I have run into on this board that can have one, I can too. Most others, can't. you included.


My two cents. Leave the FWB behind, find someone who HAS REAL potential for a committed r'ship.


He got angry because he probably felt attacked, or pushed into a corner, or he thoguht you wanted to talk commitment again, or maybe even guilt that he IS sleeping with other women. Point is. He's right. He doesn't love you, it's not about love or a r'ship. It's 100% about sex. If that's too hard for you to understand, you truly need to run away from him. He doesn't want to stop having sex with you, cuz you're convienant for him. But, I bet if you keep pushing the commitment part, or talking about r'ship type thigns (like who's he's with or was with), he'll leave.


But first, YOU need to let him go. Realize that NOTHING will EVER come of this. He has no desire to be with you in a bf way. NONE. It hurts like hell to hear that, to belive it, but it's better to hurt now, than to hurt later..........move on. It's been 18 months. If he truly wanted you, he would've asked for more. But he hasn't.






my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 2:37pm

Dear All

thank you for your advice and your right he is getting his cake and eating it. AFter last night i didnt expect to get that reaction from him but i did and i realised that even if he did want a relationship now i probably wouldnt as i saw a side to him that i didnt like. It will be hard but i guess id rather be alone and happy than with him and upset not knowing whether im coming or going.

Once again thanks

Lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 2:54pm
Hugs...it is hard, but it's for the best for your life and happiness. Be strong.






my pet!