Need Advice!!!!!
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| Wed, 03-30-2005 - 1:24pm |
I'll start off by saying that I am 21 years old, and my boyfriend of almost 3 years is 25 years old.
I used to live 10 mintues from my boyfriend, but my family moved about 10 hours away back in December. I'm taking the semester off from college and am living at my parents house for the time being.
I really am unhappy when I'm not with my boyfriend. For the last 3 years we have been inseperable...even when I was at college (which was 4 hours away from him). I would voluntarily drive home almost every weekend from college just to spend a couple of days with him.
For the last 5 or so days, we have kind of been arguing on and off. Not about big things, just about small things. For example, he called me one morning and was being sarcastic with me and I asked him why he was being so rude. He got really mad that I said that, and basically blew me off for the rest of the weekend.
I called my boyfriend the other day and told him that I was seriously considering moving back near him just for the summer so we could be together more. He said that was a good idea, and he wants his girlfriend back with him. After talking to him about it for about an hour, he started getting really agitated with me and started yelling at me. I still have NO idea why he got so mad, I thought we were both happy about what we were talking about.
Yesterday, he told me that he doesn't want to be bothered with my bull**** about school and where I'm going to live over the summer. I told him that I was so confused as to why he was happy about it initally, then decided to get mad about it. I asked him again if he wanted me to come back, and all he could say was "do what you want, I don't care."
He just found out yesterday that his grandmother is basically dying. I knew he was really upset, so I had Chinese food sent to his house and I fed-exed him a really sweet card. Later that day, I asked him if it was still okay that I moved back there and he flipped out on me again.
He told me he couldn't believe that I'd ask him such a question when his grandmother was dying. I told him I meant nothing bad about what I asked, I just asked because if I am moving there I have to make decisions fast. He went as far as to say that he never wants to see me again, he fell out of love with me, and he wants me out of his life.
After being totally upset and devestated, last night he called me up and told me that he still loves me and wants to be with me...only if I'm not such a b****. He said that I have to make it up to him and if I don't, "he won't be afraid to tell me to take a walk."
I have no idea what I did that was so wrong, but I am SO confused. Any advice ?

I don't know what to say. LDR's aren't easy. And the fact that you two are taking it out on each other is worse. I know and I'm sure you know that he's acting this way mostly due to his grandmother's health. Most men tend to take it out on everyone else.
Also, I have to agree with him on one thing. You need to stop being so bitchy about things, and so moody, which you are, because you're away from him.
Being away from him, is hard, yes, I know. But it's not like you'll die.
My two cents, do what YOu feel is the best for YOUR life, w/o taking him into consideration. Why? Because. Too many times, you do something for someone, and then resent them later, if it ends.
HOnestly, if you move down there, and if he ends things, how will you feel about living there? Will you go back home to your folks? What if your r'ship gets more rocky cuz of his grandmother and stress? How will YOU handle it if being "near" him, is jsut as bad as being away from him?
Just something to think about.
At your age, I would've moved already, screw what he says, and then figure it out from there. But then again, I did a lot of really stupid things for the men I loved....and I regret a lot of it.
Whoa. My response to him would be "what twisted your weinie in a knot?" Yeah, grandma's dying, but even so most people try to maintain some level of courtesy with their loved ones even under such circumstances.
How controlling a person do you think he is? I ask this because his ultimatum to you sounds very controlling. First of all, it seems that you've been nothing but sweet and thoughtful to him. Secondly, I can't see where you've done anything to upset him so badly. For him to attack you and then present you with an ultimatum makes no sense. It almost makes me think that he's toying with the idea of letting go of the relationship. He's trying to make you angry or create blame so that he can point a breakup on you.
You need some honest answers from him, sweetie, because he's acting irrational. Pin him to the wall and tell him that if you don't get some explanations for his behavior you ARE going to take a walk.
Well, I have no idea, only from what you posted though.........
1. you're moody cuz you don't get to see him.
2. You said he was being sarcastic and instead of it being funny to you, you took it personally (is this normal? for me, and my bf, it would be abnormal).
3. He is overreacting and not being fair, however, I'm wondering how "sensitive" you're being right now. I don't mean, in SUPPORTING him, but in REACTING to him. It seems that you're OVERreacting to everything because you're sad, you miss him, and you're HATING the fact that you don't get too see him all the time, and I know if it iwas me, I'd be taking it out on the one I miss. Why? Just cuz I'd be supersensitive to evertyhing, and taking everything out of context.
Is that you? Are you overreacting to a lot of things? Are you moody? Are you all down and stuff when you talk to him? Is your calls all about how much you miss him and how unhappy you are w/o him? How much you NEED him? etc.
(just feeling it out as to why he think you're being bitchy)
Yeah, I completely understand what you're saying.
When we talk I'm not down in the dumps and upset, I always try to be optimistic with him. He is always the one to complain to me and say, "all my friends have their girlfriends here, and I sit home by myself on Friday and Saturday nights without my girlfriend."
I just feel like I've been trying really hard to make this relationship work, and for him to say "I dont care" gets me so upset. I have tried so many times to say to him, explain to me why you are acting like this...but all I get is screaming and yelling and mean things said to me.
Okay, if what you're saying is true, and you're not playing down your side of it at all, he is TOTALLY overreacting.
I'm wondering if he's acting like this because of the stress in his life or if because he wants to end things, but is acting like this so you'll end it.
My xh said "I have never broken up with my gf's" after going thru a divorce, I see why. He's passive agressive and basically *I* ended up ending things with him......mostly cuz of his poor attitude and rude behavior towards me. When in reality, he's the one that wanted it over.
Big hugs. I have no idea what to say. If he's not willing to talk, what can you do? Personally, with that thought, I wouldn't move there. Not yet. Maybe he needs some space.
OMG-- that makes so much sense!!!!! This probably sounds really weird, but....lol, I have to thank you. You made a distinction really clear to me-- what you said about being sensitive in regards not to how you're supporting someone but in how you are reacting to someone. It was completely eye-opening.
That gave me insight into probably about 1/2 the arguments I have w/BF!!! And it seems like it's something that we wind up doing to each other, so maybe I'll find the right moment when I can share this thought with him, too.
Thanks again!
Best wishes,
~Victoria
Victoria,
I'm glad I could open your eyes.....lol. I mean, I used to do the same thing to my LDR xbf/xh. I would be sad cuz I missed him and so I'd be so touchy about things. I was moody all the time cuz I missed him, was sad, wanted to be with him very badly,etc, and yet, there I was, picking stupid fights. I was sooo sensitive to everything and anything he said or did. It was quite sad.
With my current guy, the same thing happens if I'm stressed, sad, upset, etc. I am WAY overly sensitive to him, and it's lame cuz I KNOW I shoudln't be, but I am. So, I"ve learned to curb it. BTW, he's the same way when he's upset/stressed too. We have learned to just let it roll off our backs, and also, to try to curb it........be it by not talking as much to each other, until the mood passes, or by biting our tongues'.
Good luck.